In a shocking move today, Microsoft has begun a drive to remove all windows from homes around the world and replace them with what the company is dubbing “Live Tiles.” Though they are completely different than their glass predecessors, CEO Steve Ballmer claims that the Live Tiles can replace windows with “no compromises.”
Live Tiles do not open, allow for airflow, or let light in, but do come in a number of neon colors. Though they have none of the benefits of an actual window, the Tiles can display a fraction of a weather report, rotating pictures of friends, or a static picture of the outdoors. Once you’ve paid the $40 upgrade fee and your windows have been switched, the change is irreversible without a rebuild.
“What the hell?! I want my old windows back,” said disgruntled rural homeowner Andrew Couts who shelled out $40 for what Microsoft told him was an upgrade to his windows. “My home looks like a goddamn Fischer Price set. I can’t get anything done.”
Those living in older homes will not be able to directly interact with the Live Tiles, but starting today, Microsoft began selling a new line of homes specifically designed with Live Tiles in mind. Office buildings and businesses with windows will also be forced to upgrade to Live Tiles, though it took them so long to install their last set of windows that Microsoft plans to give them several years to catch up.
As part of the Live Tile rollout, stores that previously sold windows, crews trained to install windows, and companies selling window accessories will be forced to convert their operations to support the millions of Live Tiles attempting to fill the gaps where windows once stood.
Though Microsoft is attempting to eliminate windows around the world, Ballmer repeatedly referred to windows as Microsoft’s future.
“Microsoft is dedicated to windows. Windows is our past, present, and future. We’ll always make windows,” said the CEO before chanting the word “developers” several dozen times to a crowd of aging programmers and journalists. Though homes will be full of Live Tiles, Ballmer claims that Microsoft is, in fact, selling windows.
The world-wide plan to replace all windows comes after several years of testing in mobile homes. Though few mobile home owners have converted to the Tiles, the lack of voluntary adoption has only emboldened Microsoft.