Sugar-free Haribo Gummy Bears
If you haven’t already read the Amazon reviews for these gummy bears, drop what you’re doing and go check them out immediately. Did you do it? Well if not, here’s the synopsis: These bears are made with a type of artificial sugar that’s been known to give certain people explosive diarrhea. We’re not saying it’s guaranteed to make your co-workers crap their pants at the party, but there’s a chance it’ll happen. Also, don’t forget to wear brown pants to the party, just in case you get stuck with your own gift.
Nicolas Cage Pillowcase
“The best characters are the ones that somehow manage to be both attractive and repulsive at the same time. If you do that, you’re at the center of the universe — if you can find characters who are more ambiguous and can raise more questions than answers.” – Nicolas Cage.
Big Mouth Billy Bass
This one is a slow burn. At first people will laugh and get all nostalgic about the singing bass that captured America’s heart in the winter of ’99. Then, whoever ends up with the bass will excitedly press the button, cycle through Billy’s songs a couple times, and then inevitably place him on his/her desk. Then, for the next few weeks, everyone in the office will have to hear “Take Me To The River” and “Dont Worry Be Happy” at least 12 times per day — which will most likely cause somebody to snap and go full-on “Office Space printer scene” on Billy, thereby prompting a hilarious conflict resolution meeting with HR.
Freak Masks
These things are brilliant. They’re essentially customizable masks made from an elastic fabric and designed to slip over your head. You can put anybody’s face on them, and then wear that face over your own face. It’s freakishly hilarious, and guaranteed to make all your co-workers pee their pants in laughter — especially if you can manage to make one of your boss’s face. DM me if you have a high-resolution, forward-facing headshot of Jeremy Kaplan.
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Live animals
The funny thing about giving a live animal is that you’re basically gifting the unwanted burden of having to care for a pet. Don’t punk out and get a hamster or a goldfish, either — that’s too easy. If you want to make this memorable, we suggest giving something along the lines of a cockfighting rooster, a parrot that squawks profanities, or a wild Atlantic salmon (in a tank, of course).
Carolina Reaper beef jerky
For those of you who aren’t hip with the latest trends in ridiculously spicy foods, the Carolina Reaper is currently the world’s hottest pepper. On average, these nasty little bastards register a whopping 1.64 million on the Scoville heat scale — meaning they’re about 656 times hotter than the average jalapeño. This jerky is infused with them, and I guarantee that as soon as it gets unwrapped, your office’s resident macho man will stand up and offer to be the guinea pig. Thing is, what Bronson McBruiserfist doesn’t realize is that unlike other spicy food items, you can’t really wolf down jerky and swallow it without chewing. You have to let it sit in your mouth for a while to soften up, so this stuff is pretty much guaranteed to wreck whoever eats it.
Pro tip: For extra fun, superglue the lid onto a half gallon of milk and include it in your gift package.
Questionably legal fireworks
The great thing about living in America is that everything is for sale all the time — including fireworks. Even if your state’s laws prohibit online ordering and out-of-state imports, you can usually get your hands on some Roman candles over state lines — and with the right amount of rum-spiked eggnog, your coworkers will hopefully start to think it’s a good idea to light a few of them off in the parking lot.
The Holiday Fun Pack
Ingredients: One 40-ounce bottle of Olde English, one pack of Marlboro cigarettes, some Magnum condoms, a fistful of bottle rockets, one pack of powdered donuts, a miniature American flag, and a roll of duct tape.
Instructions: Duct tape all ingredients together as haphazardly as you possibly can, and wrap it in a wet paper sack. Despite the crappy presentation, this gift is always a crowd-pleaser. People will fight over it, and it’ll help you identify the fun people in your office.
Shake Weight
Despite the fact that it’s a few years old, the Shake Weight is still one of the best gag gifts money can buy. Why? Because this ridiculous “exercise device” makes anybody using it look like they’re training for the 2019 Handjob Olympics. You’ll want to have your phone ready to record the “test run” that will inevitably take place after Doug from Accounting has too much peppermint schnapps.
VistaPrint selfie calendar
You know VistaPrint? The company that sells cheap, customizable business cards? As it turns out, they also sell super cheap, totally customizable calendars as well. That means you can make one with nothing but all those drunk selfies you took with your cat last weekend, and then force somebody to keep it on their desk for a year.
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Shock Potato
Shock Potato is basically a modern reimagining of the classic children’s game Hot Potato. The only difference is that, instead of using an overheated root vegetable, you toss a small plastic ball that will randomly deliver a powerful electric shock to one unlucky person. Just be sure that good ol’ Pacemaker Jim doesn’t join the fun. That could end badly.
Cards Against Humanity
I can pretty much guarantee that nothing will spice up your stuffy holiday party quite like hearing your boss utter the phrase “testicular torsion,” then ask the HR manager what it means. Nothing brings people together like a card game that encourages filthy and offensive humor.
T-shirt with your face on it
Thanks to miracles of modern technology, you can have your big ugly mug screen-printed onto a T-shirt and delivered to your door in less than a week. The poor SOB who gets stuck with it will either wear it like a champ, or give it to the nearest thrift store — after which it will probably be purchased by a hipster and worn ironically for years to come. Either way, you win.
Never-ending birthday card
It doesn’t matter that it’s not somebody’s birthday — this card is a sure-fire way to start a scene at your holiday party. Once opened, the card will play an annoying “Happy Birthday” song at top volume until you either destroy the speaker or the battery runs out — whichever comes first. It’ll run for about three hours before the battery dies, and it’s designed to withstand water damage, so your giftee will have no choice but to smash it or light it on fire.
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