Have $250 million to blow? Buy the most expensive house in the U.S.

If you can’t buy an island, buy a house instead.

Well, perhaps we should rephrase — if you have the money to buy an island, but would rather buy a house, then you can buy this particular $250 million mega mansion. Large enough that it should warrant its own ZIP code, this truly out-of-this-world residence is located decidedly in this world — in Los Angeles, in fact. And it get special bragging rights as the most expensive home in the country. (Yeah, just the country — not even the world.)

So what does a quarter of billion dollars buy you? If it’s not happiness, it’s a lot of things that might ease your sadness: There are the standard perks like an awesome pool, a home theater, and a bowling alley, but really, that’s the least impressive of this city, er, house’s perks.

In this home’s 38,000 square feet (which doesn’t include the additional 17,000 square feet of outdoor space — we weren’t kidding about the city thing), there are 12 bedrooms and 21 bathrooms. There are five bars, a $200,000 built-in candy wall, a couple mini Sea-Doos, and a little catamaran to accessorize the pool.

Oh, and there are $30 million in cars and a helicopter that just come with the property. Because really, when you’re dropping $250 million, you ought to expect a few “freebies,” right? It’s not just any old helicopter, mind you: is the helicopter from the 80s TV show “Airwolf” — because of course it is.

“Come on! This is f—ing nuts, right?” developer Bruce Makowsky said to The Hollywood Reporter. We couldn’t have said it better ourselves.

To help you run such an outrageous household are seven staffers, who may be able to help you cook meals in one of three gourmet kitchens, or mix up drinks in one of five bars. And to get from place to place, you’ll obviously need the two commercial elevators, and a massage studio to help you unwind from your stressful day of getting from one end of your property to the other.

Apparently, only 3,000 people on the planet have the funds to actually purchase the Los Angeles establishment, so “exclusive” doesn’t really even begin to describe it. But hey, we can dream, right?

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