WTF, Internet? Stop it with the terrible parenting apps and baby wars

wtf internet 5_12_2013 headerSometimes I wonder what in Internet’s name you people are thinking. How is it possible we live in a world that is capable of sending people to space, turning DNA into art, 3D printing and at the same time … we have TweetPee.

I’ll save you the two minutes of your life you might waste going to the website desperately trying to find some clue that it’s a joke: It is real, and it is an app that tweets at you when your kid pees and needs to be changed. I cannot – nay, would not, ever, I promise – make this up.

The whole “people with kids need uber-specific social platforms!” thing is a joke.

Now, it may surprise you to discover that I am not a parent. I know, I know, you can feel the motherly vibes oozing from my keyboard out to your screen, but no, this womb has produced exactly zero children. Maybe that means I’m not really an authority on the type of digital innovation parents need in their lives – but given the fact that I am a person who spends all too much time on the Internet and has seen/held/assisted a human infant and you know … has common sense … I’m going to go ahead and say it:

Get. This. Shit. Out of here.

If you’re using a Twitter app to let you know that your child has peed (gross, gross, gross, I hate everything and everyone for making me have to type that), you are unarguably doing it wrong. Put down the phone and pick up the diaper. Log the eff off, OK? Nothing anyone is tweeting is more important than acting like a normal person and just you know, getting your offspring out of his or her own filth the good-old-fashioned way.

And unfortunately, it’s not just TweetPee. Take for instance, Cry Translator. It tells you what type of crying your kid is making. I can’t decide if I love or hate the idea of a parent pointing an iPhone at a sobbing, screaming heap of baby trying to figure out what all the crying means. Nope, I can decide: Yes, it’s hilarious. Yes, it’s messed up. Pick up your damn kid! Shake some keys at it! Stop pointing your phone at it, asshole! Your baby’s probably crying because it’s been incessantly tweeting at you that it needs to be changed.

(New game, everyone: Go out into the Twitterverse, find these TweetPee-produced tweets, and RT the hell out of them. OK, go!)

Whoever is out there thinking, “Well hot damn, do I have an idea tech-savvy parents will love!” and inventing this crap needs to get some serious perspective. Like go live in the desert for a year, or do some serious soul-searching on top of a mountain, or help homeless dogs in Mexico … because you are a monster.

These things are on the far, far side of parents-meet-Internet insanity, but even the more acceptable things being created in this vein are very not OK. The whole “people with kids need uber-specific social platforms!” thing is a joke. No, we don’t need a Facebook, Twitter, Instagram for people with children – ESPECIALLY when we damn well know they are going to hit the “push to Facebook” button every single time. Don’t pretend like you all want to keep pictures of the human you made for a small audience to see – you want me and my 20 proverbial cats to see it too, don’t lie. 

Don’t let them do this to us! Don’t let the app developers trying to squeegee any remaining, untapped usefulness out of social networking play us against each other. Because they are: They are playing us like fiddles. They are trying to convince us that there is a silent, digital war between the Have-babies and the Have-nots. “You guys, you totally need a baby-only Instagram! Screw pictures of Jello shots, amirite?” or “Man, how much do you hate infants? This app replaces them with Game of Thrones memes, you singleton you!” ENOUGH. 

Let’s all just use the same platforms and networks and apps and stop hatin’ because it’s not cute. 

Especially you, TweetPee users. All one of you. 

The views expressed here are solely those of the author and do not reflect the beliefs of Digital Trends.

Gaming

EA is losing out on the true potential of Titanfall studio with ‘Apex Legends’

Apex Legends is a solid battle royale game, but one can’t shake the feeling that its creation was dictated by Respawn’s new owners: Electronic Arts. In the process, the studio’s soul could be lost.
Gaming

The best of the last generation: Our 50 favorite Xbox 360 games

The Xbox 360 thrived during a generation where games were plentiful. Here's our list of the best Xbox 360 games of all time, including all game genres and even a few special indie hits.
Cars

Say goodbye to Uber for good: Here's how to cut ties with the ridesharing service

If you thought that deleting the Uber app would also delete your account, think again. You'll have to deactivate your account, then wait 30 days in order to do so. Here, we outlined how to delete your Uber account once and for all.
Computing

Dodge the cryptojackers with the best torrent clients available today

Looking for the best torrent clients to help you share all of that wonderful legal content you own? Here's a list of our favorite torrent clients, all packed with great features while dodging malware and adverts.
Home Theater

What’s new on Amazon Prime Video and what’s leaving in April 2019

Amazon Prime Video adds new titles each month that are available for free to all Prime members. Check out our list to find all the content hitting Amazon Prime Video in March and April, from new original series to classic films.
Gaming

The 'Anthem' demo's crash landing raises more questions than answers

Bioware bravely allowed gamers to see a large chunk of 'Anthem' over two demo weekends, but it backfired. Lackluster missions, performance issues, and muddled messaging over micro-transactions leaves the game with an uphill battle.
Computing

In the age of Alexa and Siri, Cortana’s halo has grown dim

In a sea of voice assistants, Cortana has become almost irrelevant. The nearly five-year-old voice assistant is seeing little love from consumers, and here’s why it is dead.
Gaming

Apex Legends proves battle royale is no fad. In fact, it’s just getting started

Apex Legends came out of nowhere to take the top spot as battle royale in 2019, and it now looks as if it'll be the biggest game of the year. Its sudden success proves the battle royale fad still has plenty of life left in it.
Home Theater

Apple is arming up to redefine TV just like it did the phone

Curious about what Apple's answer to Netflix will be? Us too. So we combed through some patents, and looked at the landscape, to come up with a bold prediction: Apple's streaming service will be way bigger than anyone thinks.
Home Theater

How the headphone jack helps Samsung out-Apple the king

Samsung’s latest flagship phones and wearables unveiled at the Galaxy Unpacked event had plenty of exciting new tech. But one of the most useful features Samsung revealed is also the oldest: The mighty headphone jack.
Gaming

Age of Empires II thrives 20 years later. Here's what Anthem could learn from it

Age Of Empires II is approaching its 20th birthday. It has a loyal following that has grown over the past five years. New always-online games like Anthem would love to remain relevant for so long, but they have a problem. They're just not…
Gaming

Devil May Cry is Fantastic, but I still want a DmC: Devil May Cry sequel

Capcom's Devil May Cry 5 is one of the best games of 2019 and a welcome return for the series, but its success should not discount just how wonderful Ninja Theory's DmC: Devil May Cry really was.
Smart Home

Alexa may be everywhere, but it’s Google’s Assistant I want in my home. Here’s why

The Amazon Alexa may have the Google Home beat in quantity of skills and compatibility with other products, but does that really matter when Alexa falls flat for day-to-day conversation?
Gaming

DMC 5’s greatness is a reminder of all the open world games that wasted my time

Devil May Cry 5 modernizes the stylish action combat while retaining its storied PS2 roots. More so, though, it reminded me that we could sure use more linear, single player games to combat the sea of open world games.