The wonderful and often invasive World Wide Web can turn just about any mundane activity into a very creepy one. The likes of Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram have already caused our insatiable interest in other people’s lives to go haywire, and the longer we are afforded this wealth of information whenever and wherever we want, the creepier we get.
Among the many horrible types of humans you knowingly and unknowingly associated with via social networks, you probably know a handful of testosterone-driven frat boy types. What you might not know is that some of them have a smartphone app that makes it all-too-easy for them to browse through your photos and hone in on the ones with you in a skimpy swimsuit.
Enter Pikinis, a bro-friendly app (currently on beta mode) that scans your friends’ Facebook profiles for scantily-clad selfies. The premise is simple: Pikinis – which is wordplay for “pictures of bikinis,” as you likely assumed – is an iPhone app that people (the developers claim it’s meant for both boys and girls) can use to pull swimsuit-only Facebook photos. According to BroBible, Pikini’s Managing Director Ted Kramer says the idea is pretty basic: “I realized a lot of people express frustration about all the photos on Facebook and how difficult it is to find the ones you really want to see. The idea came about because [it’s] a problem many people seem to have, men and women.”
If you haven’t suffered major eye rolling by now, just check out this e-mail posted on the Reddit r/Frats subreddit last week, supposedly sent by Mark Mahoney, Marketing Manager of Pikinis, to a prospective user. Clearly, they have a target audience, and it’s not your grandma, mom, or best friend (or anyone else who usually likes your photos).
Does that give you the heebie-jeebies? Of course the obvious answer is “don’t post those pictures of your trip to Cabo.” But creepy social media isn’t going to stop at bikini pictures – that would be too easy. There are a variety of ways to get skeeved out by social apps that dive a little too deep.
This app is pretty much Pikinis’ predecessor. For a fee of $1.99 on the iTunes Store, you can download the app, log in using your Facebook account, and find some friends whose bikini pictures you’d like to check out and (ugh) save for later (it cannot be emphasized how gross that part it). The new version boasts a brand-new image recognition algorithm, a spiffy new user interface, and an overall better app rebuilt from scratch.
Just how attractive is your butt? That is the very question creeps will be asking when they aim their phone at your derrière to gauge your hotness with this app. Your “attractiveness” will be scored from 1 to 10, with 10 being the best – or in this app’s case, the most well-rounded, uhh, asset. The developers attempt to make it an even playing field by saying that it works on men’s butts, too. Hey, cheers to equal opportunity creeping!
These third-party Web apps turn Facebook into an optimized dating tool. I admit, any person who is single may enjoy some ego stroking brought about by a reciprocated crush revealed by the Crush Notifier, but what happens if the person crushed on (who gets sent an anonymous email by the app alerting them of someone’s interest) doesn’t feel the same way? Someone is left hanging … and honestly, maybe that someone deserves it for resorting to an anonymous app to proclaim their feelings.
Revealing a crush is one thing, but setting yourself up for a rebound fling? The Breakup Notifier makes it easier for rebound prowlers to prey on vulnerable date-ables – all you need to do is pick the people you’re interested in and be notified once they become unattached. Good luck dating an emotional mess!
If not for the explanation that says this “fun and factual” app was developed by a family physician and is designed to help people deal with penile insecurity or anxiety (real problems), the Predicktor would be a top-notch contender for creepiest smartphone app ever – it actually won our “Worst App of the Week” pick once. It basically calculates penis size – for someone’s benefit, we assume. To lessen the probable “WTF?!” that is bound to come up when talking about this tool (get it?), the app also offers scientific journal articles about men’s health and sexuality. Not sure if the option to compare one’s personal penis length to published length norms is really helpful for alleviating insecurity, but I guess you’re free to do whatever floats your boat.
Contrary to popular belief, online dating is not at all creepy when done wise, appropriately, and with the necessary discretion. But when an online dater is required to suggest a monetary limit he is willing to spend on a potential date and have that be used as a criterion for judging your date-ability, well now, that sort of screams “escort service,” doesn’t it? “I’ve found that if a guy is willing to pay me for a first date, he’s going to be much more serious over others who are just looking for a hookup. If it turns out that we’re not a match, at least I get paid for my time,” according to a video explaining how the online dating auction site works. That’s going to fall under creepy and borderline prostitution.
Ever wonder if people are just being polite about your inherent ugliness? Do you have ugly friends you would like to take down a notch? With the Ugly Meter, both questions can be adequately addressed – you just have to aim your phone at someone’s face (which could very well be your own), have the app scan facial features, and rate the face on an Ugly Scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the most beastlike). In case you get a bad rating, the app will supposedly give you facial feedback, but if you rate a 10, “you probably have a face that only a mother could love,” according to the app’s page. Want to shout from the roof tops proclaiming your ugliness? You can post photos and scores on your Facebook and Twitter. You can even make your face more grotesque with the app’s newest “Make Me Uglier” feature. Oh, and just in case you’re wondering, you can do all that for an affordable fee of $0.99.
Just in case your phone is not ingrained enough into your private life, we found an app you can use to track your sexual exploits and overall performance in the sack. For just $0.99, you can find out once and for all if you’re really the sexual dynamo you think you are or if your partner has been faking it all this time. When you place your phone on the bed or in your pocket (if you like to keep your clothes on during game time), the app detects your movements and noises. It also acts as a timer, in case you wanted to brag later on. All that data is then converted into a rating of sorts that’s presented through a graphic after your session has concluded. Oh, and of course – what’s an app for if it doesn’t allow you to keep track of all your sexcapades and share them on Facebook for everyone to see? If you’ve got it, flaunt it, right?
What’s creepier than an app called Creepy? This is every stalker’s dream; through the app, you can collect geolocation data from all your friends on various social networking platforms you are a part of and have them organized in map form, making it easier for you to know where your contacts were (or still are) at the time of their posts. It supports Twitter and Foursquare locations as well as locations tagged on various image hosting services. A disclaimer on the developer’s page explains that the app is not intended for malicious use and is mainly for educational purposes. That may be true, but perhaps he really should’ve thought harder about naming his software Creepy for that to be more believable…