Now that Best Buy has joined Yahoo! in ending its popular work-from-home policy, those used to working from home will undoubtedly have trouble re-acclimating themselves to their new office environment. Having experienced such a change myself, I remember wishing someone had taught me the customs and rules of the office-worker. Some of you haven’t experienced cubicle captivity in years; others may be entering into it for the very first time. I’m here to help.
Rule 1: Wear pants
Making a cup of coffee before sitting down at the desk while wearing only the worn-out boxers your mom sent you seven Christmases ago isn’t going to cut it. You’re working with other human beings now, and you have to cover everything from your thigh zits down. Yes, that includes shoes and socks, too.
Wait, it gets worse: You can’t wear the same pair of pants every day, because despite what you think, people will notice. They’ll be nice to your face, but they’ll also think you’re homeless.
Rule 2: No porn
Unless you work in Las Vegas or the Vatican, looking at pictures and/or videos of naked people will be frowned upon in your new environment. The same goes for pictures of Kate Upton in a bikini; nobody thinks you’re reading the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue to shore up your March Madness bracket. Speaking of which …
Rule 3: No gambling
Seriously. That shit is illegal.
Rule 4: When people talk to you, you have to listen to them
There are certain benefits to working with others. If there’s a fire someone will smell smoke and alert you of the danger; if something’s about to fall on you someone will yell, “Look out!” and maybe even remove you from harm’s way, and if you’re bored, you’ll have someone to talk to. The only draw back is that others will talk to you as well. If you gain a reputation for ignoring them when they do, then the aforementioned benefits will evaporate, and you could find yourself pinned under a fallen bookshelf while the office burns to the ground and you’re really bored.
Rule 5: Learn people’s names
You’re going to meet many people on your first day. That can be overwhelming. I, for one, have always had a hard time remembering people’s names when I first meet them, so here’s a little trick I’ve learned: picture them naked. It won’t help you with their names, but it might help soften the blow of Rule 2.
Rule 6: You’re breathing really loud
Jesus. Close your mouth.
Rule 7: Personal hygiene is important
That mustache you’ve been growing for Movember isn’t charming here, it’s just going to make everyone suspect that you’re a child molester. And the crestfallen face you made when you read Rule 2 didn’t help, either.
Rule 8: Take up smoking
Now that you’re sitting behind a desk for 8+ hours a day, your only opportunity to go outside and get some fresh air will come from a pack of cigarettes. When you think about it, it’s the healthy choice. Also, now that you no longer get those naps and midday Xbox sessions, this is your only chance to break up the monotony of the day. Anyway, all the cool kids are doing it. You don’t want to be a loser, do you?
Rule 9: Make someone your bitch right away
You have to show them that you won’t back down to anyone, so on the first day pick the biggest guy inside and beat the … You know what? I’m sorry – this rule is for a different list.
Rule 10: Another thing about your pants? Keep it in them
Do not try to start anything with one of your co-workers, because here’s what happens: You start hanging out socially, then you kiss, the next thing you know, you’re “seeing” each other. It’s likely going to lead to sex, and once that happens you’ll begin to suspect all that person’s friends are glowering at you because you didn’t call the next day. These things basically never work out, plus they ruin your chances with anyone else in the office, which wouldn’t be so bad until you remember Rule 2.
Rule 11: Wait … why are you doing this again?
On second thought, this is a horrible idea. You should quit and get a job at one of these places and then burn all your pants.