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Center for Disease Control denies ongoing zombie apocalypse

It started last Saturday with a vicious attack in Miami. 31-year-old Rudy Eugene was shot to death by police officers as he bit and tore chunks of flesh from the face of Ronald Poppo, a local homeless man. Police claim that Eugene was ordered to stop chewing on Poppo’s face, yet this did nothing to deter him, nor did the first bullet fired into his body. In the end, it took multiple rounds to end Eugene’s rampage. 

Then, on Tuesday, 21-year-old Maryland resident Alexander Kinyua admitted to killing his roommate, 37-year-old Kujoe Bonsafo Agyei-Kodie, and eating his brain and heart. That same day a man in New Jersey cut out his own intestines and threw them at police who attempted to respond to the scene.

Meanwhile in Canada, police are searching for Luka Rocco Magnotta, a stripper/escort/porn star who they believe murdered a man, dismembered the body, had sex with the remains, then mailed them to various parts of Ottawa.

As if this sudden outbreak of Fulci-esque horror wasn’t enough, Gawker reports that mysterious rashes have been discovered in Florida high schools. HazMat teams were called in to search for a source for the baffling rash, yet so far they’ve found no definite cause.

Despite what the above may lead your pop-culture-addled brain to believe, hell is not full and the dead are not walking the earth. Or so claims the US Center for Disease Control. “CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms),” wrote CDC spokesman David Daigle in an email to the Huffington Post.

Despite Daigle’s reassuring words, it should be noted that the CDC is nothing if not prepared for disaster, and the bureau offers a helpful primer on what to do in case George Romero’s nightmares opt to invade our reality. Admittedly, it was originally created as a tongue-in-cheek, general purpose disaster preparedness guide, but that was well before people started chewing off other people’s faces and using their own digestive tracts as weaponry.

We’re not going to suggest that anyone panic over this — odds are pretty solid that the recent past has just been bizarrely horrific, instead of the advent of a new world ruled by flesh-craving, shambling corpses — but as always, we advise caution when dealing with anyone who looks suspicious. If your wife suddenly starts making guttural moaning noises and develops cravings for bloody red meat, she may very well be a shambling abomination unto nature.

Or maybe she’s pregnant. Either way.

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