This new Android is a KitKat-astrophy (for our health)

android kitkat is making me fat kit kat shoulder green

Google is making me fat.

After years of playfully referencing snacks and desserts like Gingerbread, Honeycomb, and Jelly Beans in the name of its Android OS, Google is getting serious about snacking. To promote the release of the new Nexus 5, it’s partnered with a major snack corporation to destroy every tech lover’s waistline. Under the terms of a private deal, Nestle is slapping Android mascots on all of its KitKat candy bars and Google is putting KitKat logos everywhere. It’s built giant KitKat statues, and will give Nexus 7 tablets and other Googley gifts away, Willy Wonka style, to people who buy specially marked KitKats in stores around the world. The plan to make money at the expense of our collective health is in motion, and it’s already working.

The first update to Android KitKat should be called Android KitKat Type 2.

As the editor of DT’s Mobile section, I’m the equivalent of the canary in a coal mine. I read and experience tech trends far sooner than your average ‘bro.’ I report Android KitKat rumors, update KitKat roundups, talk about KitKat, think about KitKat, and learn new things about KitKat on a daily basis. There’s no avoiding it. I am living in a world where I constantly see the word KitKat.

The problem is, I love KitKats – a lot. As a rule, if you offer me a KitKat, I will take it. I don’t think I’m the only one, either. (They’re so damn delicious.) Thanks to all this nonsense, and an apparent lack of self control, I’ve eaten more of them in the last two months than I have in the last two years – many times more. Lately, I sometimes fall into a daze. I think about opening up the shiny red foil slowly – gently tearing at its seams, exposing the bars’ chocolatey smooth underside; I imagine the satisfying snap each bar makes as I break it off, and the soft crunch of the chocolate covered wafers as I devour it. It’s downright pornographic, and I know it’s wrong, but I can’t stop.

KitKats can be stored anywhere, come cheap, and are addictive as hell. Every KitKat is like four victories wrapped in one; you eat a bar, and get to look down in delight and experience chocolatey, wafery bliss three more times.

Android Versions

I’m not a person who snacks on sugary treats a lot – or I wasn’t, at least – but my desire for KitKats has gotten so bad that the urge to take a ‘break’ extends to other snacks, too. Earlier today, I pounded a handful of Oreos (I’m not looking forward to Android Oreo, the first operating system more addictive than cocaine.) At this rate, I’m not going to be able to enter the kitchen without chugging a bowl of sugar and finishing it off with a glass of self loathing.

It’s like Google and Nestle embarked on a coordinated mission to give me diabetes.

I’ve eaten more KitKats in the last two weeks than I have in the last two years.

Nestle is rolling out an entire ad campaign encouraging you to buy Android-branded KitKats. Android KitKat stories are already beginning to flood the news, too. You’re going see fresh stories about Android KitKat for a year. Every phone review or mobile article you read is going to mention KitKat, and phones, tablets, smartwatches, eyewear, and ebook readers will run Android KitKat for the next three years. The subliminal messaging is going to sink in. You’re going to want KitKats, and Nestle’s sales will go through the roof.

This is just the beginning. A precedent has been set. Corporate snack foods are now part of the Android world now. In the next couple years we’ll probably see Android ‘Little Debbie,’ Android M&Ms, and Android Nutella fatten us up before the inevitable Android Oreo finally clogs our last good artery with its drug-like powers of seduction. There are 15 letters left in the alphabet and by the end of it, the entire tech world is going to be disastrously unhealthy.

Did Google consider the ramifications of its actions? Every mention of Android now promotes a candy bar that already has with a worldwide advertising budget in the millions. What’s next? KitKat kiosks at your local cell phone retailers? Will Google add a candy bar section to the Google Play Store? Maybe it could give away free glucose meters with every new Android phone? The first update to Android KitKat should be called Android KitKat Type 2. Who wouldn’t upgrade to that?

How many of us geeks must be plunged into the depths of obesity before Google stops this madness and moves to a fruit or vegetable naming scheme? This Android KitKatastrophe must stop! Instead of KitKat, we need Android Kale. Trust me. Your pancreas will thank me later.


The Tacs Nato-Lens is a watch for those who live life through a camera lens

Not all watches have to be round, or connect to your phone. The Tacs Nato-Lens is a stylish piece of wristwear with a design inspired by classic SLR cameras, making it a geeky timepiece for the camera and watch fan.

24 must-have apps for rooted Android phones and tablets

Rooting your Android device opens up a world of possibilities, along with a few apps. Here are 24 of our favorites, so you can make the most of your rooted device and unleash the true power of Android.

Google Fi: Phones, plans, pricing, perks, and more explained

Google's wireless service, formerly Project Fi, now goes by the name of Google Fi, and it's now compatible with a majority of Android phones, as well as iPhones. Here's everything you need to know about Google Fi.

Rooting your Android device is risky. Do it right with our handy guide

Wondering whether to root your Android smartphone or stick with stock Android? Perhaps you’ve decided to do it and you just need to know how? Here, you'll find an explanation and a quick guide on how to root Android devices.

Google's midrange Pixels might be called the Pixel 3a and Pixel 3a XL

The Google Pixel 3 and Pixel 3 XL are considered to be two of the best Android smartphones, but it looks like Google could be prepping a midrange line. Say hello to the Pixel 3a and Pixel 3a XL.

This is the easiest way to save your iPhone data to your computer

Living in fear of losing your contacts, photos, messages, and notes on your iPhone? Fear no more -- in this guide, we'll break down exactly how to back up your iPhone to your computer using Apple's iTunes or to the cloud with iCloud.
Product Review

The new iPad Mini isn’t a beauty, but it performs like a beast

Apple’s new iPad Mini has beastly performance, fluid iOS 12 software, and good battery life. It also looks like it came straight out of 2015, because the design hasn’t been changed. Here's our review of Apple’s 7.9-inch tablet.

HMD Global admits Nokia 7 Plus handsets sent user data to China

Nokia could be in some hot water. According to recent reports, Nokia 7 models may be secretly sending data to China without the user knowing about it. Nokia says that the issue was a software bug and that it has been fixed.

Here are the best iPad Pro keyboard cases to pick up with your new tablet

The iPad Pro range can double as laptops, but they do need proper keyboards to fill in effectively. Thankfully, there are loads to choose from and we rounded up the best iPad Pro keyboard cases right here.

Wring the most out of iOS with the best commands for Siri

You may not know all the things you can say to Siri -- after all, Apple never released an official list of commands for its virtual assistant. Thankfully, we've compiled a list of the best Siri commands to help you out.

Breeze through security with these checkpoint-friendly laptop bags

Getting through airport security is a drag, but your laptop bag shouldn’t be. Thankfully, these checkpoint-friendly laptop bags will get you and your gear to your destination with ease.

Flex your thumbs (and your brain) with these fun texting games

Gaming consoles keep getting more advanced, but you can still have fun with the good old Latin alphabet. Here are our picks for the best texting games, so you can make the most fun out of that limited data plan or basic cell phone.

Alpina makes its AlpinerX smartwatch even more attractive with new colors

Alpina has introduced four new colors to its AlpinerX smartwatch range, breaking the usually sporty watch out into a more everyday casual design, and given the tech a slight makeover too.

New gold finish makes Frederique Constant’s hybrid smartwatch flashier than ever

Frederique Constant has found considerable success with its luxury hybrid smartwatch, the Hybrid Manufacture, and has launched several new color schemes to help bring it even more attention.