You’d think I’d be happier. My icon looks like it was inspired by Casper the friendly ghost and my name sounds like a family phone plan. Oh, and I have like, a ridiculous amount of users. Problem is, those users are so dumb it hurts.
Do you know how many people send messages to this guy?! Or this one?! Yeah, seriously – technology is now making it easier to sext and get sexted. We’re like this close to creating an entire generation who’ve had their junk screen captured and exposed for the entire Internet to
mock see. All. Thanks. To me. It’s a huge burden to bear. I’m like the Sisyphus of the app world. Just look it up.
I mean, I could’ve been used for good. Data plans aren’t what they used to be (so I hear), and alternative messaging services like me are here to save you a dime! And hell, we’re sort of fun! Look, I mean, you can draw a mustache on your face and send it to your friend! Who doesn’t want to draw a mustache on their face and send it to their friends?! I’ll tell you who: Terrorists. It’s good old fashioned fun is what it is, I’ll tell you what.
Problem is, it turns out that users (ugh, users?! Seriously? Is any jerk with an iPhone and a spot on his dad’s family plan get to be considered a “user”?) are horrible, disgusting people. Do you know how many penises I’ve seen – and not just of the drawn-on variety? It’s like my Vietnam. I’m going to start having flashbacks if I go on any longer. The
horror penises … the horror penises!
I know you’re all worried about the dangers of Facebook predators and somebody stealing your kid’s PlayStation Live account, but please, I’m begging you – just look at what you’ve done. You’ve massively popularized an app that tells your kids they can do whatever they want because a smartphone – a tool which has proven to do plenty of suspect things with your data – promises not to save that picture.
Also, I’ve given an unnecessary spotlight on some really terrible trends, like the creepshot, and the selfie. Did we need more of these? No, no we did not. We are making the Internet worse, everyone. I cannot sleep at night knowing that there is a Twitter handle out there called Snapchat Problems (handle: @SnapchatProbbz. Yes. Really). That is not acceptable.
So here’s the deal: Let’s all just cool it with the sexts, and maybe everybody with a child should shoot a sideways glance at what in God’s good name they are using me for. I’ve been through enough. We’ve all been through enough. We’re better than this, guys. I know it.
- How superstar producer Swizz Beatz uses Instagram to push art, battle Timbaland
- I spend 8 hours a day on Amazon — my personal wish list may give you some ideas
- Bothering the bots: Funny questions and commands to pose to Google Assistant
- No mo’ FOMO — here’s how to delete your Snapchat account
- The best songs about friendship