Like communism and amusement parks, car sex is usually better in theory than it is in practice. Sure, some vehicles are better than others for doing the deed, but for the most part, our daily drivers are too cramped, too awkward, and too public for a successful rendezvous. At best, they should be used as a last resort.
We’re certainly not here to bash on anyone’s personal choices, but we are here to provide a service. If you’re going to get down in a car, do it right. In no particular order, these are the worst choices for automotive sexy time.
P.S. Thanks to the Digital Trends staff for the oddly specific (and extremely personal) suggestions.
If you’re looking for something with less space than an airplane bathroom and none of the amenities, you’ll love the Peel P50. The smallest production car ever made, the one-seat, one-door coupe (yes, one door) is a bad choice for Valentine’s Day for its compact dimensions alone, but its complete lack of sex appeal will also get you laughed out of the most eccentric dogging circles.
During its initial production run in the 1960s, the P50 was advertised as having room for “one adult and a shopping bag,” which doesn’t exactly leave a lot of room for extracurricular activities. However, the vehicle’s puny profile would be easy to hide if you can’t help yourself, and it’d make for a great story to tell over drinks later.
1992 – 1995 Dodge Viper
Who here likes third-degree burns with their sex? Nobody? Yeah, didn’t think so.
The Dodge Viper earns its spot on our list for several reasons — a cramped cabin and harsh ride among them — but we’ve singled out the Phase 1 version for its infamous exhaust system. In an effort to give the coupe a brutish performance car attitude, Dodge routed the exhaust pipes along the sides of the car, which were known to get very hot and burn the calves of its occupants as they exited. Unless you have a very specific fetish, you may want to spring for the Phase II Viper, which had a more conventional muffler at the rear. Think of it as a good place to start a discussion with your date about how “exhaust ports” can be… used differently.
Safe sex is important, but for this one, you may want protection on both of your heads. A car should be relatively stable if you’re going to fornicate inside of it, and given the Reliant Robin’s tendency to fall over during any sort of cornering, the vehicle’s tipsy persuasions mean it’s probably not the best choice for a Valentine’s Day romp. There is a van version of the three-wheeler, though, if you’re into that sort of thing.
P45 from Top Gear
Thought the Peel P50 was the smallest car in the world? You’re right (according to Guinness), but only for production vehicles. Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson took the P50’s title as a challenge, so during Series 19 of the show, he built an even smaller vehicle called the P45. Based on a quad bike, the P45’s features minimal bodywork designed to wrap around to driver, making it easy to maneuver, but absolutely terrifying to drive in traffic. Heck, you’d have a difficult time getting sexy with yourself in this thing, much less another person.
Hey now, get your mind out of the gutter. We’re saying don’t have sex in the back of Popemobile. You know, out of respect. Who’d disagree with that?
In all seriousness, a Popemobile is a bad choice here because nearly all of them feature a transparent glass canopy for presentation purposes, which would put your mating display out there for everyone to see. They’re also constantly flanked by security teams, who would put a stop to your hanky-panky quicker than you can say “Vatican City.” Read more here.
2003 – 2009 Toyota Prius
Out of all the cars on this list, the Prius is probably the most comfortable to get your freak on in. It’s no Rolls-Royce in terms of luxury, but the world’s most famous hybrid has a serviceable backseat that folds flat and a stereo for mood-setting. That being said, the Prius boasts the sex appeal of Wonder Bread, so you’re better off putting the money you save on gas toward a hotel room.
Looking for a truly seductive hybrid? Check out this dreamy thing.
The Ariel Atom is one the most impressive performance machines ever made, but as sexy as hitting 60 mph in 2.8 seconds is, stumbling around the two-seater’s exposed tube frame like a drunken gymnast is not. The Atom’s complete lack of doors, roof, and body panels would leave you entirely exposed, and you’ll probably struggle to explain why you spent $65,000 on a glorified go-kart. There is good news though — if you’re spotted, few cars will get you out of there quicker.
2003 Chevrolet Cavalier
The Chevy Cavalier is a sad, sad car. It features a droopy front fascia that looks like it’s constantly being broken up with, and the low-rent interior is a dreadful wash of gray plastic and cloth. Even in the barren wasteland that is 1990s-era American economy cars, the Cavalier stands out for its shoddiness. If you ever went against your natural instinct of self preservation and answered a Craigslist “missed connection” ad, this is the chariot of desperation that you would be picked up in.
Need another reason to avoid this car? The third-generation model earned dismally low crash scores from the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety, who said the Cavalier was among the vehicles with the “highest rates of driver deaths.” There’s nothing sexy about that.
1995 – 2001 Geo Metro hatchback
It’s tiny. It’s cheap. It’s ugly. The Geo Metro hatchback checks all the boxes for cars not to get horizontal in.
Originally sold brand-new without hubcaps, the plucky Metro meets the standards of basic transportation and not much else. Considering its low price and popularity as a “beginner’s car,” though, the Metro has likely been home to more sexual awakenings than any other vehicle on this list, which has to count for something. We imagine Metro drivers as folks who know the basic mechanics, but don’t have the experience to really get it to perform. This may translate to other areas, if you catch our drift.
Ford Crown Victoria Police Interceptor
Despite the fact that police uniforms remain a popular costume choice for strippers (we, uh, read that somewhere), the Crown Victoria Police Interceptor is not a vehicle that inspires confidence of the romantic variety. Some may revel in the thrill of getting caught, but being charged with public indecency or defiling an official vehicle probably isn’t worth it. Also, the body-fluid-proof plastic seats have probably collected enough “inadmissible DNA evidence” to kill the vibe.
Did we miss any cars to avoid this Valentine’s Day? Leave your recommendations in the comments below.