WTF, Internet? Sydney Leathers is perhaps the worst source for digital romance advice ever

I think we can all agree that the Anthony Weiner stuff that’s gone down recently is bonkers. The politician’s second fall from grace deserved plenty of attention and scrutiny. Seriously, the guy should’ve stopped short at documenting his online trysts. Right, Carlos Danger?

The lurid tale of Anthony Weiner and his wife Huma is all pretty scandalous stuff, and thankfully is starting to die down – but one thing remains: Sydney Leathers.

Good Lord does this girl have the resolve to cling to 15 minutes of fame no matter how little the general public cares about her. Since being outed (by herself), Leathers has quickly proclaimed herself an authority on “sexting” and “digital hookups.” Seems fair. If there’s anyone qualified to give romantic advice, it definitely seems like this totally normal girl, involved in similar relationships to you and I, who has proven she makes good decisions!

Some of her advice that people have paid her to give and that has been published on real Internet sites also reads like the opposite of everything the movies and television have taught me about pursuing the opposite sex.

There are … a lot of things wrong with this, and I’m fighting the urge to just devolve into half-phrases and keyboard crushing. So I’m just going to bullet point the worst of her digital romance advice.

Sure, this was all originally written to target a politician, but let’s apply it in a larger sense, for fun! And learning!

1. Treat your sexting partner like a middle schooler

“It’s important to pretend like you’re thinking about them 24-7… Basically, pretend like you’re dating the middle school version of yourself.”

So you’re telling me to put on a puka shell necklace and buy him Skittles at lunch… also, via the Internet? I’m so confused.

Also I don’t want to treat anyone like a middle schooler because middle schoolers are the worst and my treatment of them is to walk by them very quickly and avoid eye contact.

2. Ignore your sexting partner

Wait, you just told me to coddle them and text them all the time? But now we’re switching tactics here. “Wait maybe two days before responding.” I’m so confused! Two days or 24-7!?

3. The Facebook ‘poke’ is still a legitimate way of indicating you like someone

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up now. I was under the impression that we as a society decided poking was the absolute worst and that we had killed in somewhere around 2007. According to sextpert Syndney Leathers, boy are we wrong.

“I love that he poked me. When Inside Edition asked me what ‘poking’ was, I told them, ‘Yeah it’s a button on Facebook you push if you want to fuck someone.'”

Um… it is? I need to make a few calls.

The lesson: Definitely poke someone into oblivion if you want them. Seriously, they’re loving it and totally not super annoyed.

4. “Go for someone who you know is tempted by hot chicks online.”

The stupidity of this statement needs no further commentary.

Please, Internet, please – I’m begging you: Can we just let Sydney Leathers sink into oblivion and forget that we ever paid this girl to promote what’s essentially second nature for most people at this point? Don’t worry, we’ll always figure out a way to mix tech and sex in ways we probably shouldn’t be. No help needed, thanks.

Want to pull an @anthonyweiner & flirt w/a ton of hot chicks? Download @ihookupnow on iTunes! Txt,send pics& videos to singles in your area!

— Sydney Leathers (@sydneyelainexo) August 19, 2013

Never change, Syd. Never change.