Worst App of the Week: ‘Passion’ silently judges you while you have sex

American Pie

We’re going to have to establish some sort of official rule about phone use in the bedroom – especially when the bedroom is being used for things like sex, which does not require the presence of a phone or tablet. It should go without saying – and we’d hate to be invasive and controlling over what happens behind closed doors in your house – but please try to keep apps out of the bedroom. We didn’t think this was a distinction we’d ever have to make, but it turns out we’re wrong because Passion (an app that will inspire anything but) exists.

IMG_0338“Oh, how bad could an app called Passion really be? It seems lovely,” you might think. No, it’s not lovely. It’s an app designed to do one thing and one thing only: judge you while you have sex. As if the sighs of disappointment and loveless, distracted eyes of your partner weren’t judgement enough, this little $1 investment wants to manifest all of your worst performance anxieties into an easy-to-digest ranking of shame.

“This iPhone application measures how well you perform during sex, and gives you a rating from 0 to 10, 10 being the highest,” explains the app description. Thanks for explaining how number scales work, app description, because not only am I insufficient sexually but I also have been confused time and time again by arbitrary number systems. At least I’ll get something positive out of this.

It’s an app designed to do one thing and one thing only: judge you while you have sex.

Logically, the next question you’re probably asking is “how exactly could an app measure how good you are at sex?” Why, through a foolproof process of in-depth algorithms that you could never truly understand. Luckily, after some very thorough research, we did seem to find the key to strong scores: Tons of movement and lots of noise. You know how you’ve been trying to listen to your partner and tend to their needs to satisfy them? Well throw all that out the window because Passion knows a couple is really having a good time when they are indiscriminately flailing while making unintelligible noises at the top of their lungs. That is the best indication of a truly satisfying love life.

Passion app

Your overall score, on that aforementioned handy ten-point scale, is handed out by combining three scores: Duration, orgasm, and activity. Activity and duration are easy to figure out. Those are pretty objective scores, though you might find yourself arguing for a couple extra seconds – or minutes – to be added to your duration score (Foreplay counts, right?!). The orgasm rating, though, seems to come out of nowhere (there are plenty of ways to work dirty puns into that sentence, but we’re going to leave it to you to find your own). Who’s orgasm are we counting? If someone says, “It was good for me, how about you?” after, does the app take into account the other person’s answer? Can it judge the sincerity in their voice? And honestly, will anyone ever actually reach orgasm while using an app that, when turned on reads, “You may start having sex?” 

You don’t need an app to tell you how good or bad you are at sex. You can talk about those things with your partner and learn more about their likes and dislikes, their turn ons and turn offs. Then you won’t feel the need to be validated by some app that got it’s highest review from a user (Jalvares) who’s screen name is suspiciously close to the last name of the app creator, Cris Alvares. We’re sure he has a very satisfying love life, but you can find out for sure by following the suggestion of Jalvares’ review and “check out the high score list.” Turns out the high score list is empty; if you use this app, so will your bed.

Get our Top Stories delivered to your inbox: