Hammacher Schlemmer Dry Water Jet Massager

Now and then, bizzarro contraptions that look like they’re straight off the cover of Popular Mechanics from 1932 manage to escape the drawing board and become reality. The Hammacher Schlemmer Dry Water Jet Massager is just such a device.
It’s no flying car, perpetual motion machine or hovercraft, but what it does promise is almost equally bizarre: a water jet massage without getting wet. Like a Jacuzzi without the… wet

While that may not sound so pleasant, it’s actually quite practical. After all, a dip in a hot tub with jets is relaxing, but it also messes up your hair, makes you smell like chlorine, and gives you a rather nasty chill when you get out. Enter the Dry Water Jet Massager.

The Dry Water Jet Massager looks a bit like some sort of futuristic sleeping pod from a sci-fi movie. It has a massage-style bed for users to lay on, and a canopy that houses the actual massage components, which hinges around the foot area and seals down against the base, creating the “pod” look. (Claustrophobes need not worry, though: it doesn’t seal completely. Your head will still be exposed.)

Image Courtesy of Hammacher Schlemmer

The “dry” in “dry water massage” is thanks to a polymer sheet in the canopy, which rests against your body as it seals down around you. The water jets on top shoot down against it, delivering the soothing force of a water jet against your body without the soaking.

As for those jets, there are actually 28 of them, all controlled by microprocessors, which emulate the percussion technique of a shiatsu massage. Using the integrated LCD contral panel that’s mounted in view of your head during the massage, you can play with the heat of the water, change the intervals of the blast, and even tell it which muscle groups are sorest so it can concentrate on them.

And if you’re prone to getting bored during a massage, or feel the need to multi-task even while you relax, that screen also doubles as a television for watching DVDs in comfort as the water jets knead out your soreness. Can’t be bothered to keep your eyes open? Hook your MP3 player up to the included Bose headphones and add some musical accompaniment to your spa treatment.

If this all sounds a little overboard already, get ready for a “But wait, there’s more…” Ron Popeil moment: The Dry Water Jet Massager actually includes an aromatherapy unit, meaning you can select from a variety of scents to slowly release during your massage. If you’re counting, that’s officially all five senses covered.

Sadly, unlike anything Ron Popeil hawks on television, there’s no “five easy payments” for this thing. You can only pick one up through the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog for the princely sum of $29,500. Of course, that includes their “white glove delivery,” so all you have to do is fill it up with 20 gallons of distilled water, plug it in, and flip it on. If that’s not much consolation, you can always try the DIY version with a tarp and a garden house. But somehow, we imagine it’s just not the same.