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WTF Internet? If you need an app to tell you when to have sex, it’s over

I hope this is one of those weeks where everyone I know is too busy to read this column, because it’s about to get real – real personal and real awkward.

So let’s talk about the intersection of sex and technology. More like the interSEXion, right? Sorry.

There’s been a lot of talk about “gamifying” relationships recently. A slew of apps are out there, trying to penetrate (insert penis joke here) the addiction to our digital lives and the effects this has on our real world relationships. We ignore our partners for our phones, we text during sex, we sext during sex, we Facebook cheat. Clearly there’s something here – but maybe it’s just something bad.

… just go bump uglies like a normal couple: Listen to some K-Ci and JoJo or light some weird candles or oil each other up…

Enter, Kahnoodle. The new app wants to “reinvent date night” with curated packages (not to mention subscription fees). It also wants to act like a digital automation system for relationships, so that you remember to, you know … interact with the human you share some part of your life with.

Kahnoodle will help you remember things like movie nights and anniversaries; maybe it will let you know it’s been awhile since you texted your significant other back. But most horrifyingly of all, it will remind you that it’s sexy time.

I imagine using Kahnoodle might go a little something like…

[Cue baby-making music.]

Ah, hello, sex partner. I have just received a push notification alerting me that we have not banged in four days. I’ve also been warned you will be menstruating next week, thus we may want to consider using this evening – or the next, depending on your schedule – for lovemaking purposes.

Talk about a boner killer.

WTF Internet 08_11_2013 Kahnoodle screenshots

I’m not sure what’s less sexy: That your S.O. doesn’t instinctually remember or think to have sex with you or that he or she has downloaded an app in order to amend the problem. No wait … I do – it’s the one where somebody’s looking at their phone and going “Right! It’s sex time!”

I get it, we’re all very busy people. So busy – just, crazy busy. You can try and imagine how busy we are, but you probably can’t quite understand it; that’s how busy. And the stress! Yikes! Man do we love to talk about how crazy-busy-stressed we are. We should all be wearing shirts that say “Ask me about how stressed out I am!” And we’ve just got to have our Evernotes and GCals and Eventbrites and Hootsuites – all these apps that help us manage said overwhelming, soul-crushing, fun-deflating busy-ness.

But seriously, if your life has gotten to the point where sex requires a push notification, it’s time for some personal reflection. This personal reflection should either end with, “Wow I am being incredibly douchey” or “I am President Obama and yes I am quite busy.”

The idea of using an app to make a romantic relationship better is like trying to focus while writing your thesis and deciding to look through a puppy-theme GIF blog. Trust me, it is not going to help unless your goal is to get sucked into an adorable-yet-mind-numbing cycle of this:

Sure, it’s not a bad way to go, but it’s sure not going to get that thesis written. How many of us are already distracted from our relationships by apps? I am raising my hand right now. It is high in the air. I, too, have played more games of solo Boggle on my phone while pretending I’m listening to that super interesting story about his day.

“Yeah, tell me more about that thing that’s important to you [inside brain: Rats, Tar, Tars, Star, Sat…].”

And I’ve done my fair share of “I’m not pouting” pouting while being ignored for Infinity Blade. Or Candy Crush. Damn you, Candy Crush! You might be solely responsible for millions of college kids never getting laid. Point being, apps are not the answer to a problem apps created.  

So just go bump uglies like a normal couple: Listen to some K-Ci and JoJo or light some weird candles or oil each other up … whatever gross stuff you’re into that doesn’t require a push notification, jump on it. Literally.