You know the real reason Black Friday is so beloved by Americans? The violence. It gives the average Joe a chance to behave like an NFL linebacker in a fumble scrum, while simultaneously taking care of holiday shopping and feeding our jones for a bargain. Don’t avoid it; prepare for it. Head to your favorite retailer geared up with the following weapons … er … protections, and you won’t just survive Black Friday — you’ll win Black Friday.
SWAT-style battering ram ($200)
Why the hell would they call them “doorbuster” sales if they didn’t actually want you to break down the physical barriers that keep you from getting inside the store? It’s not marketing — it’s an invitation, one we highly recommend you act on before anyone else does. Based on our years of firsthand experience, we can guarantee that store clerks are more than willing to step aside when you sprint toward the door with a 65-pound battering ram in your arms and a crazy look in your eye.
Once you’ve bashed the door in and made your entry, make sure to empty an entire bottle of this powerful oil-based personal lubricant all over any tiled surface you cross. This will create an extremely effective slipping hazard and help keep the hordes of crazed holiday shoppers behind you at bay just long enough for you to get a generous head start. It’s like throwing banana peels all over the floor, but less noticeable and easier to transport. It’s also great for anal.
Black Friday is bad, but it’s not like you need a bulletproof vest — that would be ridiculous! No, what you need is body armor designed for the close-quarters chaos of a prison riot, which is why we recommend Point Blank’s body armor designed for corrections officers. Nobody would be dumb enough to brandish a gun at Best Buy, but a shiv to the back? Hope for the best, prepare for the worst…
FORTIS exoskeleton (Price TBA)
In case you haven’t noticed, TV’s have gotten absolutely freaking massive in the past few years, and if you’re going to have any hope of lugging that massive 84-inch quantum dot OLED to the checkstand, you’ll need some mechanical assistance. This badboy was designed by Lockheed Martin to transfer loads through the exoskeleton to the ground in standing or kneeling positions, and allows operators to wield heavy objects as if they were weightless. This way, while others struggle in vain to move a cart through the throngs of crazed shoppers, you can just sprint straight to the TV section and toss that giant new OLED over your shoulder like it’s nothing.
It’s you against a herd of wild animals on Black Friday, so you should definitely equip yourself with something designed for controlling herds of wild animals. Electric cattle prods are cheap, effective, and have a longer reach than your average taser; if you bring one along, you’ll be able to keep the frenzied masses at a safe distance as you make your way out the door with your hard-won bounty. If somebody gets too close, that’s when you bust out the bear mace. You do plan on bringing a couple cans of bear mace, right? We feel like that should go without saying here.
.40 Caliber Blow Gun ($10)
Few things match the anxious frustration of seeing the perfect Black Friday deal fly off the shelf before you can navigate the torrent of humanity between you and your prize. Don’t let that smug suburban soccer mom walk off with the last Nintendo Switch Lite while you’re still 30 yards out; with this blow gun from Cabela’s, you can drop her in her tracks and buy just enough time to close the gap. Once you’re face to face, it’s a fair fight — unless you’ve poisoned your darts with something, which we would never recommend … publicly.
Stink Bombs ($8)
Whereas the blowgun is good for neutralizing an individual, the stink bomb should be your go-to weapon for crowd control. It uses a pair of simple chemicals that, when mixed, create a horrendously foul odor that’s guaranteed to clear out a large area. This way, when you spot a herd of crazed holiday deal-seekers making their way toward the Google Pixelbook Go you’ve had your eye on, you can just hurl a vial toward it and force everyone to vacate the area. While everyone else is busy gagging, coughing, and vomiting uncontrollably, you can swoop in with a clothespin on your nose and snag up all the loot.
If your Black Friday plans include warehouse stores like Costco, Sam’s Club, and BJ’s, you’re going to need one thing you can’t buy: height. Because while your rivals are duking it out for UHD TVs that they can reach, untold riches await far above the fray, at the top of the two-story racks usually only accessible via forklift. This hook includes 33 feet of nylon rope weight rated to 800 pounds, so it’s beefy enough to safely hoist you (along with your body armor and exoskeleton) up just about anything. Just remember to bring a strong friend with good hand-eye coordination, because once you scale that rack, you’re going to have to toss the TV to someone down below.
Avalanche Pack ($550)
These suckers are meant for hardcore big mountain skiers who regularly face the risk of getting buried under thousands of tons of snow, but they also happen to be extremely effective as emergency anti-trampling tools. Strap one on your back, and if you ever find yourself overcome by a World War Z-style peoplelanche in the electronics aisle, just pull the ripcord to deploy two high-pressure protective airbags on your sides. They’re also great for establishing a personal bubble in the checkout line. Homeboy in the Rudolph sweater standing a little too close? Give that ripcord a quick tug and you’ll send him flying across the room.
Injectable Adrenaline ($75)
Joining the hardest of hardcore Black Friday shoppers by camping out in front of your favorite retailer Thursday night doesn’t mean squat if you’re not prepared for what happens when those doors open Friday morning. Lucky for you, there are no rules against performance enhancing drugs in this game, so there’s nothing stopping you from bringing an EpiPen. Don’t even bother with coffee. While everyone else is sipping their namby-pamby pumpkin spice lattes, you’ll be running through brick walls.
Infected Mask ($550)
Since the dawn of human civilization, warriors have used face paint to make themselves appear more menacing to their enemies. Now, thanks to miracles of modern technology, we can take that same idea and crank it up to 11. Instead of simple face paint, you can now adorn yourself with a horrifyingly realistic silicone mask that makes you look like you escaped the quarantine ward at Chernobyl General Hospital. I guarantee that if you show up to Best Buy in this sucker, nobody will come near you. You’ll be able to enjoy a wide personal bubble, and if somebody breaks that bubble, you can just pop one of the puss-filled boils on your face to send them running (and possibly vomiting) in fear.
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