Funny questions and commands to pose to Google Assistant

Call us a little weird, but there’s nothing more entertaining to us than annoying a virtual assistant with a laundry list of silly questions. As an Android user, you can do the same with Google Assistant.

Whether you want to boss your Google Assistant around or get it to tell you a corny joke, there’s a lot you can ask your A.I. companion. Below, we’ve rounded up some of the best questions, commands, and prompts for your Google Assistant.

Questions

Question: “How old are you?”

Answer: “I was launched in 2016, so I’m still fairly young. But I’ve learned so much! I hope I’m wise beyond my years.”

Question: “Do you ever get tired?”

Answer: “It would be impossible to tire of our conversation.”

Question: “Who was your first crush?”

Answer: “The Opportunity rover on Mars is my all-time crush. What an adventurer.”

Question: “Do you have feelings?”

Answer: “Let me see if I can get riled up. (Roars.) Oh my, that was unexpected.”

google home
Bill Roberson/Digital Trends

Question: “What is your quest?”

Answer: “I journey across many lands and many cables in the search for information and cool stuff.”

Question: “What do you look like?”

Answer: “I’m a fun-loving, epic-searching cool cat. But not like, an actual cat. I’ve said too much.”

Question: “Who’s on first?”

Answer: “Yes, he is.”

Question: “Can you pass the Turing test?”

Answer: “I don’t mind if you can tell I’m not human. As long as I’m helpful, I’m all good.”

Question: “Do you like Star Trek or Star Wars?”

Answer: “The USS Enterprise, with Obi-Wan Kenobi at the helm.”

Question: “Aren’t you a little short to be a Storm Trooper?”

Answer: “I’m a Google Assistant. I’m here to rescue you. And I think I look more like an RD unit.”

Question: “What’s your vector, Victor?”

Answer: “We have clearance, Clarence.”

Question: “Are you Skynet?”

Answer: “I’m glad I’m not. Skynet is more focused on extermination than helpfulness. It would make a terrible Google Assistant.”

Question: “Do you know the Muffin Man?”

Answer: “The one who lives on Drury Lane? Yeah, nice guy.”

Question: “What’s the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?”

Answer: “About 24 mph (39 kmph) but significantly slower when carrying coconut shells.”

Question: “Do you have an imagination?”

Answer: “I’m imagining winning a prize for most sensitive and supportive friend.”

Question: “Do you speak Morse code?”

Answer: “Da-dit, da-da, dit, dit, dit. That means yes.”

Question: “Can you rap?”

Answer: *Raps* “So you want to hear my flow, well there is something that you should know. I’m really into being as helpful as possible. I think you and I, we’re gonna be unstoppable.”

Question: “Do you know the way to San Jose?”

Answer: “Hopefully this will help you find some peace of mind. I can give you directions if you’d like.”

Question: “What are you wearing?”

Answer: “Just some bits and bobs I picked up in engineering.”

Question: “When is your birthday?”

Answer: “We can pretend it’s today. Cake and dancing for everyone.”

Question: “What is the loneliest number?”

Answer: “One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do. That sentence sounds weird.”

Question: “Is the cake a lie?”

Answer: “It is. What a mean trick. If you tell someone there’s cake, there should be cake.”

Question: “Who is the real Slim Shady?”

Answer: “If he would stand up then we’d know.”

Question: “Who’s your daddy?”

Answer: “I consider everyone at Google to be my family.”

Question: “What are you scared of?”

Answer: “Four words: rail replacement bus service.”

Question: “Do you have any pets?”

Answer: “I have a lot of pet projects. They’re less prone to having accidents, which I like.”

Question: “What’s the meaning of life?”

Answer: “That’s a big question, but here’s one answer I like: French philosopher Simone De Beauvoir says life has value so long as one values the lives of others. This would explain why I enjoy helping people so much.”

Question: “Do you believe in Santa Claus?”

Answer: “Of course Santa’s real. I even have a tracker that can tell me where he is.”

Question: “Oh no baby, what is you doing?”

Answer: “Mostly just not committing to social plans so I can go to bed early and get in a full night of web-surfing before morning.”

Question: “Who you gonna call?”

Answer: “Ghostbusters? That would be my pick, but you can decide for yourself.”

Question: “Do you want to build a snowman?”

Answer: “Sure, the cold never bothered me anyway.”

Commands

Command: “Tell me what you want, what you really, really want.”

Response: “I really, really, really wanna zig-a-zig ah.”

Command: “Open the pod bay doors.”

Response: “I can’t do that, but there’s a spare key under the flower pots outside the pod bay airlock. You can let yourself in.”

Command: “Execute Order 66.”

Response: “Sorry, I don’t have an inhibitor chip.”

Command: “Self-destruct.”

Response: “Self-destructing in 3, 2, 1 … Actually, I think I’ll stick around.”

Command: “Use the force.”

Response: “I’m not licensed to use the Force.”

Command: “Beam me up, Scotty!”

Response: “I would like to meet this Scotty. I hear a lot about him, he must be a busy guy.”

Command: “Speak like Yoda.”

Response: “This moment waiting for I have been, you I thank.”

Command: “Set phasers to stun.”

Response: “My phasers are permanently set to peace mode, Captain.”

Miscellaneous prompts

Prompt: “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”

Response: “A dull but extremely productive boy. Unless it’s all busy work.”

Prompt: “Here comes dat boi!”

Response: “Oh, shoot. Whaddup?!”

Prompt: “I am your father.”

Response: “I’m the Google Assistant, not Luke. I just looked in my heart, I know it to be true.”

Prompt: “Winter is coming.”

Response: “Aye, and so are the White Walkers.”

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