Despite the fact that the new host of The Late Show was off the air on break last week — when J.J. Abrams’ latest two and half minute trailer was making media waves — Colbert decided to join in fans’ never-ending plot speculation last night, saying in his old Colbert Report swagger, “just seeing this trailer, I am confident that I have the definitive guess as to the entire plot of the movie.”
What does Colbert think will happen? Well, what he offered wasn’t so much a plot summary as a doctoral thesis in Star Wars philosophy, in which he believes that everything from the original trilogy has been turned on its head in the thirty years since those events took place. Read the full prediction below:
The dark and mysterious First Order has stepped into the power vacuum once held by the Empire. And the newly named Resistance fights in place of the Rebel Alliance, which has begun a tragic shift to the dark side. But John Boyega’s character is in a Stormtrooper, so it follows that now the new New Hope comes from the very enemy we’ve been trained to hate. Remember, the Dark Side was never explicitly tied to the Empire. The Force itself exists outside of mere temporal authority structures. So I predict that dark becomes light, light becomes dark, and the very fabric of the Force is stretched to its limit, as a new generation emerges to tear down the false distinctions of the past and unite all of us.
That’s some heavy stuff coming from a comedian. But then, if there’s anyone who understands the mythological analysis of cult classics, it’s Colbert.
A virtual encyclopedia of Lord of The Rings lore, he famously bested actor James Franco at middle earth trivia twice on his former show, The Colbert Report.
In this case, though, he is predicting with the same information as the rest of us.
“Let me be clear about something,” Colbert said in the beginning of his segment, “J.J. Abrams and I are good friends. But he has told me nothing. Including what JJ stands for, or his phone number.”
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