1. Web

Watch this broken heart saw everything he and his now ex-wife owned in half

Talk about a nasty split — in what must be the most literal interpretation of a breakup in the history of relationships, a German man has recorded himself cutting all worldly possessions once owned by himself and his now ex-wife in half. If nothing else, this is certainly one way to drive home the notion of “if I can’t have this, nobody can.” And while there may be healthier and less expensive ways to deal with a separation, sawing everything in two definitely is one way to release some aggression.

The footage of the former husband — who posted the YouTube video under the name Der Juli — has now garnered over 5.5 million views, and has clearly struck a chord with anyone who has ever undergone a bad breakup who now wants to live vicariously through this very unique form of vengeance. But not only did Der Juli saw all these objects in half, he also decided to sell his half on eBay, even taking the trouble to give a backstory on each and every item up for auction.

Some of these items include: half an iPhone 5, half a teddy bear, half an Opel sedan, and half a Macbook Pro. The explanations for these items are as follows:

For 78 euros ($88.48), half an iPhone 5: “I generously left her half of everything, even my beloved mobile phone. That way she can no longer secretly send WhatsApp hearts to a younger work colleague. She doesn’t need it anyway as she lives with one.”

For 51 euros ($57.85), half a teddy bear: “Although she doesn’t need a stuffed animal to snuggle, there are affectionate fellow workers for that.”

For 62 euros ($70.33), half an Opel sedan: “My ex-wife wanted 50 percent of all our things, including our beloved little city car. Although it’s not clear to me why she’d still want a dinky old Opel. Her new guy is impressively motorized, I hear.”

For 81 euros ($91.88), half a Macbook Pro: “The radical ‘conversion’ was more or less an idea of my ex-wife. She wanted to replace her husband, but keep the money and beautiful things.”

This pricing schema, naturally, raises many questions, like why a half a teddy bear is only marginally less expensive than half a car, which is less expensive than half an iPhone. Of course, the larger question at hand is how Der Juli expects to sell anything that is, quite literally, unusable in only half-baked form, but then again, the Internet is a strange place filled with strange people willing to buy strange things.

So if you’re in the market for half of just about anything, head on over to eBay, and pick up the broken pieces of this very unfortunate marriage.