10 Items Your Geek Friends Don’t Want for Christmas

Although some of you will think these items are pretty cool, trust us, your geek friends hate 'em.

Tech enthusiasts are a quirky and cynical bunch – which is why shopping for them is an agonizing affair that rarely ends well. In general, most prefer to spend their time deriding the failure of products (Exhibits A and B, guilty as charged) rather than actually lusting over them. (With the possible exception of Apple fans, who will fawn over anything Steve Jobs kicks down to them from his shiny white plastic throne.) That’s why, though we’ve given advice on techie gifts to get for family, friends and coworkers, we wouldn’t touch “gifts for nerds” with a ten-foot Ethernet cable. Instead, we’ve merely set out to help you avoid the angst of your local lovable technophile with a few gifts that he or she will most definitely not appreciate, despite your best intentions.

Digital Picture Frames

Yes, we included one on our list of gifts for family, but keep in mind that your garden variety nerd cannot stand such a blatantly consumer-friendly device marketed to moms and dads. They may have been high-tech status symbols at one point, but now it’s like giving a Crayola watercolor set to an artist.

Guitar Hero Ripoffs

Warning: Guitar Hero and Rock Band are the only music titles you should be investigating for your musically challenged techie friends who dream of rock stardom. Super Guitar Star should remain on the deep discount table at Macy’s.

EyeClops Night Vision Goggles

Save this one for the kiddies. Not only is it embarrassingly over-styled for anyone over age 13, it’s not the real nightvision you think it is. Help your friend save up for the grey-market military-spec model he really wants, instead. www.eyeclops.com

Saitek Cyborg Keyboard

Though half the companies making peripherals these days would have you believe that gamers require edgy, glowing input devices that looked like they were ripped out of a movie set, we know plenty of hardcore gamers still using the crusty Microsoft mouse and keyboard combo that came with a computer five years ago. Unless your giftee is under age 10, the Cyborg will undoubtedly be met with stifled laughter. Read our Cyborg Keyboard Review

Thumb Drives

While novel and useful, thumb drives are another gift that your technically inclined friends are probably already bursting at the seams with. Besides going on sale for ridiculously low prices every other day at online retailers, these things are given out like candy at conferences and other tech industry events. Feel free to use them as a vehicle for personalized content, though.

Tube Amp iPod Docks

Anyone who knows, understands and claims to hear the magical properties of tube amps most likely reviles digital music players – that’s just the way audiophiles are. That makes these gimmicky combinations of new and old rather perplexing to us, and most likely to your vinyl-collecting audio enthusiast friends, too. Save your money for a Marantz.

Wrapping Paper Slitters and Package Openers

Seriously, someone makes this? Let’s just put this on the list of items that nobody wants, nerd or not. There is no justifiable reason for ever buying this in place of a knife or scissors. Ever.

Target’s Digital Camera Gift Card

Making every gift card over $50 into a digital camera is a pretty clever publicity stunt, but any geek worth his salt has about half a dozen cameras better than this just kicking around in a drawer, and one with ten times better resolution even on his cell phone. Don’t be fooled by the “free” aspect, most nerds will just see this as a really bulky gift card.

iClones

Yea, the iPhone is pretty pricy, and that two-year contract is a real catch, but please don’t stoop to this level. We can’t imagine anything more crushing than getting one of these cheap iPhone wannabes on Christmas day – ripping the paper off what appeasr to be an iPhone, opening the box, turning it on and… realizing its an utter waste of plastic.

Geeky Clothing

It’s tempting, we know, but do this one for the good of society. Even if your geeky friend would love a shirt with a witty in-joke, arcane technical term or worse, and Internet meme printed on it, just say no. If anything, you’re doing your friend a favor by allowing them to interact with the rest of society with one less degree of alienation. We recommend deodorant as a substitute gift.