Worst app of the week: Predicktor can only disappoint

Emasculation and inadequacy: There’s an app for that.

There are apps for literally everything these days, including one that would probably correct the hyperbolic use of “literally” in this sentence. But it shouldn’t, because this week’s app is all about exaggeration. It’s something almost all men are guilty of, but now there is an app that will dispel all your claims about your endowment. The Predicktor app for Android takes measurements from your body and tries to predict (ahem) the size of your member.

predicktion2 — Image used with permission by copyright holder

Here’s how it works: You answer some questions and plug in information about yourself – or about the specimen your eyeing up across the room for whom you have every measurement but the one that matters (Am I right ladies?) These “predicktables” include height, shoe size, butt size (butt size?), age, index finger size, sexual orientation, ring finger size vs index finger size, and the ever important question: are you a porn star or not? All of this information combined is supposed to produce a figure that is an accurate measurement of your male genitalia. The entire time you wait for the result to calculate, simply repeat in your head, “size doesn’t matter, size doesn’t matter.” But you wouldn’t be in this awful app if it didn’t.

The point of this app isn’t necessarily supposed to be an accurate erection calculator, but is instead intended to be an educational experience. The number is based on an actual algorithm and there is an explanation for each piece of data that you’re required to enter. Supposedly, there are real studies that have found trends in penis size, but the app swears it’s purely an educational tool to calm the nerves of men who may feel inadequate and worry about how they may measure up against other guys.

if someone’s creepy enough to try to figure out your penis size, they would definitely sneak up behind you with a tape measure

Maybe it’s meant to ease the nerves of men. Maybe you’re supposed to let out a sigh of relief when the number comes up on the screen and it’s no where near your size. Maybe you’re supposed to laugh when you read through all the information about how you stack up against the world averages and how studies yield varying results and they don’t mean anything. Maybe all that is true, but what happens when you enter the information and it produces the exact number you were holding in your head – and the exact number your boxers are holding right now?

I should be an anomaly to this app. I’m short – about 5’6″ – but I have huge feet – size 13. Nothing about me makes sense. If anything, the scale should have come up and just broke. I entered in all the information briskly, snickering as I did. “This is so ridiculous. I paid a dollar for this app to come up with some fabricated number,” I thought to myself. I checked off every box, entered every number, and shook my device to calculate because that’s what you’re supposed to do for some unknown reason. The result? Right on. Terrifyingly, unmistakably, right on.

It’s not the number that is so awful. I’ve lived with that my whole life; I know what I’m working with. It’s the fact that the number came back so … correct. It makes you feel naked – which you very well may be while using this app. The whole point of the experience is to say, “See, all this information is totally meaningless because you’re unique and no one can use a formula to generate this information about you.” Except they totally can.

Sure, your penis stalker would have to get your butt size to figure out what you’re packing, but if someone’s creepy enough to try to figure out your penis size, they would definitely sneak up behind you with a tape measure.

What’s the best case scenario with this app? At least half the time it’s going to give you a number bigger than yours, which could send you into a tailspin of inadequacy. And if it comes up with a smaller number then, well, who cares? There is literally only one group of people that this app helps: Porn stars. As if they need the ego boost.

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