Don’t just survive Black Friday, conquer it with this morally depraved gear guide

black friday survival guide

You know the real reason Black Friday is so beloved by Americans? The violence. It gives the average Joe a chance behave like an NFL linebacker in a fumble scrum, while simultaneously taking care of holiday shopping and feeding our jones for a bargain. Don’t avoid it; prepare for it. Head to your favorite retailer geared up with the following weapons … er … protections, and you won’t just survive Black Friday — you will win Black Friday.

SWAT-style battering ram ($200)

Zak Tool Compact Door RAM

Why the hell would they call them “doorbuster” sales if they didn’t actually want you to break down the physical barriers that keep you from getting inside the store? It’s not marketing – it’s an invitation, and it’s one that we highly recommend you act on before anyone else does. Based on our years of firsthand experience, we can guarantee that store clerks are more than willing to step aside when you sprint toward the door with a 65-pound battering ram in your arms and a crazy look in your eye.

Point Blank Body Armor C-Series ($555)

Point blank body armor

Black Friday is bad, but it’s not like you need a bulletproof vest — that would be ridiculous! No, what you need is body armor designed for the close-quarters chaos of a prison riot, which is why we recommend Point Blank’s body armor designed for corrections officers. Nobody would be dumb enough to brandish a gun at Best Buy, but a shiv to the back? Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst …

FORTIS exoskeleton (Price TBA)

FORTIS exoskeleton

In case you haven’t noticed, TV’s have gotten absolutely freaking massive in the past few years, and if you’re going to have any hope of lugging that massive 84-inch quantum dot OLED to the checkstand, you’ll need some mechanical assistance. This badboy was designed by Lockheed Martin to transfer loads through the exoskeleton to the ground in standing or kneeling positions, and allows operators to wield heavy objects as if they were weightless. This way, while others struggle in vain to move a cart through the throngs of crazed shoppers, you can just sprint straight to the TV section and toss that giant new OLED over your shoulder like it’s nothing.

Electric cattle prod ($63)

Miller SS 36 Prod

It’s you against a herd of wild animals on Black Friday, so you should definitely equip yourself with something designed for controlling herds of wild animals. Electric cattle prods are cheap, effective, and have a longer reach than your average taser; so if you bring one along, you’ll be able to keep the frenzied masses at a safe distance as you make your way out the door with your hard-won bounty. If somebody gets too close, that’s when you bust out the bear mace. You do plan on bringing a couple cans of bear mace, right? We feel like that should go without saying here.

.40 Caliber Blow Gun ($10)

40 Caliber Blow Gun

Few things match the anxious frustration of seeing the perfect Black Friday deal fly off the shelf before you can navigate the torrent of humanity between you and it. Don’t let that smug suburban soccer mom walk off with the last Nintendo Switch while you’re still 30 yards out; with this blow gun from Cabela’s, you can drop her in her tracks and buy just enough time close the gap. Once you’re face to face, it’s a fair fight — unless you’ve poisoned your darts with something, which we would never recommend … publicly.

Stink Bombs ($8)

stink-bombs

Whereas the blowgun is good for neutralizing an individual, the stink bomb should be your go-to weapon for crowd control. It uses a pair of simple chemicals that, when mixed, create a horrendously foul odor that’s guaranteed to clear out a large area. This way, when you spot a herd of crazed holiday deal-seekers making their way toward the Microsoft Surface Book display you’ve had your eye on, you can just hurl a vial toward it and force everyone to vacate the area. While everyone else is busy gagging, coughing, and vomiting uncontrollably, you can just swoop in with a clothespin on your nose and snag up all the loot.

Black Ninja Folding Grappling Hook ($17)

Black Ninja Folding Grappling Hook

If your Black Friday plans include warehouse stores like Costco, Sam’s Club, and BJ’s, you’re going to need one thing you can’t buy: height. Because, while your rivals are duking it out for flatscreen TVs that they can reach, untold riches await far above the fray, at the top of the two-story racks usually only accessible by forklift. This hook includes 33 feet of nylon rope weight rated to 800 pounds and folds up for easy concealment. Just remember to bring a strong friend with good hand-eye coordination, because once you scale that rack, you’re going to have to toss the TV to someone down below

AstroGlide ($10)

Astroglide

Once you’ve bashed the door in and made your entry, make sure to empty an entire bottle of this powerful oil-based personal lubricant all over any tiled surface you cross. This will create an extremely effective slipping hazard and help keep the hordes of crazed holiday shoppers behind you at bay just long enough for you to get a generous head start. It’s like throwing banana peels all over the floor, but less noticeable and easier to transport. It’s also great for anal.

Injectable Adrenaline ($75)

Epipen

Joining the hardest of hardcore Black Friday shoppers by camping out in front of your favorite retailer Thursday night doesn’t mean squat if you’re not prepared for what happens when those doors open Friday morning. All your new friends who toasted your dedication the night before are going to be prowling the starting line before the sun comes up like a bunch of lions playing musical chairs. Lucky for you, there are no rules against performance enhancing drugs in this game, so bring an EpiPen. While they’re jacking up on coffee, you’ll be running through brick walls.

Avalanche Pack  ($550)

Avalanche kit

These suckers are meant for hardcore big mountain skiers who regularly face the risk of getting buried under thousands of tons of snow, but they also happen to be extremely effective as emergency anti-trampling tools. Strap one on your back, and if you ever find yourself overcome by a World War Z-style peoplelanche in the electronics aisle, just pull the ripcord to deploy two high-pressure protective airbags on your sides. They’re also great for establishing a personal bubble in the checkout line. Homeboy in the Rudolph sweater standing a little too close? Give that ripcord a quick tug and you’ll send him flying across the room.

Deals

Tom Brady uses these high-tech sheets for muscle pain, and they’re on sale now

Under Armour Recovery Sheets feature unique technologies that can speed your body’s post-workout healing process, and they’re on sale right now at discounts of up to $87. Read on to find out how these innovative sheets work (and how you…
Mobile

Need a date for Valentine's Day? Cozy up with the best dating apps of 2019

Everyone knows online dating can be stressful, time-consuming, and downright awful. Check out our top picks for the best dating apps, so you can streamline the process and find the right date, whatever you're looking for.
Deals

Amazon discounts Garmin, Fossil, and Apple Watches for Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is almost here, and if you’re after a great gift for that special techie in your life, a smartwatch might be just the ticket. We’ve sniffed out the five best smartwatch deals available on Amazon right now.
Emerging Tech

Scoot your commute! Here are the 9 best electric scooters on the market

Electric scooters are an affordable, convenient way to minimize your carbon footprint and zip around town. Check out 8 of our current favorites, whether you're working with a budget or have some cash to spare.
Computing

In 2019, laptops are better than ever. Here are the best of the best

The best laptop should be one that checks all the boxes: Great battery life, beautiful design, and top-notch performance. The laptops we've chosen for our best laptops you can buy do all that — and throw in some extra features while…
Computing

You could spend $1,000 on an iPhone, or buy one of these awesome laptops instead

Finding a decent laptop is easy, but finding one under $1,000 is a bit tricky. Luckily, we've taken some of the guesswork out of picking out a budget laptop. Here are some of our favorites, the best laptops under $1,000.
Smart Home

Let a robot do your chores! Here are the best robot vacuums for 2019

Robot vacuums are a convenient way to tidy up your home and minimize your weekly to-do list. From a top-of-the-line model to a handy budget option, here are the best robot vacuums you can buy right now.
Photography

From DSLRs to mirrorless, these are the best cameras you can buy right now

From entry-level models to full-frame flagships, many cameras take great photos and video. The best digital cameras, however, push the industry forward with innovative sensors and improved usability, among other things. Here are our…
Virtual Reality

Getting into VR is spendy. Which headset is truly worth your hard-earned cash?

Virtual reality has finally gone mainstream, but how do you find the best VR headset for you? Check out a few of our favorites, whether you want the best of the best or a budget alternative for your mobile device.
Mobile

Bag yourself a bargain with the best budget tablets under $200

The battle for your budget tablet affections is really ramping up. Which tablet, costing less than $200, should be commanding your attention? We take a look at some different options for the budget-conscious.
Gaming

Transport your Nintendo Switch in style with these nifty cases

The Nintendo Switch, which boasts both wired and handheld modes, needs a good case to ensure it doesn't get beat up while you're on the go. We scoured through dozens of Switch cases to bring you the best ones.
Home Theater

Throw away those EarPods -- we dug up the best headphones in every style

Trolling the internet for hours to find headphones is no way to live. Instead, leverage our expertise and experience to find the best headphones for you. Here are our 10 favorites.
Home Theater

Still listening on tinny, muffled TV speakers? Try one of our favorite soundbars

You no longer have to sacrifice sound for size when selecting home audio equipment. Check out our picks for the best soundbars, whether you're looking for budget options, pure power, smarts, or tons of features.
Music

The best new music this week: Robert Ellis, Golden Daze, and more

Looking for the best new music? Each week, we find the most compelling new releases just for you. This week: Brand-new music from Robert Ellis, Broken Social Scene, and Golden Daze.