125 Spike the Beetle original pieces of art
Spike the Stag beetle made our list of best pets of Instagram for his general charm, ornate tea parties, and, of course, his penchant for marker-on-canvas original creations. Spike’s original magnum opus auctioned earlier this year and sold on eBay for nearly $1,600. Spike’s next piece will be sold in the coming months with 20 percent of the proceeds going to People’s Trust for Endangered Species (PTES).
Two of those Cheetos shaped like Harambe
Harambe stole our hearts in 2016 and while his soul has departed he will live on forever in our hearts and of course our shared cultural meme lore. Anyway, someone found a Cheeto that kind of looks like Harambe and another human being paid nearly $100,000 for said cheese-dust thing. More than a year later it’s still too soon. It will always be… too soon. RIP, big guy.
Diversify your portfolio with seven Virgin Mary Grilled Cheeses
From grilled cheese to tree trunks, and even leftover french toast, in true omnipresent fashion, the Holy Ghost and all of its squad just has a knack for showing up when we least expect it. Nonetheless, after carrying around the 10-year old grilled cheese bearing an uncanny likeness to the Virgin Mary scorched on its surface, Dia Dusyer of, you guessed it, Florida decided it was time to cash-in on this pareidolia prize. Dusyer claims over the course of the 10 years she personally oversaw this sandwich, it never once went moldy — a true testament to its divinity and also the shelf-life of Velvetta infused breads. Eventually, the slightly nibbled snack went to auction fetching $28,000 on eBay. This sandwich should match or pass the 10-year Treasury bond projections. Remember, some people once laughed at the idea of BitCoin. You don’t want to be on the wrong side of history, my friends. The time to invest is now.
Buy a ‘new to you’ liver on the black market
For some, the old adage “my body is my temple” holds true, however, for the vast majority of humans, their bodies merely exist as their temporary trashcan. After decades of Michelob and Cup Noodles, things can often go awry internally but in true capitalist spirit, if there’s demand for a product, there is a supply. The black market organ-trafficking business has never been better and apparently based at least on this infographic, you or a dying loved one should be able to score a new-ish liver for a cool $157,000. Based on those estimates, you could go ahead and buy a spare set of eyeballs while you’re at it with enough broccoli left to throw in a spleen for good measure. Go ham, folks.
133 2009 Kia Rios
Not unlike the new Lambo SUV, the Kia Rios will get you from point A to point B via four wheels. While 200,000 stacks guarantee you just a single Lambo, that same cash could allow you to theoretically go more than four months without every driving the same Kia Rios twice. Your move, Birdman.
This suspect island
Most of us can only dream about the prospect of owning our own exotic tropical island, and for just $200,000 you probably have to keep dreaming. However, you can settle on this econo option situated just off of Maine’s southeastern coast in the oft-blustery Atlantic. Based on current projections, you should have at least a couple hundred years before the oceans rise above the craggy shores.
A couple of these Killer Whale Submarines
Sure, the new Lambo SUV can fly from 0 to 60 in under four seconds, but can it go underwater? Nah. In swims a pair of Schlemmer’s completely unnecessary Killer Whale submarines. Even after purchasing a pair of these bad boys, you should have about $20,000 left to even potentially literally burn in a dumpster.
134,228 Doritos Locos Tacos
If you hate yourself, you could always just spend the rest of your fleeting days Livin’ la Vida Loca, cramming sheer tons of Doritos Locos Tacos into your skull. Fork and knife types could conversely opt for 55,710 Mexican Pizzas instead. You do you.
Fulfill your childhood dream of owning a Subway franchise
Who hasn’t dreamed of owning their very own corporate delicatessen? That said, if the Jared Fogle scandal proved anything, Subway can weather even the most central of PR storms and remain both economically viable and nutritionally void. You will probably never top this sick location in Big Merino at Goulburn, Australia, so temper your expectations in advance.
Just Venmo me directly
I’ll personally see to it that the money makes it to a good cause or something. I’ll just be posted at the “OMG Kittens” slots on hold with the Big Brothers Big Sisters of America waiting for the funds to clear. Scouts honor. Let’s change the world.
