' ); } }) .catch(function(err) { (console.error || console.log)(err); }); }());

Seriously, a new Road House? Why Hollywood’s reboot machine must be stopped

I held my tongue when we met the third Spider-Man in a decade. I kept quiet when the Terminator franchise got its fifth John Connor. I only grumbled quietly when the Total Recall reboot didn’t even go to Mars! But today’s news about a Road House reboot with UFC star Ronda Rousey was the breaking point. I can’t stay quiet any longer. Hollywood: Pull the plug on the reboot machine! Like, now.

It’s not that I have a problem with Rousey. She is, by all accounts, a total badass — so dominant in her field that her fights these days last about as long as it takes for the fight bell to stop ringing. And, while she may be a pretty terrible actress, you can’t blame the girl for milking her moment in the spotlight. But, here’s the thing: A Road House remake is an absolutely preposterous idea. It’s something that virtually no one (whether they realize it or not) wants to see.

The chances of a production team recapturing the lighting-in-a-bottle ‘80s magic of the original creation are next to nil.

The concept for this cinematic abomination undoubtedly came about in one of two ways. One: At an early-morning pitch meeting, a coked-out MGM VP who didn’t do his homework blurted out the first thing that came to mind. Two: A calculating penny pincher did some math and realized just how inexpensive it would be to land the talent, hack up a script, and trade off of the name recognition of a popular property. I’m just going to go with the latter, as it’s the most likely of the two scenarios, albeit still pathetic.

The primary problem here is that Road House should never have been made in the first place. The movie, which has become a cult classic, only works due to a strange alchemy of cheesy ‘80s sentimentality, guttural violence, and a rubber-tight Patrick Swayze in his prime that appealed equally to both sides of the aisle as both a sex symbol and an utterly approachable action hero. Also, he rips a guy’s throat out at the end — which is awesome.

The chances of a production team — any production team — coming anywhere near recapturing the lighting-in-a-bottle ‘80s magic of that strange creation are next to nil. Prediction: In an effort to bring in teen audiences, and be more PC, the Rousey remake will be rated PG-13. Second prediction: Whether it makes money or not, this movie will be an utter failure in the grander scheme, and forgotten as quickly as this article.

Tinseltown / Shutterstock.com

I could go off on some longer tangent about the perils of taking the easy road, the loss of any semblance of creative spark in the world of blockbusters, and how TV (didn’t you know?) is now the only true bastion for richly drawn storylines in today’s entertainment landscape. But that’s been done before, too.

And it’s not that there aren’t some sparkling properties of high imagination that can be readapted by the directorial wizards of our age to make something great – JJ Abrams, the heir apparent to Spielberg’s throne, proved that with his brilliant reimagining of the Star Trek universe (camera flares/Khan liberties and all). We’re all hoping his talents will finally bring some much-needed legitimacy back to the greatest franchise in sci-fi history, Star Wars.

But a few exceptions aside, the bottom line about the Road House remake, and so many others of its ilk is this: It’s a dumb idea, taken from a dumb movie that will create an even dumber new one. We’re not going to stop going to movies, the film industry isn’t going to collapse, and the end is not near for the once-great reign of silver screen imagination.

But seriously, guys, give us all a break.

Sometimes, when the idea well runs dry, you need to sit out a play or two. At the least, you’ll save yourselves some time and aggravation, and, at best, a few truckloads of cash. But most importantly, you’ll stop looking like a bunch of out-of-touch hucksters trying to make a quick buck. We love our movies. Quit screwing them up.


Stream on, value shopper: Here are the best Black Friday Amazon Fire TV deals

Save yourself some dough and a trip to the store: If you're looking for a new streaming device this Black Friday, look no further than Amazon, which is offering some pretty steep discounts on its popular Fire TV line.

Need a quick battery boost? Try one of our favorite portable chargers

Battery life still tops the polls when it comes to smartphone concerns. If it’s bugging you, then maybe it’s time to snag yourself a portable charger. Here are our picks of the best portable chargers.
Home Theater

The best movies on Netflix in November, from 'Buster Scruggs’ to ‘Dracula’

Save yourself from hours wasted scrolling through Netflix's massive library by checking out our picks for the streamer's best movies available right now, whether you're into explosive action, witty humor, or anything else.

The best movie soundtracks of all time, from 'Star Wars' to 'E.T.'

Whether you're a lover of beautifully composed original scores or a fan of perfectly compiled popular music, these are the best movie soundtracks of all time — from Star Wars to Garden State.

Canceling Amazon Prime is easy, and you might get a refund

Don't be intimidated. Learning how to cancel Amazon Prime is easier than you might think. You might even get a partial or full refund on the cost, depending on how much you've used it. Check out our quick-hit guide for doing so.
Movies & TV

Fresh footage and Willem Dafoe make the final 'Aquaman' trailer special

Jason Momoa will bring Aquaman back to the big screen for a solo feature in December 2018. Here's everything we know so far about the aquatic superhero's live-action adventure in the DC Extended Universe.

Google Play Store offers big movie and game discounts for Thanksgiving

With the holiday season upon us, Google has unleashed a torrent of tempting deals in the Play Store. You can snag top games for up to 80 percent off, rent any movie for just 99 cents, and get discounts on books and apps.
Movies & TV

More than just a rematch, 'Creed II' is an emotional knockout

It'd be easy to write off Creed II as a rematch of Rocky IV, but it hits hard with great performances and a surprisingly layered story that explores complicated themes while still offering cheer-worthy moments.
Home Theater

Stream on, pilgims: Google Play movie rentals are 99 cents for Thanksgiving

Need some post-dinner plans? Google has made every film in its Google Play rental catalog just 99 cents for Thanksgiving, providing viewers with access to many of the most popular recent films on the cheap.