Like communism and amusement parks, car sex is usually better in theory than it is in practice. Sure, some vehicles are better than others for doing the deed, but for the most part, our daily drivers are too cramped, too awkward, and too public for a successful rendezvous. At best, they should be used as a last resort.
We’re certainly not here to bash on anyone’s personal choices, but we are here to provide a service. If you’re going to get down in a car, do it right. In no particular order, these are the worst choices for automotive sexy time.
P.S. Thanks to the Digital Trends staff for the oddly specific (and extremely personal) suggestions.
Peel P50
If you’re looking for something with less space than an airplane bathroom and none of the amenities, you’ll love the Peel P50. The smallest production car ever made, the one-seat, one-door coupe (yes, one door) is a bad choice for Valentine’s Day for its compact dimensions alone, but its complete lack of sex appeal will also get you laughed out of the most eccentric dogging circles.
During its initial production run in the 1960s, the P50 was advertised as having room for “one adult and a shopping bag,” which doesn’t exactly leave a lot of room for extracurricular activities. However, the vehicle’s puny profile would be easy to hide if you can’t help yourself, and it’d make for a great story to tell over drinks later.
1992 – 1995 Dodge Viper
Who here likes third-degree burns with their sex? Nobody? Yeah, didn’t think so.
The Dodge Viper earns its spot on our list for several reasons — a cramped cabin and harsh ride among them — but we’ve singled out the Phase 1 version for its infamous exhaust system. In an effort to give the coupe a brutish performance car attitude, Dodge routed the exhaust pipes along the sides of the car, which were known to get very hot and burn the calves of its occupants as they exited. Unless you have a very specific fetish, you may want to spring for the Phase II Viper, which had a more conventional muffler at the rear. Think of it as a good place to start a discussion with your date about how “exhaust ports” can be… used differently.
Reliant Robin
Safe sex is important, but for this one, you may want protection on both of your heads. A car should be relatively stable if you’re going to fornicate inside of it, and given the Reliant Robin’s tendency to fall over during any sort of cornering, the vehicle’s tipsy persuasions mean it’s probably not the best choice for a Valentine’s Day romp. There is a van version of the three-wheeler, though, if you’re into that sort of thing.
P45 from Top Gear
Thought the Peel P50 was the smallest car in the world? You’re right (according to Guinness), but only for production vehicles. Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson took the P50’s title as a challenge, so during Series 19 of the show, he built an even smaller vehicle called the P45. Based on a quad bike, the P45’s features minimal bodywork designed to wrap around to driver, making it easy to maneuver, but absolutely terrifying to drive in traffic. Heck, you’d have a difficult time getting sexy with yourself in this thing, much less another person.
Any Popemobile
Hey now, get your mind out of the gutter. We’re saying don’t have sex in the back of Popemobile. You know, out of respect. Who’d disagree with that?
In all seriousness, a Popemobile is a bad choice here because nearly all of them feature a transparent glass canopy for presentation purposes, which would put your mating display out there for everyone to see. They’re also constantly flanked by security teams, who would put a stop to your hanky-panky quicker than you can say “Vatican City.” Read more here.