I sat through @SummerBreak and all I got was this lousy brain bleed

Apparently we’ve run out of reality TV ideas, and the proof is @Summer Break, a new YouTube series about a really horrible group of L.A. teenagers (which is saying something). They offer commentary on social media and its intersection with real life and how it impacts their relationships… but you know, in that sort of mind-numbing way that makes you want to smash a computer, pull a Thoreau and Walden your ass away from this Internet nonsense forever.

I caught the show, so you don’t have to. Enter my stream of consciousness while watching @Summer Break.

Episode 1

The opener is basically an American Eagle commercial.

summerbreak opener We begin with a classic debate over the merits of liking old Instagram pictures in order to show you have a crush on someone. Flirtatious or stalkerish? Discuss.

summerbreak selfie Ah, this guy is taking a selfie by himself because he’s “such a winner.” I think he’s near an airport because there are a lot of planes flying by in the background.

“That’s my Snapchat face.” What? What’s a Snapchat face? I feel so old.

Wow this guy is still here trying to take selfies with planes in the background. The majority of the episode is about this pursuit.

summerbreak plane selfie Oh he got it! He got the plane pic! This has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions.

summerbreak zaq NO WAY. NO WAY. There’s a new guy, and his name is Zaq. WITH A “Q.” (!!!!)

Now these two very attractive Caucasian teens are talking about a text message exchange they had. It’s profound.

Zaq is accusing Britney Spears of telling Conner to text him. I don’t know who Conner is. I sense a love triangle. I feel uncomfortable for them. I feel uncomfortable for me.

Oh… and that’s… the end of this four-minute episode. Onward.

Episode 2

Recap: Clara (Britney Spears) is overwhelmed by Zaq with a “Q,” and their texting conversations have been alluding to this. He bought her a present. It’s a plant. He’s explaining the plant isn’t edible. This is the worst gift ever.

New girl! She’s texting. While in the pool. Bad move, blondie number two. Ah, now we’re being introduced to Connor. “Nothing comes together like a burger,” says Connor. So far, Connor is my favorite. He’s talking to some girl about how awful girls are. It’s incredibly boring. The one girl hasn’t stopped texting, it’s amazing.

Episode 3

Same day – the group are now eating the burgers Connor was previously talking about and making. Blondie has stopped texting in shock because someone said you can’t swim right after eating. She is aghast. “Are you KIDDING me?!” she says, then explains that she’s never thrown up in a pool.

Connor’s massaging Clara. It’s awkward. Everyone’s awkward.

Episode 4

Another pool party. Zaq is here. So is Conner. SO IS CLARA. Oh man, the stakes are high and the situation is tense, people. Clara and Zaq like each other so much that they don’t want the other to catch on fire. True love, guys, this is it.

Where are the parents?! This never happened to me in high school: Someone’s parents always busted the fun up. Connor is giving a toast, proving he’s basically the Winston Churchill of our times:

“And obviously, summer break, you know? Time to shine.”

Zaq called someone and is talking about wanting to hear their voice. Who is it!? INTRIGUE.

Episode 5

OK honestly, I have no idea what’s happening in the beginning of this episode except that three young hip blondes are talking about how girls in their school district are not the same.

“I feel like Samo is like more swag like we care what we look like all the time, like that’s Samo, Pali is more just like laid back, beachy, like all the guys like don’t care at all.”

(I don’t know what Samo or Pali are.)

Cut to Alex who’s taking Instagrams of her breakfast. Over at a different but equally important breakfast meeting, everyone’s texting and talking simultaneously. Oh and there’s talk about Connor cheating on… a different blonde girl. But they won’t say who it is out loud – they will only reveal the culprit via text. Yeah, it’s mostly just a back and forth via text happening now. I am watching a reality show in which people are sitting at a table texting each other.

I cannot read the texts. I feel like the outsider whose parents called these kids’ moms and begged them to let me come to breakfast with them and they’re mad about it and ignoring me.

Episode 6

No. I can’t. I’m sorry, I’m not strong enough.

I get what you were going for, producers: You wanted the OC meets Tumblr. You wanted Laguna Beach meets Snapchat. Throw in a little Instagram, and boom! Organic anecdotal commentary on how today’s youths use social media. Except there’s nothing notable about their Facebooking and tweeting or anything else except that they… do it. And are young.

The only real takeaways are as follows:

Either there are some weird camera takes going on or teens have a lot of awkward pauses.
I never want to have children if there’s a chance they could turn into these people.
Reality television has run the gamut and @SummerBreak may have officially killed it.
Is Connor cheating on blonde girl #5 with Clara?!
Teenagers have phones and use apps and have pool parties and text a lot.

Got to go – my brain melted out of my ears and is now in a puddle on the floor. Must clean. I require a “I sat through @SummerBreak and all I got was this lousy aneurysm!” t-shirt.

WTF, Internet? You can’t make reality TV out of spoiled teens using Instagram