wtf-internet

Something that I would classify as pretttttty damn important happened recently. It was revealed, thanks to a leak, that the NSA has been heavily monitoring our digital communication. It’s a shocking report, and if the PRISM program at the center of it turns out to function like many analysts and pundits assume it does… well, that will have serious consequences not only for consumers like you and me, but to international and federal policy and foreign relations (#sorrynotsorry, China?).

Who brought this massive surveillance network to our attention? Edward Snowden, a contractor who helped build it. Whether you think he’s a savior, a martyr, or an America-hater, his actions will have a significant effect on the future of citizen surveillance, and America’s stature in global politics.

YAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWN!

I’m sorry, did all that national security intrigue and scandal put you to sleep? Is a discussion about the merits, disadvantages, or plausibility of a Big Brother state not interesting you? Is the man who gave up his plush office job in Hawaii to flee to Hong Kong and risk potential jail time in the name of transparency not capturing your attention?

Well then you’re in luck, because Edward Snowden had a really hot girlfriend! And guess what: she Instagrams! #Snowdengirlfriendselfiesforlife!

Seriously, what’s happening in the circle is not remotely OK.

I get it, guys. Here we have a Manic Pixie Dream Girl in Lindsay Mills, and sure, there’s some romanticism and mystery wrapped up in the whole she-dated-a-whistleblower-who-fled-the-country-after-leaking-national-secrets plotline. There’s probably a really cool story in there about what living with Snowden was like; and a million times more importantly, what she knew about his life or the lies he told her to cover them up.

But for reals, she posts underwear pictures and she’s a dancer. Let’s all talk a lot about what that one blog post everyone keeps reposting means. (Am I the only one who thinks this reads like bad LiveJournal poetry from middle school? Does she have a Xanga account with glitter GIFs? I bet the inside of her brain straight up looks like a book of Lisa Frank stickers.)

Sorry I got distracted by my own unmitigated sarcasm. I have no beef with Lindsay Mills. (Hey, I had a book of Lisa Frank stickers!) It’s probably very traumatic to have your spy boyfriend up and leave. I mean, we all think those breakups where he/she ignores your texts for a couple weeks are tough… oof. Now this is brutal.

And I get it: When something really complicated and important happens, a lot of people cling to the most personally identifiable thing that has to do with it. This one happens to be a pretty girl who got broken up with (sort of) and gave us plenty of photo insight into her life. 

OK BUT – this is different! I know I can’t make you care about the PRISM leak and what it means, but I think we’ve gone overboard with the distracting side stories, Internet. There are roundups of Lindsay Mills’ digital presence and articles musing about the current state of her fragile mentality. Overnight, the girl’s become an Internet sensation. Her Twitter account is being watched like a hawk. A really sexy hawk. A sexy, pole-dancing, spy-dating hawk.

You know how many people have hot girlfriends? Lots. Do you know how many hot girls get broken up with? SO MANY! Take a trip over to Statigram and check out the #heartbroken hashtag and you will not be disappointed.

Seriously, if you’re rabidly eating up the Lindsay Mills news but haven’t a clue why China hates us when consequences of this leak start getting real, I will have no pity for you, nor will I explain. You should have listened up when you had the chance.

To be fair, you’ll probably know way more about whatever Kim Kardashian is doing that week. And I won’t make you explain it to me either, so I guess we’re even.