Worst app of the week: iFart Mobile makes flatulence cost you

iFart Mobile

We can all pretend that we’re sophisticated people with refined taste and a high brow sense of humor but let’s face it: there is just something undeniably funny about a well timed fart. It’s a totally natural occurrence that often happens with little say from the body it comes out of. But it makes a funny sound and we’re told that we should be embarrassed by it so how does one not laugh when a big of gas squeaks out? What is considerably less funny is excessive fart noises. Repetition is a powerful tool in comedy. It is an equally powerful tool in annoyance. While a single fart has the highest comedic value, iFart Mobile takes the diminishing returns of each subsequent fart and charges you for it.

iFart2We have all heard people refer to different sounding farts in different ways. There is an entire website dedicated to the different types of farts there are (the site is presented by Dumb.com, which is probably worth noting). This concept, that gas sounds different coming out of people’s body and those noises are always funny, is the premise behind iFart Mobile. But it’s not the only fart machine-style app around, so how do you know if iFart Mobile is the right fart app for you? Perhaps you’ve run out of Larry the Cable Guy stand up specials to watch and you need to give yourself a quick laugh. Or maybe you’re out with friends and you think to yourself, “These people respect me way too much.” You are right within the iFart Mobile demographic.

It has the market on genre-specific farts cornered. No one produces flatulent noises quite like the professional wind-breaking composers on iFart Mobile’s team. Thanks to these uniquely skilled gastrointestinal experts, iFart Mobile can charge a premium for it’s content. It knows its customers won’t be satisfied with just the 30 fart sounds – because how could you? – that come included with your original $1 purchase. No, you’ll be so hooked by the finely tuned toots like “Laundry Day” or “Brown Mosquito” that you’ll just have to get the add-ons as well. There’s the food related ones, which are pretty much as you’d expect, but how about the Movie Fart Pack? How have you lived your entire life thus far without hearing the stylized gas tones like “Fart Trek,” “Harry Pooter,” or “Good Will Grunting” (Which, we assume, farts the answer to math equations?). If you want to know for sure, though, you’ll have to pay another $1 for sounds that are usually free. If you’re still left wanting more, you can record your own farts, a feature responsible for creating the saddest Friday night you can imagine.

iFariFart Mobile is a silent-but-deadly app that wants to be heard. That’s why it’s branched out its feature list to let you add farts to almost every part of your day. Need an alarm to wake up in the morning? There’s no better way to wake up than to a sound that makes you think there is a human bottom right in your face. Better yet, maybe you want a flatulance sound to go off if someone steals your mobile device? No person would be brave enough to jack a gassy iPhone.

You can even set up timed gas noises for when you know, say, thirty seconds from now, you’re definitely going to need a faux fart. And there’s no real point to a fart with no extra ears to hear it, so send some social farts to your friends. And when all of your friends start blocking you, you can hop on the Farting Social Network in iFart Mobile and talk to people with existences just as sad as your own.

Farts are a cheap form of entertainment in two ways: they’re an easy joke that plays upon our inherit enjoyment in bodily functions, and secondly, farts are entirely free. iFart Mobile takes away both of those positive qualities by removing the shame that comes with unwanted gas and by adding a price tag to the sounds.

Do yourself a favor: Take the $3 you would have to blow to get this app and instead head down to your local Mexican restaurant. Get yourself a nice burrito. An hour later, you won’t need an app to fart for you.

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