Oliver’s rant highlighted some of the international soccer federation’s more questionable decisions and actions, including Blatter’s recommendation to make women’s shorts tighter to appeal to more fans, as well as FIFA’s choice of Qatar as the host of the 2022 World Cup. Oliver, alluding to reports of thousands of migrant workers dying in World Cup-related construction in Qatar, joked that weather services should start issuing FIFA warnings. The late night show host also encouraged the US government’s attempts to indict Blatter — in spite of the fact that he didn’t realize they even cared about the sport.
If Blatter is not indicted, “the last hope to get rid of him is in the hands of the only group even more powerful than world government,” said Oliver. That group is none other than FIFA’s sponsors. In an attempt to motivate them, he offered up a desperate yet entertaining bargain:
“Please, make Sepp Blatter go away. I will do anything. Adidas, I will wear one of your ugly shoes that make me look like the Greek god of aspiring DJs. McDonalds, I will take a bite out of every item on your dollar menu, which tastes like normal food that was cursed by a vindictive wizard. And I will even make the ultimate sacrifice: Budweiser, if you pull your support and help get rid of Blatter, I will put my mouth where my mouth is, and I will personally drink one of your disgusting items. I’m serious. It can be a Bud Light. I will even drink a Bud Light Lime, despite the fact that all the lime in the world cannot disguise the fact that this tastes like a puddle beneath a Long John Silver’s dumpster.”
However radical, the sacrifice Oliver described would be worth every sip to him. He’s so desperate to see Blatter removed that he believes it would make Bud Light Lime “taste like f*cking champagne.” If it comes down to him having to follow through with this, we hope he puts it on his show.
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