WTF, Internet? Celebrities don’t need their own apps (and neither do you)

Celebrity apps — Image used with permission by copyright holder

I’ve said it many times: I love Instagram. I also love hip-hop. So you would think, naturally, this means the day I started following Snoop on Instagram would have been a red-letter day!

Well, it was – for a little while. Back then, Snoop was posting photos of his wake-n-baking, red carpet-attending, studio sesh-filled, Oregon Ducks-supporting lifestyle. I was amused, and I approved.

But then, a dark day descended in the form of the Snoopify app. In case you were unaware, Snoop has his own app. Honestly, I sort of like it: Who doesn’t want to deck themselves out like so:

snoopify example — Magical. Just magical. Image used with permission by copyright holder

Don’t lie. I know you do. You all do.

Unfortunately, however, the app includes an option to share these images to Instagram. That’s where the problem comes in: Snoop really, really likes Instagram. He also really, really likes self-promotion. Thus every time I open up Instagram, there they are: A damn hoard of Snoop’s Snoopified photos.

Snoop, you are ruining my feed. Just ruining it.

He is unfortunately not alone – there are far, far too many official celebrity apps. There exists a Chris Brown app for the four people that don’t hate that guy (yet), and a Britney Spears app, dubbed It’s Britney!. T-Pain’s I am T-Pain app (let’s all just appreciate that naming scheme for a moment) is a thing that is real and exists. There is – I shit you not – an official Reba McEntire app so you can keep up on her Twitter, blog, concerts, etc. All things Reba, all the time. What a world!

Why do celebrities think they need their own standalone apps? Why can’t you just use apps like the rest of us? Is that not good enough for you?

You do not need that much Chris Brown in your life, weirdo.

Think about it: Say you’re interested in the previously mentioned Chris Brown app (I hate you, we’re no longer friends). The app makes sure you know when he posts to his Tumblr, Instagram, YouTube, Twitter. So then you natively get your Chris Brown info here … but you also probably follow him on those sites. But the second you open those apps up, you’re once again greeted by the same stuff you already saw.

That is just excessive Chris Brown, plain and simple. You do not need that much Chris Brown in your life, weirdo.

What’s really terrifying about all this is what it could lead to. Yes, reader, I’m about to make a Slippery Slope argument (shout out to all my fellow high school debaters who identified, groaned, and yelled “logical fallacy!” at that). Hop on this Slip ‘N Slide and away we go!

snoopify — It’s time to chill on the Snoopify. Image used with permission by copyright holder

Right now, it’s celebrities who think they deserve these apps … but pretty soon, it’s going to be everyone. Social media has turned us into these narcissistic, hyper-connected, self-obsessed, faux celebrities. People rattle off how many retweets they got, how many people like their Facebook status, how many Instagram followers they have as proof of popularity. Social currency isn’t just a fun term – it’s a real thing that can get you stuff. Stuff and money!

So once this happens, not only will we have social apps in which we follow and engage with our friends, we’ll also each have our own apps that loop in all the content we’re creating with our various social apps, and then there will – naturally – be apps so that people can collect and browse all of their friends’ apps, which, as a reminder, contain previously mentioned social-app activity.

Apps!

The only solution I can see is to cut everybody down a notch, and that means I’m starting with Snoop. You’re outta my Instagram feed. Social media should be all about moderation, and this is pure gluttony.

I’m sorry it had to come to this, but I’m trying to save the world from itself here, one horrible social app at a time. We all need to check ourselves before we wreck ourselves.

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