Generally speaking, earnings calls are something of a snoozefest — after all, how interesting can a quarterly report on a company’s performance really get? Apparently, really interesting when you turn it into a drinking game, as per the suggestion of the Un-carrier, T-Mobile. CEO John Legere’s often-controversial methods were already placed on full display during Verizon and AT&T’s earnings calls last month, when he encouraged listeners to imbibe freely as well, but now, they’re gearing up for what T-Mobile is calling the “Last Call” edition.
The company’s Q4 2015 results will be live streamed tomorrow, February 17, at 8:30 a.m. ET — the exact time when you’ll be itching for your first drink of the day, right? The rules are simple — any time someone says that the company is “listening to customers,” Legere curses (four-letter words only, please), or Mike Sievert says “Un-carrier,” you’ll have to take a drink. Basically, if you’re planning on participating in this game and going to work tomorrow, you’re going to need to amend your plans.
Things get a bit more complicated if Braxton Carter (T-Mobile’s CFO) makes an appearance wearing a magenta sombrero, whereupon you’ll have to take two drinks. If CTO Neville Ray says the words “Verizon” and “Balls” in the same sentence, or if people just generally start talking dirty, you’ll also have to take two drinks. Again, do not participate and plan on being a sentient human being.
And if you’re a real heavyweight when it comes to drinking, there are of course rules that are sure to challenge even the most hardened sailor. If someone on the earnings calls actually pays a competitor a compliment, if someone is truly dressed to the nines (that is to say, wearing a suit and tie), or if Sprint is brought up as a legitimate competitor, you’re going to have to polish off the drink you have in hand. Ouch.
So if you’re planning on playing, maybe play it smart and use coffee — you’ll be fully awake by the end of this report.