Don’t just survive Black Friday, conquer it with this morally depraved gear guide

black friday survival guide

You know the real reason Black Friday is so beloved by Americans? The violence. It gives the average Joe a chance behave like an NFL linebacker in a fumble scrum, while simultaneously taking care of holiday shopping and feeding our jones for a bargain. Don’t avoid it; prepare for it. Head to your favorite retailer geared up with the following weapons … er … protections, and you won’t just survive Black Friday — you will win Black Friday.

SWAT-style battering ram ($200)

Zak Tool Compact Door RAM

Why the hell would they call them “doorbuster” sales if they didn’t actually want you to break down the physical barriers that keep you from getting inside the store? It’s not marketing – it’s an invitation, and it’s one that we highly recommend you act on before anyone else does. Based on our years of firsthand experience, we can guarantee that store clerks are more than willing to step aside when you sprint toward the door with a 65-pound battering ram in your arms and a crazy look in your eye.

Point Blank Body Armor C-Series ($555)

Point blank body armor

Black Friday is bad, but it’s not like you need a bulletproof vest — that would be ridiculous! No, what you need is body armor designed for the close-quarters chaos of a prison riot, which is why we recommend Point Blank’s body armor designed for corrections officers. Nobody would be dumb enough to brandish a gun at Best Buy, but a shiv to the back? Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst …

FORTIS exoskeleton (Price TBA)

FORTIS exoskeleton

In case you haven’t noticed, TV’s have gotten absolutely freaking massive in the past few years, and if you’re going to have any hope of lugging that massive 84-inch quantum dot OLED to the checkstand, you’ll need some mechanical assistance. This badboy was designed by Lockheed Martin to transfer loads through the exoskeleton to the ground in standing or kneeling positions, and allows operators to wield heavy objects as if they were weightless. This way, while others struggle in vain to move a cart through the throngs of crazed shoppers, you can just sprint straight to the TV section and toss that giant new OLED over your shoulder like it’s nothing.

Electric cattle prod ($63)

Miller SS 36 Prod

It’s you against a herd of wild animals on Black Friday, so you should definitely equip yourself with something designed for controlling herds of wild animals. Electric cattle prods are cheap, effective, and have a longer reach than your average taser; so if you bring one along, you’ll be able to keep the frenzied masses at a safe distance as you make your way out the door with your hard-won bounty. If somebody gets too close, that’s when you bust out the bear mace. You do plan on bringing a couple cans of bear mace, right? We feel like that should go without saying here.

.40 Caliber Blow Gun ($10)

40 Caliber Blow Gun

Few things match the anxious frustration of seeing the perfect Black Friday deal fly off the shelf before you can navigate the torrent of humanity between you and it. Don’t let that smug suburban soccer mom walk off with the last Nintendo Switch while you’re still 30 yards out; with this blow gun from Cabela’s, you can drop her in her tracks and buy just enough time close the gap. Once you’re face to face, it’s a fair fight — unless you’ve poisoned your darts with something, which we would never recommend … publicly.

Stink Bombs ($8)

stink-bombs

Whereas the blowgun is good for neutralizing an individual, the stink bomb should be your go-to weapon for crowd control. It uses a pair of simple chemicals that, when mixed, create a horrendously foul odor that’s guaranteed to clear out a large area. This way, when you spot a herd of crazed holiday deal-seekers making their way toward the Microsoft Surface Book display you’ve had your eye on, you can just hurl a vial toward it and force everyone to vacate the area. While everyone else is busy gagging, coughing, and vomiting uncontrollably, you can just swoop in with a clothespin on your nose and snag up all the loot.

Black Ninja Folding Grappling Hook ($17)

Black Ninja Folding Grappling Hook

If your Black Friday plans include warehouse stores like Costco, Sam’s Club, and BJ’s, you’re going to need one thing you can’t buy: height. Because, while your rivals are duking it out for flatscreen TVs that they can reach, untold riches await far above the fray, at the top of the two-story racks usually only accessible by forklift. This hook includes 33 feet of nylon rope weight rated to 800 pounds and folds up for easy concealment. Just remember to bring a strong friend with good hand-eye coordination, because once you scale that rack, you’re going to have to toss the TV to someone down below

AstroGlide ($10)

Astroglide

Once you’ve bashed the door in and made your entry, make sure to empty an entire bottle of this powerful oil-based personal lubricant all over any tiled surface you cross. This will create an extremely effective slipping hazard and help keep the hordes of crazed holiday shoppers behind you at bay just long enough for you to get a generous head start. It’s like throwing banana peels all over the floor, but less noticeable and easier to transport. It’s also great for anal.

Injectable Adrenaline ($75)

Epipen

Joining the hardest of hardcore Black Friday shoppers by camping out in front of your favorite retailer Thursday night doesn’t mean squat if you’re not prepared for what happens when those doors open Friday morning. All your new friends who toasted your dedication the night before are going to be prowling the starting line before the sun comes up like a bunch of lions playing musical chairs. Lucky for you, there are no rules against performance enhancing drugs in this game, so bring an EpiPen. While they’re jacking up on coffee, you’ll be running through brick walls.

Avalanche Pack  ($550)

Avalanche kit

These suckers are meant for hardcore big mountain skiers who regularly face the risk of getting buried under thousands of tons of snow, but they also happen to be extremely effective as emergency anti-trampling tools. Strap one on your back, and if you ever find yourself overcome by a World War Z-style peoplelanche in the electronics aisle, just pull the ripcord to deploy two high-pressure protective airbags on your sides. They’re also great for establishing a personal bubble in the checkout line. Homeboy in the Rudolph sweater standing a little too close? Give that ripcord a quick tug and you’ll send him flying across the room.

Deals

The best 4th of July sales 2019: Best Buy, Home Depot, and REI

Whether you're looking for price cuts on mattresses, major appliances, kitchen gadgets, outdoor gear, and just about anything you can think of for summer, there's bound to be a sale with your name on it.
Mobile

From true crime to comedy, here's our list of the best podcasts around

When you aren’t in the music mood, podcasts can be your ear candy. Whether you love to stay up-to-date on the latest news or want to know what’s happening in sports, you’ll find something on our must-listen-to podcast roundup.
Computing

HDR monitors are better and more affordable than ever. These are the best ones.

HDR monitors might come at a premium, but if you get the right one for the job it can make movies, games, and even your workday, that little bit prettier. These are our favorite HDR monitors, with something for everyone.
Computing

From Air to Pro, here are the best MacBook deals for June 2019

If you’re in the market for a new Apple laptop, let us make your work a little easier: We hunted down the best up-to-date MacBook deals available online right now from various retailers.
Home Theater

Still listening on tinny, muffled TV speakers? Try one of our favorite soundbars

You no longer have to sacrifice sound for size when selecting home audio equipment. Check out our picks for the best soundbars, whether you're looking for budget options, pure power, smarts, or tons of features.
Computing

Gaming on a laptop has never been better. These are your best options

Gaming desktops are powerful, but they tie you down to your desk. For those who prefer a more mobile experience, here are the best gaming laptops on the market, ranging from budget machines to the most powerful notebooks in the world.
Computing

The best printers money can buy, from Canon and Brother to Epson and HP

No matter how much of life moves into the digital space, there's always a place for physical documents, and thus printers. We've rounded up some of the best printers around, so you can find one that suits your needs.
Computing

Want a PC you can reach out and touch? These are the best touchscreen laptops

The best touchscreen laptops aren't locked to 2-in-1s and convertibles, but include clamshell designs too. We pick the best touchscreen clamshells you can find in 2018, ranging from Windows 10 PCs to Chromebooks.
Home Theater

Throw away those EarPods — we dug up the best headphones in every style

Trolling the internet for hours to find headphones is no way to live. Instead, leverage our expertise and experience to find the best headphones for you. Here are our favorites, with all the features you want.
Computing

13 inches is the perfect size for a laptop. Here are the best you can buy

With so much choice out there, how do you know which are the best 13-inch laptops? They should have beautiful screens, long battery life, and remain light and portable. Here are our favorites.
Computing

Turn your desk into a command center with one of the best ultrawide monitors

Top of the line ultrawide monitors have the deepest curves, the sharpest colors, and the biggest screens on the market. You’re going to want one, sooner or later. So why not sooner? These are the best ultrawide monitors you can buy.
Computing

From photos to tax returns, versatile inkjet printers have you covered

Inkjet printers are incredibly versatile. Besides text documents, many can also print photos -- some can even make museum-quality prints. Multifunction variants add scan, copy, and fax. Here are our current favorites.
Home Theater

The best TVs you can buy right now, from budget to big screen

Looking for a new television? In an oversaturated market, buying power is at an all-time high, but you'll need to cut through the rough to find a diamond. We're here to help with our picks for the best TVs of 2019.
Mobile

Ebook readers are more than just Kindles. Here are all the best options

If you're a bookworm, an ebook reader can be an important part of your life, one that allows you to read your books whenever and wherever you like. But which should you get? Here are the best ebook readers available.