Much like writing a sonnet or staring vacantly at a sunset, building a 50 Shades of Grey-inspired sex dungeon is a subtle and beautiful art that must be treated with respect. It goes without saying that you need to open a bottle of wine and start drinking while simultaneously stuffing your face full of Valentine’s Day chocolates. The only acceptable beverage is E.L. James’s very own Red Silk, and we suggest you keep sipping until you reach the point where building a sex dungeon seems like it’s a totally reasonable way to spend Valentine’s Day. Here is what you need. Please pay attention because this is extremely important information.
1. Location, Location, Location
The best place to set up your sex dungeon is an actual dungeon. But if for some reason you don’t live in a castle, you can go ahead and use any of the following locations for your very own “red room”: your creepy basement, a walk-in closet, or a garage. However, in the interest of not traumatizing your neighbors, we implore you to soundproof the walls.
2. Lots of Red Velvet and Leather
Look, it isn’t called the red room for nothing. Anything other than red would be total amature hour. Of course, buying enough velvet and leather to cover an entire room can get pretty expensive, so we suggest that you either a. drain your bank account immediately and wander over to your local S&M-themed fabric store (those exist, right?) or b. just cover the walls of your room with some red construction paper and maybe fashion a few throw pillows out of some leftover pleather pants from 1995. Alternatively, you can just install some color-changing light bulbs and cast a red glow on your ordinary furniture.
3. Buy Rope
It goes without saying that you need rope; how else are you going to tie people up in your sex room? Don’t be crazy. Any type of cheap rope from the hardware store will do, but clearly you will need to slave for hours in the hot sun dying your rope red with beets. It will be worth it once the coarse fibers burn your skin in a tantalizing mix of both pleasure and pain. Or something. When it comes to hanging the rope, feel free to just tie it to every available object in the room. A rope-a-palooza, if you will.
4. Find a Lawyer
If you’re new to all this and go around saying things like, “Hey, want to come hang out with my in my sex dungeon?” you should probably be prepared for some repercussions. Which is why a lawyer is always handy. In fact, you can pull a Christian Grey and have him draw up a contract for your guests to sign. It might feel weird to pull out paperwork on your first date, but you can always amend your OKCupid profile to say, “Caution: Will ask you to sign long sex contract upon meeting you” and that should clear up any confusion.
5. Sex Toys
What would the red room be without its plethora of sex toys? From finely made leather whips to paddles to handcuffs to masks, the possibilities are endless. Be sure to invest in high-quality products from a reputable source. Also, crossing a pair of skis on the wall as a makeshift X-shaped restraint is a great idea. Just make sure to remember your safety word at all times. Favorites include: fifty, shades, of, and gray.
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