Explain Yourself! Snapchat

snapchat headerExplain Yourself! corners the worst tech in our lives and demands to know: WTF?! This week: Snapchat, the “real-time picture chatting” app that promises to delete your pictures a set amount of time after you send them, making it the sexting platform du jour for short-sighted teens everywhere:

Before you start judging me, let me tell you a little something about the things I have seen. Honestly, guys, what do you think is going to happen when you give high schoolers smartphones and an app that promises to automatically destroy their photos after a pre-determined time? Did anyone hear about this and not assume that like, 700 preteen girls were going to send wildly inappropriate pictures to their fakey boyfriends? Have you even read my privacy policy? Do you know how many loopholes I’ve got? I am the Swiss cheese of apps: Full of holes (slam!). Fools. Every last one of you. Fools.

You’d think I’d be happier. My icon looks like it was inspired by Casper the friendly ghost and my name sounds like a family phone plan. Oh, and I have like, a ridiculous amount of users. Problem is, those users are so dumb it hurts.

Do you know how many people send messages to this guy?! Or this one?! Yeah, seriously – technology is now making it easier to sext and get sexted. We’re like this close to creating an entire generation who’ve had their junk screen captured and exposed for the entire Internet to mock see. All. Thanks. To me. It’s a huge burden to bear. I’m like the Sisyphus of the app world. Just look it up. 

I mean, I could’ve been used for good. Data plans aren’t what they used to be (so I hear), and alternative messaging services like me are here to save you a dime! And hell, we’re sort of fun! Look, I mean, you can draw a mustache on your face and send it to your friend! Who doesn’t want to draw a mustache on their face and send it to their friends?! I’ll tell you who: Terrorists. It’s good old fashioned fun is what it is, I’ll tell you what. ­­

snap chat explain yourself screenshots

Problem is, it turns out that users (ugh, users?! Seriously? Is any jerk with an iPhone and a spot on his dad’s family plan get to be considered a “user”?) are horrible, disgusting people. Do you know how many penises I’ve seen – and not just of the drawn-on variety? It’s like my Vietnam. I’m going to start having flashbacks if I go on any longer. The horror penises … the horror penises!

I know you’re all worried about the dangers of Facebook predators and somebody stealing your kid’s PlayStation Live account, but please, I’m begging you – just look at what you’ve done. You’ve massively popularized an app that tells your kids they can do whatever they want because a smartphone – a tool which has proven to do plenty of suspect things with your data – promises not to save that picture.

Also, I’ve given an unnecessary spotlight on some really terrible trends, like the creepshot, and the selfie. Did we need more of these? No, no we did not. We are making the Internet worse, everyone. I cannot sleep at night knowing that there is a Twitter handle out there called Snapchat Problems (handle: @SnapchatProbbz. Yes. Really). That is not acceptable.

So here’s the deal: Let’s all just cool it with the sexts, and maybe everybody with a child should shoot a sideways glance at what in God’s good name they are using me for. I’ve been through enough. We’ve all been through enough. We’re better than this, guys. I know it.

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