The Galaxy Alpha is proof that Samsung is terrified of iPhone 6

Read our full Samsung Galaxy Alpha review.

If you’re an Android fan, don’t you dare buy the Samsung Galaxy Alpha. Lay down your hard earned cash for a Galaxy S5, if you must stay with Samsung, or an LG G3, an Xperia, or any of the other great smartphones released this year. Why? Because the Galaxy Alpha represents everything Android supporters are supposed to hate about the despicable Apple iPhone. Not only that, but it’s further proof Samsung is still terrified of it, too.

It’s amazing that after all these years, through the continued talk of the iPhone’s fall from grace, Samsung and several other companies still run off into a corner and curl up in a ball at the mere mention of a new model. The iPhone, which is supposed to be dead don’t forget, also still manages to be the template on which new hardware is based. Actually, no it doesn’t. In 2014, it’s merely the rumors about the next iPhone that inspires manufacturers.

Reactionary cowardice from Samsung

The Galaxy Alpha is the most reactionary phone we’ve seen all year, even more so than Amazon’s Fire Phone, which we’ll come to shortly. The Alpha’s big selling point is its metal frame, something which Samsung has been keen to introduce for a while, but rather than wrapping it around a monster screen, it has chosen a 4.7-inch display. Bucking the established trend of bigger is better, this size is coincidentally exactly what we’re expecting from the iPhone 6, the most openly rumored phone, I’d guess, of all time.

Buy the Galaxy Alpha, and you’ll be an iSheep by proxy

A posh, metal framed, 4.7-inch phone, launched in September? Wow, what an unexpected turn of events. Still, at least the spec sheet is super impressive, and the price is sensible. Oh, hold on, that’s not right either. The screen has a 720p resolution, the camera 12 megapixels, and there’s a sure to be a, billed as revolutionary, octa-core chip inside. It even has a fingerprint scanner. The price? Judging by early international costs, it’s going to be more than $650.

Related: Read all the latest rumors surrounding the Apple iPhone 6

Premium pricing for a phone with middling specs, but oodles of style. Hear that? That’s the penny dropping. Samsung has released its first true iPhone. If you’ve been vocal about hating Apple’s style over substance approach in the past, then the Galaxy Alpha is the enemy within. It’s specifically designed to appeal to people who’d normally buy an iPhone, in the most lazy, cowardly way possible. Yes, Samsung has been accused of copying Apple before, so it’s hardly a shock, but this should be the phone which makes even the most ardent Apple haters sit down and keep quiet. Buy it, and you’ll be an iSheep by proxy.

The droids at Amazon don’t know any better

Amazon Fire phone top back angle 2It’s not only Samsung making little puddles on the floor when it thinks about having to compete with a new iPhone. Amazon, a soulless corporation intent on looking hip, put some of its best robots on the job to design its first smartphone. Inevitably, after many hours of heavy computation, the ‘bots came up with a device that looks like the iPhone, except black. The Fire phone has a 4.7-inch, 720p screen; it also has a metal chassis, and a glass rear panel, plus the sleep/wake key on the top right, and the volume keys on the top left side. Squint, and it’s hard to tell the difference between them. Even the much vaunted interface borrows heavily from iOS.

Related: Here’s our full review of the Amazon Fire Phone

iPhone is still trendy

A year ago, Amazon and Samsung would have slapped 5-inch or larger screens on these phones. Massive touch screens were their way of standing out against Apple, which has stuck with a 3.5-inch and subsequently, a 4-inch, screen for so long. Now Apple’s supposedly going large (4.7 inches) and wimpy manufacturers suddenly release sub 5-inch phones without the word Mini in the name. Apple’s not even setting the trend, in the truest sense of the word, the trend is being artificially generated by the quivering masses at Samsung and Amazon, even before the iPhone 6 has been announced.

In many ways, newcomer Amazon can be forgiven for mimicking the top-selling phone, but Samsung has mocked Apple about the iPhone’s shortcomings for too long for this kind of nonsense to be OK.

We know you’re scared, Samsung, but the Galaxy Alpha is the equivalent of sniveling “please don’t hurt me,” while being stared down by the school bully. It all but guarantees a wedgie. You know what? When you’re such a wuss, you probably deserve it, too.

Get our Top Stories delivered to your inbox: