WTF, Internet? Obsessing over Edward Snowden’s girlfriend is bad for America

Edward Snowden girlfriend  Lindsay Mills

Something that I would classify as pretttttty damn important happened recently. It was revealed, thanks to a leak, that the NSA has been heavily monitoring our digital communication. It’s a shocking report, and if the PRISM program at the center of it turns out to function like many analysts and pundits assume it does… well, that will have serious consequences not only for consumers like you and me, but to international and federal policy and foreign relations (#sorrynotsorry, China?).

Who brought this massive surveillance network to our attention? Edward Snowden, a contractor who helped build it. Whether you think he’s a savior, a martyr, or an America-hater, his actions will have a significant effect on the future of citizen surveillance, and America’s stature in global politics.

YAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWN!

I’m sorry, did all that national security intrigue and scandal put you to sleep? Is a discussion about the merits, disadvantages, or plausibility of a Big Brother state not interesting you? Is the man who gave up his plush office job in Hawaii to flee to Hong Kong and risk potential jail time in the name of transparency not capturing your attention?

Well then you’re in luck, because Edward Snowden had a really hot girlfriend! And guess what: she Instagrams! #Snowdengirlfriendselfiesforlife!

circle trends
Seriously, what’s happening in the circle is not remotely OK.

I get it, guys. Here we have a Manic Pixie Dream Girl in Lindsay Mills, and sure, there’s some romanticism and mystery wrapped up in the whole she-dated-a-whistleblower-who-fled-the-country-after-leaking-national-secrets plotline. There’s probably a really cool story in there about what living with Snowden was like; and a million times more importantly, what she knew about his life or the lies he told her to cover them up.

But for reals, she posts underwear pictures and she’s a dancer. Let’s all talk a lot about what that one blog post everyone keeps reposting means. (Am I the only one who thinks this reads like bad LiveJournal poetry from middle school? Does she have a Xanga account with glitter GIFs? I bet the inside of her brain straight up looks like a book of Lisa Frank stickers.)

Sorry I got distracted by my own unmitigated sarcasm. I have no beef with Lindsay Mills. (Hey, I had a book of Lisa Frank stickers!) It’s probably very traumatic to have your spy boyfriend up and leave. I mean, we all think those breakups where he/she ignores your texts for a couple weeks are tough… oof. Now this is brutal.

And I get it: When something really complicated and important happens, a lot of people cling to the most personally identifiable thing that has to do with it. This one happens to be a pretty girl who got broken up with (sort of) and gave us plenty of photo insight into her life. 

OK BUT – this is different! I know I can’t make you care about the PRISM leak and what it means, but I think we’ve gone overboard with the distracting side stories, Internet. There are roundups of Lindsay Mills’ digital presence and articles musing about the current state of her fragile mentality. Overnight, the girl’s become an Internet sensation. Her Twitter account is being watched like a hawk. A really sexy hawk. A sexy, pole-dancing, spy-dating hawk.

You know how many people have hot girlfriends? Lots. Do you know how many hot girls get broken up with? SO MANY! Take a trip over to Statigram and check out the #heartbroken hashtag and you will not be disappointed.

Seriously, if you’re rabidly eating up the Lindsay Mills news but haven’t a clue why China hates us when consequences of this leak start getting real, I will have no pity for you, nor will I explain. You should have listened up when you had the chance.

To be fair, you’ll probably know way more about whatever Kim Kardashian is doing that week. And I won’t make you explain it to me either, so I guess we’re even. 

The views expressed here are solely those of the author and do not reflect the beliefs of Digital Trends.

Social Media

Are Facebook, Instagram taking a Labor Day break? Users report downtime globally

Facebook, the world’s number one social media platform, and subsidiary Instagram are apparently taking some holiday breaks on Labor Day. As of this writing, Facebook and Instagram were facing more than 30 minutes of downtime.
Home Theater

What’s new on Amazon Prime Video (October 2018)

Amazon Prime Video adds new titles each month that are available for free to all Prime members. Check out our list to find all the content hitting Amazon Prime Video in September and October 2018, from new comedies to terrifying horror…
Movies & TV

Out of movies to binge? Our staff picks the best flicks on Hulu right now

From classics to blockbusters, Hulu offers some great films to its subscribers. Check out the best movies on Hulu, whether you're into charming adventure tales or gruesome horror stories.
Movies & TV

The best movies on Netflix in September 2018, from 'Spotlight’ to ‘Black Panther’

Save yourself from hours wasted scrolling through Netflix's massive library by checking out our picks for the streamer's best movies available right now, whether you're into explosive action, subdued humor, or anything in between.
Movies & TV

September brings 'The Dragon Prince,' an animated war series, to Netflix

Looking for a new show to binge? Lucky for you, we've curated a list of the best shows on Netflix, whether you're a fan of outlandish anime, dramatic period pieces, or shows that leave you questioning what lies beyond.
Social Media

How to Use Facebook: The unofficial user manual

With more than 2 billion monthly active users, Facebook has become the go-to social network. If you're new to the site, our comprehensive guide will lay out both the network's fundamentals and its more intricate functionality.
Social Media

Instagram said to be prepping a stand-alone shopping app

Instagram is reportedly building a new stand-alone ecommerce app called "IG Shopping." If it launches, IG Shopping would allow 'grammers to browse and purchase a range of products, similar to how they can in the current app.
Photography

Vimeo thinks regular stock video stinks, launches alternative for creatives

When creators told Vimeo existing stock video options weren't enough, the video platform decided to launch its own. Vimeo Stock includes exclusive content, while creators are being promised a higher-than-average cut of the revenue.
Mobile

Snap's Spectacles 2 can take stills and don't mind the rain

Snapchat has announced new styles for its Spectacles camera-equipped sunglasses. Spectacles 2 are able to take still images and are water-resistant. They're available to order now through Snap's website. 
Social Media

Looking to officially rid your inbox of Facebook messages? Here's how

Deleting messages from Facebook Messenger is almost as easy as scrolling through your News Feed. Here, we show you how to delete an entire conversation or a single message, both of which take seconds.
Web

10 viral video celebrities from the past and where they are now

Ever wonder what happened to William Hung after his less-than-stellar American Idol audition? We take a look at 10 of the most popular viral video celebrities and see what they are up to today.
Social Media

As Twitter and Facebook growth slows, Pinterest hits 250 million users

Pinterest is now home to 250 million active users, despite a pattern of slowed growth and even reduced numbers among the latest reports from other networks. Pinterest also now boasts more than 175 billion pins.
Social Media

Facebook expands fact-checking net to try to catch doctored photos and videos

Facebook is now fact-checking images and video along with articles, using third-party organizations. New A.I. helps flag potential fakes for human review, but user flags and comments still help recognize what content might not be accurate.
Social Media

New to Snapchat? Follow our guide and go from newbie to pro

Whether you're a Snapchat addict or a newbie, our detailed Snapchat guide will help you become a pro in no time. Find out how to get started, spice up your snaps, chat, send money, and carry out a host of other useful actions.