Dear Apple: Spare us the back patting and show us something awesome at WWDC

Apple’s Worldwide Developer Conference is upon us, including its highly anticipated keynote speech, which will be given today. Sadly, and for the first time in recent memory, I don’t care. Not even a tiny bit.

What was once the shining jewel in Apple’s annual event calendar is now nothing more than a half-hearted, heart-breaking tease. Yes, it’s an Apple event, so there’s always a buzz about it, but ever since it stopped bringing the iPhone along, WWDC’s keynote has become a slow, two-hour slog filled with tedious stats, a few in-jokes, and software that isn’t available yet.

So here’s an idea, Apple: If you’re so keen on demonstrating products we can’t get our hands on, how about spending some time on the iPhone 6? I mean, come on. We all know its coming, and thanks to the massive amount of leaked information already available, we’ve got a pretty good idea of what it’s all about, too. How about it, Mr. Cook? Instead of another generic, self-congratulatory video about pretty people using Apple products, why don’t you whip out an early prototype of the iPhone 6, project some specs up on the screen, and say something like “September is going to be awesome!”

If you’re going to tease us, Tim, do it properly

Absolutely nothing could match the response of seeing the iPhone 6, or anything unexpected at all, during the keynote. “But the iPhone is not ready yet,” the men in white coats cowering behind Jony Ive may whine. Sorry, but there has to be a render of one kicking around. Get that up on the screen. I’d rather see that than yet another massive check made out to the developers.

There was once a time when we genuinely had no idea what to expect from Apple or its events.

I don’t want to hear excuses either. No render? Then give one of the mock-ups a lick of paint, and use that. We’ve seen them plenty of times already, but for one to actually be produced on stage during the keynote is the stuff legends are made of. Want something more “Apple-ish?” I’ll compromise. How about a video describing its no-doubt complex development so far. Get serious Jony Ive to narrate it, use all your favorite buzzwords, throw in a reference to Steve Jobs, and the crowd would go wild.

A dentist’s waiting room, time spent in the company of people who willingly describe themselves as “wacky,” and being prepped for unnecessary surgery: all of these are more appealing than watching another dreadful, predictable WWDC keynote.

We’re all getting bored of you, Apple

It’s not just me who thinks this either. Type “Apple is…” in to Google, and “getting boring” is the second prediction. However, I don’t think the hardware is boring. It’s the company. The spark hasn’t just gone out, it has been stamped on, doused in water, and buried under three tons of unsold Windows Phones.

There was once a time when we genuinely had no idea what to expect from Apple or its events. They were like the perfect Christmas morning, where the contents of the brightly wrapped presents were a total mystery. Now, it’s a Christmas morning after you’d spent two weeks searching for your presents before they were wrapped, and all the boxes look very familiar. I love a good tease, Tim, but you’re not following through. Your coyness is irritating, and my eyes are wandering.

You’re losing out to Android

I never thought I’d say the words, but this year, LG is a more exciting, more interesting company than Apple. In 2011, I wouldn’t have been able to keep a straight face if I’d have uttered that. It would be like saying Venkman isn’t the best Ghostbuster, or that not knowing how to drive a manual transmission car is a perfectly fine way to live your life.

The thing is, we know almost everything about the G3 smartphone, but I’m still excited about the launch event and trying the phone out. My anticipation hasn’t been spoiled by all this pre-announcement attention, and that’s a credit to LG and how cool the phone is looking.

Revealing something about a future product isn’t the worst thing in the world, Apple. It doesn’t have to be a regular thing. In fact, after this year, it would be better if it never happened again. Unpredictability was part of your appeal.

The rumors are running wild, and the magic has gone

Our rumor roundup article about the iPhone 6 already runs to a sprawling 2,000-plus words, and we’re still months away from launch. By the time it comes around, there’s every possibility it’ll have tripled in size, and I don’t relish the thought of creating an article that would, if it was printed, blot out the sun. But your insistence on keeping the iPhone 6 under wraps is forcing my hand. There was a time when Apple could hold back, but it has passed. Give it up, and just be thankful you’re in control this time around.

WWDC, and Apple, needs some razzmatazz, something extravagant, elaborate, and completely unexpected to happen.

I know, deep down, showing off the iPhone 6 early will never happen. But that doesn’t stop me missing the old Apple magic. The events (and the company itself, really) used to be about style, finesse, and raising the game. Playing the theme to The Spy Who Loved Me always seemed appropriate before a keynote, but now the crap one from Quantum of Solace, which contained no memorable lyrics or chorus, is more fitting.

Just show us the damn phone, Tim. WWDC, and Apple, needs some razzmatazz, something extravagant, elaborate, and completely unexpected to happen. We want a song and a dance, and be entertained. It should be like the end of the Muppet Show, just don’t invite Coldplay along. Make WWDC 2014 the most memorable yet by going against every one of your instincts.

You don’t have to launch a new iPhone, just do something out of the ordinary. You know, think different.