Skip to main content

Explain Yourself! Snapchat

snapchat headerExplain Yourself! corners the worst tech in our lives and demands to know: WTF?! This week: Snapchat, the “real-time picture chatting” app that promises to delete your pictures a set amount of time after you send them, making it the sexting platform du jour for short-sighted teens everywhere:

Before you start judging me, let me tell you a little something about the things I have seen. Honestly, guys, what do you think is going to happen when you give high schoolers smartphones and an app that promises to automatically destroy their photos after a pre-determined time? Did anyone hear about this and not assume that like, 700 preteen girls were going to send wildly inappropriate pictures to their fakey boyfriends? Have you even read my privacy policy? Do you know how many loopholes I’ve got? I am the Swiss cheese of apps: Full of holes (slam!). Fools. Every last one of you. Fools.

You’d think I’d be happier. My icon looks like it was inspired by Casper the friendly ghost and my name sounds like a family phone plan. Oh, and I have like, a ridiculous amount of users. Problem is, those users are so dumb it hurts.

Do you know how many people send messages to this guy?! Or this one?! Yeah, seriously – technology is now making it easier to sext and get sexted. We’re like this close to creating an entire generation who’ve had their junk screen captured and exposed for the entire Internet to mock see. All. Thanks. To me. It’s a huge burden to bear. I’m like the Sisyphus of the app world. Just look it up. 

I mean, I could’ve been used for good. Data plans aren’t what they used to be (so I hear), and alternative messaging services like me are here to save you a dime! And hell, we’re sort of fun! Look, I mean, you can draw a mustache on your face and send it to your friend! Who doesn’t want to draw a mustache on their face and send it to their friends?! I’ll tell you who: Terrorists. It’s good old fashioned fun is what it is, I’ll tell you what. ­­

snap chat explain yourself screenshots
Image used with permission by copyright holder

Problem is, it turns out that users (ugh, users?! Seriously? Is any jerk with an iPhone and a spot on his dad’s family plan get to be considered a “user”?) are horrible, disgusting people. Do you know how many penises I’ve seen – and not just of the drawn-on variety? It’s like my Vietnam. I’m going to start having flashbacks if I go on any longer. The horror penises … the horror penises!

I know you’re all worried about the dangers of Facebook predators and somebody stealing your kid’s PlayStation Live account, but please, I’m begging you – just look at what you’ve done. You’ve massively popularized an app that tells your kids they can do whatever they want because a smartphone – a tool which has proven to do plenty of suspect things with your data – promises not to save that picture.

Also, I’ve given an unnecessary spotlight on some really terrible trends, like the creepshot, and the selfie. Did we need more of these? No, no we did not. We are making the Internet worse, everyone. I cannot sleep at night knowing that there is a Twitter handle out there called Snapchat Problems (handle: @SnapchatProbbz. Yes. Really). That is not acceptable.

So here’s the deal: Let’s all just cool it with the sexts, and maybe everybody with a child should shoot a sideways glance at what in God’s good name they are using me for. I’ve been through enough. We’ve all been through enough. We’re better than this, guys. I know it.

Editors' Recommendations

Digital Trends Staff
Digital Trends has a simple mission: to help readers easily understand how tech affects the way they live. We are your…
Recognizing that you have a life, Snapchat unveils games you can play any time
snapchat leaderboard games find my friends  hero triptych

Love Snapchat games, but can’t ever seem to have friends active at the same time? The social app’s latest addition to its new in-app games allows users to play anytime, while still competing with friends. Launched on Tuesday, December 17, Leaderboard Games is a new format for Snap Games that allows friends to compete against other friend’s top scores.

Snap Games debuted earlier this year, but multiplayer options require friends to play at the same time. The new Leaderboard Games allow for friendly competition on your own schedule. Score streaming displays friend’s scores live, as they play the game, for friends that want to check in. Friend’s Bitmojis will also peek in on the game as you play -- so even if the friend isn’t playing at the same time, their online likeness can still cheer you on.

Read more
Doodles become augmented reality art with Snapchat’s new 3D Paint tool
Snapchat

https://digitaltrends-uploads-prod.s3.amazonaws.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/3d-create-paint-snapchat-press.mp4

Tired of Snapchat’s usual round of face filters? Soon, you can paint your own augmented reality Lenses using a new tool called 3D paint. Rolling out beginning October 30, 3D Paint allows Snapchat users to draw in augmented reality using the front-facing or rear-facing cameras on iOS 8 or later, with a future update bringing the tool to Android.

Read more
No, Snapchat’s original show wasn’t bigger than Game of Thrones
game of thrones

Snapchat Chief Business Officer Jeremi Gorman said that one of Snapchat’s original shows was watched more than the Games of Thrones finale. That's not really true.

Gorman said in a session during Advertising Week that one of Snap’s Originals, a reality show called Endless Summer, was watched by 28 million people, according to CNBC. In comparison, a record-breaking 19.3 million people tuned in for the final episode of Game of Thrones in May. Endless Summer stars YouTube star Summer Mckeen's life in Laguna Beach, California.

Read more