A lot of work goes into manufacturing a car. The entire process can take months if not years to complete and getting an idea down on paper, into the factory, and out on the show floor is anything but easy. Of course while developing a car from the ground up is a lengthy and challenging endeavor — as these cars prove — it’s not always the hardest part. Sometimes something as simple as deciding what to name it becomes the most trying challenge. It was the great William Shakespeare who asked “what’s in a name?”, and we’re here to answer: Everything.
Here is our list of the top 10 cars (in no particular order) that failed to impress by virtue of their abysmal monikers alone. Check them out for yourself — and be sure to add any you feel deserve a dishonorable mention in the comments section below.
Studebaker Dictator
The Dictator began its automotive life as the Standard Six, and should have remained so had Studebaker not gone about the business of renaming its vehicles in the mid-1920s. Much to the company’s dismay this was also around the time a little trouble began brewing in Europe and some rather pesky fellows by the name of Hitler and Mussolini started giving dictator’s across the globe a bad name. Needless to say Studebaker wisely changed the name to the less freedom stealing, Director.
Isuzu Mysterious Utility Wizard
Oh Japan how we adore thee. And not because of the impressive automobiles, androgynous, spiky-haired protagonists, and delicious cuisine you’ve gifted us, but because of your uncanny ability to toy with the English language in ways native speakers could only dream of doing. Can you crack the enigma that is the Isuzu Mysterious Utility Wizard? Neither can we. The only mystery here is why anyone at Isuzu allowed for the name in the first place, especially when the Rodeo and Amigo moniker worked so much better.
Pontiac Parisienne
Want to know what a Parisienne is? We did too. So we asked a friend by the name of Google and they told us it translates to a “French woman from Paris.” Imagine that. Now to be fair the Parisienne spent most of its days bustling about the Canadian roadways, where French is widely spoken and a name like Parisienne could be appreciated. But Pontiac, in its infinite wisdom, decided it would bring it south of the border where people apparently yearned to drive around a big, slovenly rear-wheel drive sedan. No thanks. We’d rather not be seen near this French woman from Paris.
Nissan Homy Super Long
On top of being mildly offensive, the Nissan Homy Super Long has the distinction of being childishly hilarious. While the mere utterance of “super long” is enough to evoke a mild schoolyard giggle, the hilarity is only exacerbated once you realize that the “m” looks strikingly close to “rn” and well, you see where we’re going with this.
Ford Probe
All we can say is: Seriously, Ford? This is the best you could come up with? On top of its emotionless design the real travesty here, besides the tailpipe-puckering name, is that Ford actually considered the Probe to be the successor the legendary Mustang. Thankfully that never came to pass and Ford Probe met its maker in 1997.
Ford Escort
Sure we could take the mature route and figure that the good folks at Ford named its compact car after a whole host of things, like a police escort, a safety escort, or even a WWII fighter aircraft. Instead, we can’t help but associate it with a less than savory service for lonely gentlemen. Either way, Ford – a terrible name that rightly takes its place on our list.
Hummer
Don’t get why the Hummer is terrible name for a car? Ask President Clinton.
Mazda Scrum Wagon
“Why oh why?” is the question we ask ourselves when gazing upon the Mazda Scrum Wagon. We don’t really know where to begin. We know ‘scrum’ is a rugby term (thanks random British guy in our office) but we don’t care. That’s because scrum just sounds like a double entendre to us, which begs the question: Would you want to take a ride in our Scrum Wagon? We didn’t think so.
Datsun Fairlady
The Datsun Fairlady occupies a strange space in our automotive hearts. On the one hand we commend its sleek and classic design; on the other we condemn its show-tunes inspired moniker. And to answer your question, yes, the Datsun Fairlady was named after the hit Broadway musical “My Fair Lady.” Why? Well, we doubt even the folks at Nissan would be able to answer that.
Audi E-tron Concept
Most of the cars on our list are not only abominations because of their names, but just terrible looking cars all around. Not so with the Audi E-tron. Still, when developing a car that’s as cutting edge and wallet sapping as this electric supercar we can’t help but think a more extensive vetting process would have behooved the suits over at Audi. That’s because Étron roughly means “a lump of excrement,” according to our French translator, of which the car does not resemble its namesake in the slightest.
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