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The NFL unveils new apps for mobile domination, but why stop there?

For those that haven’t seen the greatest commercial in the history of sports,  DirecTV has recently announced a new mobile app that allows Sunday Ticket subscribers to watch every Sunday game on their phone or tablet. Okay, maybe it’s not the greatest commercial, and sure the Mannings’ rapping ability makes MC Scat Cat seem like Tupac Shakur, but you have to give them credit for their willingness to make an embarrassment of themselves. No NFL player has made such a public, humiliating spectacle since the master himself unveiled his crowning achievement.

The Tim Tebow app just inserts Tebow into every NFL game, because that’s what the good lord would want.

For those of us maniacs who can never get enough football, who watch training camp highlights online and DVR meaningless preseason games as we prepare to draft a handful of fantasy teams, the news of more access on mobile devices is like giving a fat kid the keys to the Cake Boss kitchen. Yes, it’s initially met with excitement, but it will certainly end in overindulgence and shame.

But what if you don’t have DirecTV? Not to worry. Unless you also don’t get your cell service through Verizon, in which case you might need to worry. Because Verizon customers can download their new NFL Mobile app, which combines two previous apps – one for highlights and scores and one to watch live games – into a single source. It costs $5 a month and, even then, the app only broadcasts the NBC Sunday night game, ESPN’s Monday night game, and the NFL Network’s Thursday game.

That means that the vast majority of games played on Sunday and shown on either CBS or Fox are off limits. That’s a lot of fine print, but I guess we should expect nothing less from a league whose rulebook gets more and more complicated every year

We should also expect nothing less from a league that has completely dominated television ratings, leaving Walter White and Don Draper to feed on its scraps. It’s only natural it would turn its focus to digital domination, which is probably why the new NFL CEO is Brian Rolapp, who used to oversee digital for NFL Media.

Digital domination sounds good to me – I practically sprained a thumb signing up for DirecTV’s new app. Come to think of it, I have a few more app ideas for the NFL that could make its digital experience more dominating than a Ravens defense:

  • How about a Brett Favre-sponsored Snapchat application that allows you to send photos of your “offense” without fear that the recipient will share it with the world? I’m thinking of calling it The Gunslinger.
  • Speaking of star-endorsed versions of existing apps, every coach in the league would download Bill Belichick’s version of Shazam, Belishazam! It does away for the need to take secret videos of the other team’s sideline by letting you record any team’s plays with your phone and instantly identifying the play name and complete design.
  • Matt Leinart was born to the play the field – not the grassy thing in the middle of the stadium, this field. Now that the guy has no job, what’s to keep him from becoming the public face of Tinder, already? Come on, NFL! It’s a can’t-miss brand extension!
  • One of the great things about football games is how the elements can come into play, so the league could use it’s own weather app. And who better to tap for instant meteorological information than the king of “making it rain,” Adam “Pacman” Jones?
  • The Bye Bayou app, inspired by the New Orleans Saints, would allow fans to place a bounty on the head of any player before – and even during! – a game. Talk about a bringing a new level of intensity to the spectator experience…
  • Finally, let’s get a Tim Tebow app (all proceeds going to charity, of course), which just inserts Tebow into every game because … well, that’s what the good lord would want.

But wait … shouldn’t the league have something specific for Jets fans? Well, good news for our friends in green! It’s not a mobile app, but scientists (Jets fans, a scientist is someone who studies science for a living) have made a breakthrough in computer-brain interfaces, which allows them to create new memories in mice. This paves the way for computer-aided treatment of things like post-traumatic stress disorder, and who would know better about PTSD than a Jets fan?

Jets fans, don’t you get it? Silly me … of course you don’t. This means one day soon you’ll be able to have your memory erased! The years of disappointment will be zapped from your brain banks with a single retina scan appthingamajig like in Men In Black. The 1983 draft, the Rich Kotite era, the 1994 Spike game – it’ll all be wiped clean, picked off and taken back … just like a pass from you-know-who.