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WTF, Internet? The cost of a viral Vine is too high

Molly McHugh
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wtf internet vine memes are the stuff of lowest common denominator slap cam

FINE – I’ll admit it! The second Instagram introduced its video feature I was like, “Welp, it’s been fun, Vine, but I’m out!” and deleted that nonsense immediately.

Actually, it hadn’t been fun. I never grasped why it was so interesting to create and watch six second looping videos. Yes, they were GIF-like but they certainly weren’t GIFs, and I didn’t find them an iota as entertaining. Sure, people did some creative things with the app, but people do creative things with apps all the time, and I didn’t find myself interested in scrolling first-hand through the feed to appreciate them myself, like I do with Instagram. That’s your job Internet: Go find the good ones, and tell me about them. Don’t make me do things myself.

So sure, I’m a hater, but at least I’m self-aware. For whatever reason, there was something I just couldn’t put my finger on that made me dislike Vine.

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Well, consider that finger put – because the #SmackCam meme makes it completely clear why the platform turns me off. A brief explanation of the Vine SmackCam viral sensation: Someone, usually a teenage boy or girl (or a member of the St. Louis Rams), creates a Vine of themselves hurtling something into an unassuming person’s face or head. The victim then looks stunned, and sometimes cries. That’s the entirety of it.

It probably started out as a joke; maybe no one was even hurt. Maybe both people thought it was funny. Clearly, things have escalated. SmackCam complication videos have gone viral: In addition to individual Vines receiving tons of likes, YouTube video round ups have gotten hundreds of thousands of views. 

There is demand for the SmackCam – but it’s lowest common denominator stuff. It’s just hurting people – or joking about hurting people – and then … finding it funny? Some of these videos easily border on assault and there have been warnings that people interested in being a part of the fad need to be sure not to take things to that level (because we all know people who want things to viral have an amazing amount of self restraint!). Please don’t make me be the old person here, guys, but seriously – someone is really going to get hurt. 

It totally exemplifies why I never liked Vine: All the “popular,” “viral,” content and memes coming out of the platform seemed stupid, or even mildly horrible. Seriously, I just have no need for: Videos of twerking, videos of pets twerking, videos of what you’re watching on TV, or what you’re drooling (seriously, it’s the #everybodyspurts meme).

Vine seems like it was eaten up by these “too cool for school” type of social media users. The ones that use hashtags ironically and disdainfully say “Ooooooh you still use Facebook?” but then go and make a Vine where they do a voice over for an episode of “Spongebob Squarepants.” It was this weird, self-referential, social media-mocking type of humor that I’m supposed to pretend like I get and find funny because it makes me more interesting.

Well, the jig is up. You win. I don’t get it, I’m not cool, I don’t think hitting people is funny. I’m going to go send my sister a Facebook message about that dancing raccoon video making the rounds. Maybe a “Mad Men” GIF to boot. Sorry I’m not trendy and challenging pop culture like all you SmackCammers out there. Keep it up though, because if the world needed something, it was six, never-ending, looped seconds of you smashing someone’s head with a gallon of milk. And a cat doing this.

I’m sorry. You probably won’t ever be able to unsee that. 

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Sometime within the last two weeks, you probably saw a glorious video making the Internet rounds.

That's right, the duo we've come to collectively know as Kimye (or Kim Kardashian and Kanye West if you're over the age of 21/don't watch a lot of reality television/have a healthy amount of self respect) has finally gotten engaged!

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WTF, Internet? Keep your hashtags out of my real-life conversation
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There’s a lot of overlap between our social lives and social media. It’s only natural: When you spend much time sitting at a computer or staring at a smartphone, there’s bound to be plenty of experiences that sort of blend between the real world and the virtual one.
And that’s okay – usually. I’ll tell you what’s not okay: Saying “hashtag” out loud.
This horrible phenomenon took root within the last couple of years, and it only seems to be getting worse. Case in point: JC Penney.
I’ve got no beef with JCP. It’s a perfectly respectable store that I have some fond childhood memories of as one of the few “regular” shops we went to for back-to-school shopping that carried uniform-friendly clothes. It’s not particularly flashy or hip, but that’s fine. They make clothes, they sell clothes.
There’s something to be said for that, because the last thing this world needs is another brand screaming “Look! We’re trendy! We’re with it!” at the top of their lungs, competing with weird, irrelevant Twitter campaigns or creeptastic Facebook ads.
But alas, JCPenney has succumbed. The store recently gave customers $10 to $25 off their purchases if they say the word “hashtag” at check out.  It was announced via this abomination.

#Tomorrow #is #HashtagDay #at #jcp #Say #HashtagOffer #AtCheckout #ForA #10off25 #Offer #DetailsAndExclusionsInStore #ThatsHowWeDo
— JCPenney (@jcpenney) October 1, 2013

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WTF, Internet? We don’t need B.S. surveys to typecast women as Facebook-obsessed divas
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The last time I tried to write an article that made a fairly agreed-upon, tongue-in-cheek assessment about some of the problems with how we portray and regard “women in tech,” this happened. So trust me when I say this is not something I enjoy talking about. It’s like all the Internet’s jerks are hibernating in their Gollum caves, and then an alarm sounds that some woman, somewhere, has published the words “women in tech,” and they come barreling out of their hovels, heading for the comment section without a backward glance.
But apparently I’m going to do it anyway, so let’s just get it all out there right now: Yep, I’ve got lady parts, you may or may not, and you hate me and everything I’m about to say. Also, I definitely just want to get married and have babies and buy shoes. You nailed it! You got me!
Why did no one talk to any dudes? Do men not need closet space?!
Moving on: Apparently a recent survey done by U.K. furniture retailer Sharps Bedroom found that because of Facebook and Instagram photos, women feel the need to constantly update their wardrobes. Even soon after buying new clothes, we feel they are old, because of sites like Facebook and Instagram.
This Daily Mail article about this is the only source of information because Sharps Bedroom (a totally legit survey source, for sure) simply has a blog post about how the findings of this survey mean you need more storage space. The link to the “recent survey” just loops you back to the Daily Mail article. Which really nails it with the intro:
“As many men are well aware, women need little encouragement to shop for new clothes.”
Come on, nameless Daily Mail Reporter, pull us into the bigotry. Don’t lead with it!
It goes on to explain that “thanks to the masses of photographs posted on sites such as Facebook and Instagram, many women deem their clothes old soon after buying them.”
Now for the question portion of our evening.
Question 1: This “on sites such as Facebook and Instagram” is a little confusing – do you just mean posted on any social media site? Or the Internet? Just that seeing clothes online at all in almost any capacity makes women go all googly-eyed and start hitting up Amazon like there’s no tomorrow? Once again, I would seriously love to see the actual survey and find out what in God’s name you’re getting at here. Does this have to do with the influx of clothing-related photos being posted to social sites, the general increase in this content on the Internet as a whole, or perhaps the very visual social campaigns that brands are running? Would love some answers.
Question 2: What exactly is it about social networks that make us go buy new clothes? Is it that we’re inspired by seeing other users’ styles or that once we show up online in an outfit, we don’t want to repeat it?
Question 3: Um, did you guys even ask any men to participate in this survey?
Because I did! And guess what – their answers sound a lot like the answers of the women I asked. Basically both sexes admitted that yes, photos of them on Facebook and Instagram make them more conscious of what they wear; i.e., if you wore outfit one to a party last weekend where a lot of photos were taken and shared, you probably won’t wear the same thing. However, most people (people) agreed that “the masses of photographs posted on sites such as Facebook and Instagram” weren’t the largest motivators to shop.
… But even if they were, why did no one talk to any dudes? Do men not need closet space?! To suggest men don’t need closet space is just downright offensive. That is the biggest tragedy here.
I guess no one thought about the fact that men are actually more engaged social shoppers as well as motivational and impulsive shoppers. Maybe because of these things, they're also highly influenced or motivated by “the masses of photographs posed on sites such as Facebook and Instagram” (I’m sorry I keep repeating this phrase, it’s just too wonderfully vague, meaningless, and undefined to let go of) to go buy clothes. 
This has been my long-winded way of calling these two publishers out – and B.S. surveys everywhere.
Sure, generally speaking, women buy more clothes, and according to pop culture, we like to go to malls and carry as many bags as can possibly fit on our arms. But to try and make this “SEEING PRETTY PICTURES ON THE INTERNET MAKES LADIES EMPTY THEIR PURSES” statement (and backing it up with said possibly non-existent survey) is pretty irresponsible. It’s just adding fuel to an already unstoppable fire of misogyny.
With that, I will leave you to it, commenters. I know you've got a lot of work to do.

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