Listen, Google and Apple, this is not how you reanimate obsolete technology!

apple google reanimate obsolete technology headerIt’s official. We’ve run out of ideas. After years of developing products that make our everyday lives easier and more efficient, tech giants like Google and Apple have apparently decided the next wave of the future looks a lot like our past. Yes, the next wave of technology is (wait for it)… watches and glasses. We’re going to have watches and glasses everybody!? Hooray!

Regarding Google Glass, not since Navin Johnson has someone had the bright idea to update the 800+ year-old eyesight improving contraption, so kudos to Google for being in great company. Besides the fact that they look patently ridiculous, Glass seems an odd choice for Google, since most people don’t want to wear glasses so badly that many choose to have elective surgery instead. The only emerging market for glass wearers seems to be NBA players, but if they’re going to sell to that group they need to make big bright frames without lenses at all.

It’s wireless! You don’t need to plug it in, because now it runs on fossil fuels!

As for the Apple iWatch, they already make a timepiece. It’s in the phone they sold me. Are they going to stop selling iPhones?? Is this product an iPhone replacement? Why on Earth did everyone spend the last few decades packing everything we needed into the smart phone if the benefits are now going to be disassembled and sold separately? Is the iThermometer next?? Or iCalculator?

Despite my reservations, you can’t argue with either company’s track record. So I’m sure other companies are looking for ways to compete with Apple and Google’s retro-tech future. Here are a few ideas that I’d like to pitch:

The Electronic Pencil

Sure, no one really writes anymore, but that’s because the pencil has not kept up with the times. Imagine a writing device that never runs out of lead and erases with ease with no smudging on paper. Also it could double as a rectal thermometer and/or Karaoke microphone. Now we just have to inform the consumer as to what paper is.

The Answering Mini-Machine

You’re out of the house at your local record store so how are people going to get in touch with you?? “A cell phone,” you say? That would have worked before you traded yours in for an iWatch. Good thing you have your trusty answering machine on your landline. But how do we update the answering machine for the next generation?? We shrink it down in size and make it mobile, small enough that you could clip it on to your belt. Like a beeper, only with … well, mostly it’s like a beeper.

The Internal Combustion Engine

Everyone’s going green. We’ll go the other way. Sure, the Internal Combustion Engine requires fossil fuels to run, is economically impractical as gas prices rise, and it pollutes the environment, contributing to climate change or as the Tea Party calls it, “God’s Sauna.” But with this updated version we’ll include a Foursquare feature so you’re whereabouts can be updated to Facebook and Twitter. You don’t think that’s impressive?? Well, you will when your car makes also status updates, takes photos, and befriends other cars in the neighborhood all by itself! This never ends badly!

The Mobile Fax Machine

You typed up a few documents on your trusty typewriter and now have a few pages of paper that you need to be sent to another location for review. Now I know what you’re saying … “Seriously, what is this ‘paper’ you keep talking about?” We’ll get to that in a minute. Just marvel at how you can now have the stuff received by someone, anywhere else in the world, nearly instantly, on their own paper! How is this different an old school fax machine? Simple: it’s wireless. You don’t need to plug it in, because now it runs on fossil fuels!

Paper

A long time ago, before the advent of monitors and touch screens, this is what we wrote on. We made it by cutting down trees, and we’re not updating it a single bit, because trees are assholes.

Laser Discs

We’re not updating these, either. I just feel like we never really gave ‘em a shot, you know?

Seriously, stop backpedaling

Personally, I think all these ideas are winners. Are they retro enough to compete with Apple and Google? Probably not. But that won’t keep me from taking people’s money on Kickstarter, so start contributing now!

Look; I understand the relentless need to innovate, and I’ll admit that iWatch and Google Glass sound sort of cool in theory. But in practice? Come on; who really wants to walk around looking like this?

Even DeLorean owners are like, “Dude, that guy’s pretty douchey.”?

These are not the next great ideas. They’re not even the last ones. They’re like Reebok “Pump”, New Coke, and Sting’s solo work: ideas born from bad science fiction’s notion of the future, one we’ve long since passed.

If Apple and Google insist on looking backward, the least they could do is avoid teching out tired ideas and focus on the cool ones.

The views expressed here are solely those of the author and do not reflect the beliefs of Digital Trends.

Cars

We get up close with the Vision iNext concept to learn about BMW’s future

Through a massive worldwide campaign that visits various major cities around the world, we get our exclusive opportunity to get up close and personal with BMW’s latest Vision iNEXT Concept to learn about automaker’s future plans.
Mobile

Updating to Apple’s iOS 12 will make your iPhone a whole lot smarter

iOS 12, the latest version of Apple’s iOS, is officially here. We took it for a spin to check out its new noteworthy features, and if it truly changes our smartphone habits for the better.
Mobile

Dozens of bite-sized features add up to a feast in Android 9.0 Pie

Google’s latest version of Android is here, and it’s called Android 9 Pie. We’ve been using it for the past few months on a Google Pixel to see how this flavor stacks up.
Social Media

New to Snapchat? Follow our guide and go from newbie to pro

Whether you're a Snapchat addict or a newbie, our detailed Snapchat guide will help you become a pro in no time. Find out how to get started, spice up your snaps, chat, send money, and carry out a host of other useful actions.
Mobile

Code found in iOS 12.1 beta suggests we will see a new iPad this fall

The new iPhone XS, iPhone XR, and Apple Watch aren't the last devices we'll see from Apple in 2018. There are plenty of rumors about a new iPad coming this year too, and it may share some design similarities with the new phones.
Wearables

Fitbit Versa vs. Apple Watch Series 4: Which wearable is the best?

Smartwatches are the health-conscious wearables that everyone wants. We wanted to see how the brand-new Apple Watch Series 4 matches up with the beloved Fitbit Versa, so we compared them in various categories to help you choose.
Mobile

Fitbit’s new health care platform sets out to improve wellness in the workplace

Fitbit's new platform, Fitbit Care, aims to help improve wellness in the workplace. Using wearables, digital health coaching, and a more personalized health care experience, employees can have an easier time staying on top of their health.
Deals

Cyber Monday 2018: When it takes place and where to find the best deals

Cyber Monday is still a ways off, but it's never too early to start planning ahead. With so many different deals to choose from during one of the biggest shopping holidays of the year, going in with a little know-how makes all the…
Mobile

88 percent of the $800-plus smartphones sold last quarter were iPhones

Apple may not sell as many smartphones as Samsung overall, but according to a new report that varies depending on price. The company sold 43 percent of all smartphones over $400, and 88 percent of those over $800 last quarter.
Mobile

How to clean your iPhone’s charging port

What happens when your iPhone charger doesn't work? It's time to look at the charging port. Here's how to clean your iPhone's charging port: We'll go over the most successful methods and the safety tips you need to know.
Mobile

Which new iPhone is the best? iPhone XS vs. iPhone XS Max vs. iPhone XR

Apple has three new iPhone models to choose from this year, making the choice a little harder than usual. What's the difference between the iPhone XS, the iPhone XS Max, and the iPhone XR, and which is best?
Wearables

WatchOS 5 comes with tons of new features -- here are our favorites

Months after Apple announced its latest software at WWDC, you can now download WatchOS for the Apple Watch. WatchOS 5 brings a number of new features including new watch faces and improved health tracking.
Computing

Documentation shows data recovery possible for Macs with T2 coprocessor

New documentation from Apple shows that data recovery is indeed possible for Macs with T2 Coprocessor thanks to internal diagnostics software, giving users of the 2018 MacBook Pro new hope in the event of a system failure.
Mobile

The iPhone XS and XS Max are now available -- here's how to get them

After months of rumors and speculation, Apple has finally taken the wraps off of the new iPhone XS, iPhone XS Max, and iPhone XR. Now that the phones are out, you might be wondering how you can get them for yourself.