What I want to see from Apple on September 12: Absolutely nothing

tim cook no apple september 12 announcement iphone 5Full Coverage From Apple's 9/12 iPhone 5 Launch EventLess than a week from today, Apple Chief Executive Tim Cook will take the stage at the obnoxiously named Yerba Buena Center for the Arts in San Francisco to drop yet another bomb on the U.S. mobile phone industry: The so-called iPhone 5. 

If the rumors are to be believed — and this year, they are — the only major difference between the iPhone 5 and the two previous models is a slightly bigger 4-inch screen. That’s it — a change of just 0.5 inches. Yes, there will be some hardware upgrades, battery-life improvements, and other nuts-and-bolts tweaks. But as far as a “wow” factor goes, it looks like we’re going to have to settle for a screen size that Android devices have had for years. And you know what? People are going to buy the crap out of it

As bored as I am by the new iPhone’s purported growth spurt, I’m not particularly interested in any of the other realistic features Apple might add to some “dream phone” either. NFC? Yawn. Quad-core processor? Psh. Wireless charging? Whatevs. All these features would be great, I suppose — but they have been done before, and will be done again and again and again by the time the iPhone 6 makes its way into the world around this time next year.

No — what I really want to see from Apple is something so mind-blowing, so thunderously outrageous, that it would send shockwaves around the globe and immediately earn a place in the history books.

I want to see Apple announce absolutely nothing. 

You heard me — nothing. I want to watch Tim Cook stand before the entire world and say, “Good morning, folks. You’re probably all expecting us to announce an extraordinary new iPhone packed full of life-changing innovations that will add excitement and energy to lives of millions of people around the globe. But we’re not going to do that — because we don’t have to. Our iPhone business alone is — get this — bigger than all of Microsoft. We have $117 billion in cash just sitting around. That’s enough to put an end to world hunger four times. We could find a cure for cancer with that kind of loot. But that’s just not our style. Instead, we’re going to sit back for a year and laugh at the peons as they try their very best to out-design and out-sell us. So that’s it: The iNothing, or whatever you idiots want to call it. Thanks for coming. Exits are to your rear. There’s punch and pie in the lobby.” 

That’s what I want to see from Apple on September 12 — the will to simply not give a damn. 

I say this not because I dislike Apple and wish for it to commit suicide — an entirely possible outcome of such a move. To the contrary — I am an Apple fan, through and through. I am writing this on a brand new MacBook Air, which is connected to a massive Thunderbolt Display, which sits next to my iPhone 4S. If Apple made pants, I’d probably wear them. 

tim cook apple annoucement laughing september 12 iphone 5 unveilingRather, I say this out of tough love. As I see it, Apple sits on the brink of losing its greatness. Not because Steve Jobs is gone and Tim Cook is screwing things up (though he very well may be), but because people are simply worn thin by this Apple-dominated world we live in. We’re tired of Apple winning year after year, whether it deserves to or not. We’re tired of its lawsuits and its “most-valuable” status. We’re tired of minor refinements sold as innovation. And we’re tired of Siri not knowing how to properly look up directions to the nearest liquor store.

What I’m saying is, Apple needs some time off because we need some time off from Apple. 

Giving up a year of its product life would give us time to miss Apple, to wonder what it’s up to, like a summer vacation fling. And it would make whatever devices the company releases after its hiatus that much more anticipated and appealing. 

Alas, Apple will keep releasing iPhones, and people will keep buying them. It will keep suing companies to maintain its competitive edge. And its stock price will just keep going up and up and up. It shouldn’t — but it will.

One of these days, however — maybe as soon as next week — Apple is going to release a flop just as a rival comes out with something that genuinely deserves our adoration and hard-earned dollars. Crowds at the famous Apple Stores will begin to thin out. Geniuses will stand around twiddling their thumbs. The torrent of rumors will slow to a trickle. The stock price will fall. And there will be poor Tim Cook, slouched on his white Peruvian alpaca leather couch, sipping a glass of neat brandy, slowly caressing the head of his precious Ashera cat. And he’s going to think, “Shucks, if only I’d listened to that bald bastard jackass Andrew Couts, then maybe we’d still be on top.”

The views expressed here are solely those of the author and do not reflect the beliefs of Digital Trends.


Exclusive: Take a look at what a next-generation 5G phone will look like

With 5G phones debuting at MWC in mere days, there is discussion about whether they will be clunky bricks that die after a few hours? A reference design from Qualcomm offerrs a glimpse of the future: This is what 5G phones will look like.
Home Theater

Apple will reportedly launch its new video-streaming service at March 25 event

The rumors about what Apple will announce at a March 25 event continue to swirl. A new report suggests that it will debut its much-anticipated video-streaming service, which will compete with Netflix and Amazon's Prime Video.

To be blunt, the Vuzix Blade smartglasses just don’t cut it

We tried out the Vuzix Blade to find out if it’s worth shelling out $1,000 for smartglasses. Are these augmented reality, Android-powered glasses really ready for primetime or just an expensive gimmick that no one really needs?

Need more power now? Here's how you can fast charge your iPhone

The new iPhones have almost everything an iOS addict could want -- except for a fast charger. If you need your iPhone powered back up in a hurry, here's everything you need to know to get your iPhone charged up quickly.

From Air to Pro, here are the best MacBook deals for February 2019

If you’re in the market for a new Apple laptop, let us make your work a little easier: We hunted down the best up-to-date MacBook deals available online right now from various retailers.

These are the 6 best free antivirus apps to help protect your MacBook

Malware protection is more important than ever, even if you eschew Windows in favor of Apple's desktop platform. Thankfully, protecting your machine is as easy as choosing from the best free antivirus apps for Mac suites.

The Apollo Traveller is the fastest recharging power bank we’ve ever used

Power banks are getting better all the time, but the Apollo Traveller from Elecjet hits new heights in terms of charging and recharging speeds thanks to the use of a graphene composite for cooling. Here's what happened when we tried it out.

Get ready for new AirPods, MacBooks as rumored dates for Apple WWDC 2019 emerge

Apple developers and fans alike look forward, every year, to the company's World Wide Developer Conference, WWDC, and for this year, we already have the rumored dates that might bring us Apple's latest tech announcements.

This Mac keyboard is slim, dark, and clicky, but it’s still not perfect

There aren't many great mechanical keyboards for Macs. The Keychron K1 is just the latest attempt to join that hallowed group, but does its blend of style and substance tick all the boxes?

These 30 useful apps are absolutely essential for Mac lovers

There are literally hundreds of thousands of great software programs compatible with MacOS, but which should you download? Look no further than our list of the best Mac apps you can find.

Need a date for Valentine's Day? Cozy up with the best dating apps of 2019

Everyone knows online dating can be stressful, time-consuming, and downright awful. Check out our top picks for the best dating apps, so you can streamline the process and find the right date, whatever you're looking for.

One of these monitors will look great next to your new MacBook Pro

Apple doesn't make its beloved Cinema Display monitors anymore, which makes finding the best monitor for the MacBook Pro more difficult. In this guide, we break down some of our favorites and offer something for every size and budget.

Smartwatch sales soared in 2018, with Apple leading the charge

The NPD Group, a market research organization, has reported smartwatch sales soared in 2018. Apple is leading the charge, but it's clear there's still room in the market for competitors, as Samsung and Fitbit also did well.

Apple loses battle to use Intel modems in Germany in latest clash with Qualcomm

Apple is following the Federal Trade Commission's lead and has sued Qualcomm for a massive $1 billion in the U.S., $145 million in China, and also in the U.K., claiming the company charged onerous royalties for its patented tech.