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So, Steve Jobs is hanging with JC in heaven, watching the iPhone announcement …

EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

It’s the morning of September 10. We see beautiful people, all dressed in white, dancing as far as the eye can see. BIGGIE SMALLS and TUPAC rhyme on stage together as JAM MASTER J spins behind them. It’s like one of P.Diddy’s white parties. Or something like that.

JESUS, white beard, flowing robe – the whole deal – twerks in the middle of the crowd when suddenly he stops and looks around. Someone is missing. He excuses himself toward the large MANSION across the way.

INT. DINING ROOM – DAY

The large dining room is empty except for a fireplace and a man, thin, wearing a turtle-neck and jeans sitting on the ground, computer in his lap. Jesus approaches.

JESUS

Steve? What are you doing inside? The party’s off the chain.

The man lifts his head. It’s STEVE JOBS. He has tears in his eyes.

STEVE

Oh, hey JC. I’m kinda not in the mood to party today.

JESUS

Not in the mood to party? Stevie, baby, this is heaven. It’s what we do! You gotta stop watching so much Breaking Bad. I’m starting to get concerned.

STEVE

No, I was just reading the liveblog of Apple’s keynote.

JESUS

Wasn’t there one of those like three months ago?

STEVE

Yeah, but now they announced two new iPhones.

JESUS

Two? Hmm…

STEVE

Well, one’s the cheaper model. It’s called the iPhone 5C, and it’s just $100 on contract, made of solid unibody plastic, and comes in a variety of colors.

JESUS

Ooh, colors? Let me see.

Jesus looks at an image on a Retina MacBook and shields his eyes.

iPhone 5C

JESUS

Oh … It’s … bright, isn’t it? The yellow one kinda gives me a headache. But I put mine in a case anyway. Do they have cases for it?

Steve hesitates.

JESUS

Steve? Do they have cases?

Steve clicks a button and the new cases pop on the screen.

JESUS

Ha! It looks like one of those old Connect Four games. Do you remember those?

STEVE [disappointed]

Yes, I remember.

Jesus begins to laugh.

STEVE

I’m glad you find this so funny.

JESUS

I’m sorry. I don’t mean to laugh, but when I think of Apple design I think of really sleek, clean, minimal. This looks like a toy.

Jesus gets serious.

JESUS

I’m sorry, Steve. It could be worse. I mean, did you see the new Yahoo! logo? The intern’s one was better, don’t ya think?

STEVE

Easy for you to say. It’s not your name being sullied.

JESUS

At least no one saw the Ashton Kutcher movie. That would’ve really sullied your name. Alex still hasn’t gotten over the Colin Farrell situation. Besides, absolutely no one thinks this was your idea. That much is obvious.

STEVE

That’s exactly what I’m afraid of!

JESUS

I know it’s hard, but you’ve just gotta let them make their own mistakes.

STEVE

Haven’t you ever been embarrassed by how one of your creations turns out?

JESUS

Are you kidding? Have you been to Philadelphia? Anyway, what about the other phone? What’s the deal with that one?

STEVE

Ah … well, the iPhone 5S, as they call it, has loads of features. It’s the first 64-bit smartphone in the world. It’s 56 times faster than the original iPhone, measures motion data with an accelerometer, gyroscope and compass support which opens the door for tons of fitness apps, has the first A7 chip in a phone with 3x general-purpose registers, 2x floating-point registers and over a billion transistors …

JESUS

I’m not sure what that means, but it sounds good.

STEVE

Plus, it’s got an even better camera with slow motion video …

JESUS

I like that.

STEVE

It’s got super fast LTE wireless, and a new fingerprint ID sensor that replaces a password for security.

Jesus enthusiasm dies.

JESUS

Huh.

STEVE

What? You’re not into the fingerprint thing? I know you’re used to how it is in heaven, but downstairs sometimes your phone gets stolen.

JESUS

Well, it’s just with all the NSA stuff I’d be a little hesitant to have my fingerprint online, ya know? Just gives me the heebie-jeebies.

iPhone-5S-touchid-2

STEVE

I didn’t really think about that.

JESUS

But the phone sounds great, Steve. Really.

STEVE

It’s the most advanced phone ever created.

JESUS

There ya go! See, so it’s not all bad. Mr. Ive isn’t spending all his time in the gym. He’s still got the touch. What about colors?

STEVE

Hmm?

JESUS

Are there colors like the last one?

STEVE

Well, it comes in black, white, or … (gulp) gold.

JESUS

Holy me! Gold?! You guys created a gold iPhone? How gaudy can you get? You never pick the gold one! Didn’t you guys see the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade?

STEVE

No!

JESUS

Really?!

STEVE

What’s your point?

JESUS

My point is … they chose poorly.

A look of boredom comes over Steve’s face.

STEVE

Can we raise the tone of conversation here?

JESUS

Uh, sure. Sorry, man!

As Steve scrolls down the Apple website, his eyes light up with rage and his halo sets on fire.

STEVE

You have got to be kidding me. Oh, that’s it. I can’t take this!

JESUS

Steve … what’s the matter??

STEVE

LOOK AT THIS!!

Steve holds up his MacBook and furiously hits the zoom button in Safari. The monitor is filled with the back of a yellow iPhone 5C with a neon-green holed case on it.

STEVE

WHAT DO YOU SEE HERE?! 

Jesus puts on his reading glasses as Steve points his finger at the screen.

JESUS

h-o-n. hon. What’s hon?

STEVE

“IPHONE,” DAMNIT! IT’S SUPPOSED TO SAY IPHONE. WHAT KIND OF IDIOT … I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!

Steve grabs Jesus’s Halo, bends it into a dagger, and storms out of the house.

STEVE

COOK!!

EXT. HEAVEN – DAY

Steve barges through the gates of heaven. Just before he leaps off the edge of the cloud, Biggie Smalls and Tupac body block him from jumping over the edge and Gandalfing his way to earth.

green yellow case iphone 5c

STEVE

LET GO OF ME!!

Jesus catches up.

JESUS

Steve. You have to calm down. We can’t keep doing this! You can’t let every mistake get to you. You’re more upset than you were when Pixar released Cars 2 on DVD.

Steve’s hyperventilating slows as Jesus hands him a brown bag to breathe into.

STEVE

Am I the only person at Apple who knew what the hell I was doing?

JESUS

It’s OK, Steve. It’s Okay. You should have seen me 2,000 years ago. I was a real mess, too. Have I introduced you to Adam? He loves apples. You guys are gonna get along great.

The co-founder of Apple sighs in defeat.

STEVE

Okay. That might be fun. Maybe.

JESUS

Good, good. And guess what?

STEVE

… What?

JESUS

I pulled some strings and got you next week’s episode of Breaking Baa-ad.

STEVE

DOES WALTER MAKE IT?!

JESUS

Let’s go find out!

Jesus and Steve hold hands and go watch TV together. 

Top image courtesy of MondoMedia