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Overly litigious society reaches its climax as man sues Apple for porn addiction

Lawyer Sues Apple for Porn
Image used with permission by copyright holder

Chris Sevier, a 36 year-old man, is suing Apple for failing to warn him that the internet is filled with porn. See, after Chris unpacked and plugged-in his bright, new, shiny computer-device-thingamajig from the mall, he tried to visit Facebook.com, pressed a few wrong keys, and whoops, ended up at Fuckbook.com. Common mistake. Happens all the time. Each time I try to visit my keyboard turns into a treacherous obstacle course worthy of a game show. But just for a second, imagine Chris’ surprise when his innocent, virginal eyes found in place of the photos of filet mignon and selfies he was expecting, he was faced with images of breasts, vajayjays, and a whole new world of self… discovery. See, poor Chris didn’t know that the entire internet is for porn. Chris is after all… well, what’s the opposite of an Apple Genius?

I know what you’re saying. Sounds fishy. How could this guy really not know that porn is readily available at nearly every stop along the information super highway? That’s impossible. Does this guy live under a rock or something? Close, Tennessee

Xvideos.com, a site that I’ve never heard of as far as you know, receives 4.4 billion page views per month, 3X more than CNN or ESPN. Well, Wolf my Blitzer!

Well, you can figure out where the story goes from there – boy meets self, boy and self fall deeply in love, boy and self develop large hand calluses. It’s like every Nora Ephron movie ever made, am I right? Actually, Chris became so enamored with the lovely ladies of the net that he lost interest in his wife. She left him and now Chris can’t work… ‘cause that would be… wait, why can’t he work again? Oh right. He’s dumb.

But where others might see an opportunist using our judicial system as his personal playground, jerking the system around in order to pull off an unlikely cash load from a major corporation, rubbing many people the wrong way in the process, I see a hero.

This man is the Rosa Parks of internet porn, people. This man saw that his rights were being infringed upon and said, “No, I’m not to blame. Not me. I can’t control my own behavior.” And I applaud him for it. After all, just because you have an unquenchable thirst for self-pleasure doesn’t mean you have to also believe in self-responsibility. I mean, the last I checked this was still America! For the first time in his life, Chris is actually performing a selfless act, as he puts himself out there, willing to take an unbearable amount of shit from anyone that knows him for the rest of his life, just so you won’t have to!

I know. I don’t buy it either. The guy’s an idiot. Why would he drag Apple into his perverted little world? What does that company have to do with his insatiable desire for Rosey Palm and the Five Fingers? Nothing to any sane person, obviously. Blaming Apple for this guy’s inability to temper his self-love is like blaming Chevrolet for traffic.

Chris Sevier vs. Apple LawsuitSpeaking of traffic, according to DigitalJournal, 30% of all internet traffic is porn related. ExtremeTech reports that porn sites dominate the top 500 sites on the internet, and the top porn site, Xvideos.com, a site that I’ve never heard of as far as you know, receives 4.4 billion page views per month, 3x more than CNN or ESPN. Well, Wolf my Blitzer!

Another one of the big differences between porn and non-porn sites, besides the obvious, is the average duration of a user’s visit. For the top news sites, an average visit is between three to six minutes. On Xvideos.com, the average user time spent on the site is about 20 minutes, but a lot of that is just clean up.

As ExtremeTech reports, “In short, porn sites cope with astronomical amounts of data. The only sites that really come close in term of raw bandwidth are YouTube or Hulu, but even then YouPorn is something like six times larger than Hulu.” They sure do give good data, huh?

But porn isn’t just an online experience. Humans have been flogging the dolphin since the dawn of time. When’s the last time you looked at a hieroglyph, huh? Some of them are so trashy they make this guy blush. We’re animals. We’ll do it anytime, anywhere. Just ask the passengers on this guy’s bus entering New York. Apparently, something about entering the Lincoln Tunnel turned him on. Next stop, Yankee Stadium!

Peter Soldinger
Former Digital Trends Contributor
Peter Soldinger is a Los Angeles-based screenwriter for film and television with a passion for sports and a contentious…
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