In the latest Clueless Gamer segment, Conan tries his hand at CD Projekt Red’s upcoming roleplaying game. Although his eyes start to glaze over at the premise of monsters invading the world and the mutant hunters created to stop them, sex is already on his mind (“You didn’t just say he’s the emperor of Nilfgaard, did you? I’m the emperor of MILFgaard, if you know what I mean.”)
The original Witcher featured a sort of sex minigame, where Geralt would earn a collectible card for every woman he managed to bed. This rightly earned some criticism for being exploitative and misogynist, and so for the sequel, the cards were removed — but the sex was left in.
Witcher 3 looks to have more of everything that the series has offered, including let’s say the exploration of erotic themes. The very first scene teased Conan with two glistening legs coming out of a bathtub, but he is taken aback when he finds out they belong to Geralt. “They tricked me into being turned on! I got turned on when those legs came out of the tub, and it’s a dude — this game just outed me!” His tune quickly changes when the camera pans up to show a nude, reclining Yennefer. From that point, he is on a mission to bed as many willing pixelated pixies as he can, no matter how many monsters stand in his way (like the dreaded “Cock-blockula”)
“I think at this point what’s fueling me is it’s clear you can have sex with a woman in this game. I want to do whatever it takes to make that happen–that would be a new frontier for me,” Conan admits. Eventually he succeeds, showing off a precious few more seconds of that bonkers unicorn sex scene that piqued our interest in a recent gameplay trailer.
The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt arrives to titillate you on May 19 for PlayStation 4, Xbox One, and Windows.