EXT. HEAVEN – DAY
It’s the morning of September 10. We see beautiful people, all dressed in white, dancing as far as the eye can see. BIGGIE SMALLS and TUPAC rhyme on stage together as JAM MASTER J spins behind them. It’s like one of P.Diddy’s white parties. Or something like that.
JESUS, white beard, flowing robe – the whole deal – twerks in the middle of the crowd when suddenly he stops and looks around. Someone is missing. He excuses himself toward the large MANSION across the way.
INT. DINING ROOM – DAY
The large dining room is empty except for a fireplace and a man, thin, wearing a turtle-neck and jeans sitting on the ground, computer in his lap. Jesus approaches.
JESUS
Steve? What are you doing inside? The party’s off the chain.
The man lifts his head. It’s STEVE JOBS. He has tears in his eyes.
STEVE
Oh, hey JC. I’m kinda not in the mood to party today.
JESUS
Not in the mood to party? Stevie, baby, this is heaven. It’s what we do! You gotta stop watching so much Breaking Bad. I’m starting to get concerned.
STEVE
No, I was just reading the liveblog of Apple’s keynote.
JESUS
Wasn’t there one of those like three months ago?
STEVE
Yeah, but now they announced two new iPhones.
JESUS
Two? Hmm…
STEVE
Well, one’s the cheaper model. It’s called the iPhone 5C, and it’s just $100 on contract, made of solid unibody plastic, and comes in a variety of colors.
JESUS
Ooh, colors? Let me see.
Jesus looks at an image on a Retina MacBook and shields his eyes.
JESUS
Oh … It’s … bright, isn’t it? The yellow one kinda gives me a headache. But I put mine in a case anyway. Do they have cases for it?
Steve hesitates.
JESUS
Steve? Do they have cases?
Steve clicks a button and the new cases pop on the screen.
JESUS
Ha! It looks like one of those old Connect Four games. Do you remember those?
STEVE [disappointed]
Yes, I remember.
Jesus begins to laugh.
STEVE
I’m glad you find this so funny.
JESUS
I’m sorry. I don’t mean to laugh, but when I think of Apple design I think of really sleek, clean, minimal. This looks like a toy.
Jesus gets serious.
JESUS
I’m sorry, Steve. It could be worse. I mean, did you see the new Yahoo! logo? The intern’s one was better, don’t ya think?
STEVE
Easy for you to say. It’s not your name being sullied.
JESUS
At least no one saw the Ashton Kutcher movie. That would’ve really sullied your name. Alex still hasn’t gotten over the Colin Farrell situation. Besides, absolutely no one thinks this was your idea. That much is obvious.
STEVE
That’s exactly what I’m afraid of!
JESUS
I know it’s hard, but you’ve just gotta let them make their own mistakes.
STEVE
Haven’t you ever been embarrassed by how one of your creations turns out?
JESUS
Are you kidding? Have you been to Philadelphia? Anyway, what about the other phone? What’s the deal with that one?
STEVE
Ah … well, the iPhone 5S, as they call it, has loads of features. It’s the first 64-bit smartphone in the world. It’s 56 times faster than the original iPhone, measures motion data with an accelerometer, gyroscope and compass support which opens the door for tons of fitness apps, has the first A7 chip in a phone with 3x general-purpose registers, 2x floating-point registers and over a billion transistors …
JESUS
I’m not sure what that means, but it sounds good.
STEVE
Plus, it’s got an even better camera with slow motion video …
JESUS
I like that.
STEVE
It’s got super fast LTE wireless, and a new fingerprint ID sensor that replaces a password for security.
Jesus enthusiasm dies.
JESUS
Huh.
STEVE
What? You’re not into the fingerprint thing? I know you’re used to how it is in heaven, but downstairs sometimes your phone gets stolen.
JESUS
Well, it’s just with all the NSA stuff I’d be a little hesitant to have my fingerprint online, ya know? Just gives me the heebie-jeebies.
STEVE
I didn’t really think about that.
JESUS
But the phone sounds great, Steve. Really.
STEVE
It’s the most advanced phone ever created.
JESUS
There ya go! See, so it’s not all bad. Mr. Ive isn’t spending all his time in the gym. He’s still got the touch. What about colors?
STEVE
Hmm?
JESUS
Are there colors like the last one?
STEVE
Well, it comes in black, white, or … (gulp) gold.
JESUS
Holy me! Gold?! You guys created a gold iPhone? How gaudy can you get? You never pick the gold one! Didn’t you guys see the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade?
STEVE
No!
JESUS
Really?!
STEVE
What’s your point?
JESUS
My point is … they chose poorly.
A look of boredom comes over Steve’s face.
STEVE
Can we raise the tone of conversation here?
JESUS
Uh, sure. Sorry, man!
As Steve scrolls down the Apple website, his eyes light up with rage and his halo sets on fire.
STEVE
You have got to be kidding me. Oh, that’s it. I can’t take this!
JESUS
Steve … what’s the matter??
STEVE
LOOK AT THIS!!
Steve holds up his MacBook and furiously hits the zoom button in Safari. The monitor is filled with the back of a yellow iPhone 5C with a neon-green holed case on it.
STEVE
WHAT DO YOU SEE HERE?!
Jesus puts on his reading glasses as Steve points his finger at the screen.
JESUS
h-o-n. hon. What’s hon?
STEVE
“IPHONE,” DAMNIT! IT’S SUPPOSED TO SAY IPHONE. WHAT KIND OF IDIOT … I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
Steve grabs Jesus’s Halo, bends it into a dagger, and storms out of the house.
STEVE
COOK!!
EXT. HEAVEN – DAY
Steve barges through the gates of heaven. Just before he leaps off the edge of the cloud, Biggie Smalls and Tupac body block him from jumping over the edge and Gandalfing his way to earth.
STEVE
LET GO OF ME!!
Jesus catches up.
JESUS
Steve. You have to calm down. We can’t keep doing this! You can’t let every mistake get to you. You’re more upset than you were when Pixar released Cars 2 on DVD.
Steve’s hyperventilating slows as Jesus hands him a brown bag to breathe into.
STEVE
Am I the only person at Apple who knew what the hell I was doing?
JESUS
It’s OK, Steve. It’s Okay. You should have seen me 2,000 years ago. I was a real mess, too. Have I introduced you to Adam? He loves apples. You guys are gonna get along great.
The co-founder of Apple sighs in defeat.
STEVE
Okay. That might be fun. Maybe.
JESUS
Good, good. And guess what?
STEVE
… What?
JESUS
I pulled some strings and got you next week’s episode of Breaking Baa-ad.
STEVE
DOES WALTER MAKE IT?!
JESUS
Let’s go find out!
Jesus and Steve hold hands and go watch TV together.
Top image courtesy of MondoMedia
Editors' Recommendations
- Nomad’s new iPhone case and Apple Watch band may be its coolest yet
- 5 phones you should buy instead of the iPhone 15 Pro Max
- 5 phones you should buy instead of the iPhone 15 Pro
- Don’t buy a Galaxy S24 Ultra or iPhone 15 Pro Max. Do this instead
- I finally found a reason to love USB-C on the iPhone 15
