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Don’t just survive Black Friday, conquer it with this morally ambiguous gear guide

You know the real reason Black Friday is so beloved by Americans? The violence. It gives the average Joe a chance behave like an NFL linebacker in a fumble scrum, while simultaneously taking care of holiday shopping and feeding our jones for a bargain. Don’t avoid it; prepare for it. Head to your favorite retailer geared up with the following weapons … er … protections, and you won’t just survive Black Friday: You will win Black Friday.

SWAT-style battering ram ($200)

Zak Tool Compact Door RAM

Why the hell would they call them “doorbuster” sales if they didn’t actually want you to break down the physical barriers that keep you from getting inside the store? It’s not marketing – it’s an invitation, and it’s one that we highly recommend you act on before anyone else does. Based on our years of firsthand experience, we can guarantee that store clerks are more than willing to step aside when you sprint toward the door with a 65-pound battering ram in your arms and a crazy look in your eye.

Point Blank Body Armor C-Series ($555)

Point blank body armor

Black Friday is bad, but it’s not like you need a bullet-proof vest – that would be ridiculous! No, what you need is body armor designed for the close-quarters chaos of a prison riot, which is why we recommend Point Blank’s body armor designed for corrections officers. No one would be dumb enough to brandish a gun at Best Buy, but a shiv to the back? Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst …

FORTIS exoskeleton (Price TBA)

FORTIS exoskeleton

In case you haven’t noticed, TV’s have gotten absolutely freaking massive in the past year, and if you’re going to have any hope of lugging that 4K 84-inch behemoth to the checkstand, you’ll need some mechanical assistance. This badboy was designed by Lockheed Martin to transfer loads through the exoskeleton to the ground in standing or kneeling positions, and allows operators to wield heavy objects as if they were weightless. This way, while others struggle in vain to move a cart through the throngs of crazed shoppers, you can just sprint straight to the TV section and toss that giant new OLED over your shoulder like it’s nothing.

Electric cattle prod ($72)

Miller SS 36 Prod

It’s you against a herd of wild animals on Black Friday, so equip yourself with something designed for controlling herds of wild animals. Electric cattle prods are cheap, effective, and have a longer reach than your average tazer, so if you bring one along, you’ll be able to keep the frenzied masses at a safe distance as you make your way out the door with your hard-won bounty. If somebody gets too close, that’s when you bust out the bear mace. You do plan on bringing a couple cans of bear mace, right? We feel like that should go without saying here.

.40 Caliber Blow Gun ($12)

40 Caliber Blow Gun

Few things match the anxious frustration of seeing the perfect Black Friday deal fly off the shelf before you can navigate the torrent of humanity between you and it. Don’t let that mom walk off with the last Wii U while you’re still 30 yards out; with this blow gun from Cabela’s, you can drop her in her tracks and buy just enough time close the gap. Once you’re face to face, it’s a fair fight — unless you’ve poisoned your darts with something, which we would never recommend.

Stink Bombs ($12)

stink-bombs

Whereas the blowgun is good for neutralizing an individual, the stink bomb should be your go-to weapon for crowd control. It uses a pair of simple chemicals that, when mixed, create a horrendously foul odor that’s guaranteed to clear out a large area. This way, when you spot a herd of crazed holiday dealseekers making their way toward the iPad Mini display you’ve had your eye on, you can just hurl a vial toward it and force everyone to vacate the area. While everyone else is busy gagging, coughing, and vomiting uncontrollably, you can just swoop in with a clothespin on your nose and snag up the goodies.

Black Ninja Folding Grappling Hook ($15)

Black Ninja Folding Grappling Hook

If your Black Friday plans include warehouse stores like Costco, Sam’s Club, and BJ’s, you’re going to need one thing you can’t buy: height. Because, while your rivals are duking it out for flatscreen TVs that they can reach, untold riches await far above the fray, at the top of the two-story racks usually only accessible by forklift. This hook includes 33 feet of nylon rope weight rated to 800 pounds and folds for easy concealment. Just remember to bring a Ninja buddy, because once you scale that rack, you’re going to have to toss the TV to someone …

AstroGlide ($8)

Astroglide

Once you’ve bashed the door in and made your entry, make sure to empty an entire bottle of this powerful oil-based personal lubricant all over any tiled surface you cross. This will create an extremely effective slipping hazard and help keep the hordes of crazed holiday shoppers behind you at bay just long enough for you to get a generous head start. It’s like throwing banana peels all over the floor, but less noticeable and easier to transport. It’s also great for anal.

Injectable Adrenaline ($75)

Epipen

Joining the hardest of hardcore Black Friday shoppers by camping out in front of your favorite retailer Thursday night doesn’t mean squat if you’re not prepared for what happens when those doors open Friday morning. All your new friends who toasted your dedication the night before are going to be prowling the starting line before the sun comes up like a bunch of lions playing musical chairs. Lucky for you, there are no rules against performance enhancers in this game, so bring an EpiPen. While they’re jacking up on coffee, you’ll be running through brick walls.

Avalanche Pack  ($550)

Avalanche kit

These suckers are meant for hardcore big mountain skiers who regularly face the risk of getting buried under thousands of tons of snow, but they also happen to be extremely effective as emergency anti-trampling tools. Strap one on your back, and if you ever find yourself overcome by a World War-Z status peoplelanche in the electronics aisle, just pull the ripcord to deploy two high-pressure protective airbags on your sides. They’re also great for establishing a personal bubble in the checkout line. Homeboy in the Rudolph sweater standing a little too close? Give that ripcord a quick tug and you’ll send him flying across the room.